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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this an unhealthy relationship or am I being Unreasonable?

21 replies

chubbybaker · 04/06/2024 00:34

I’m 6 months into a new relationship, (I’m female, 50), he’s 51. He told me he was really close with his daughter when we first met and got chatting and I thought that was a lovely trait and sweet but it isn’t what I expected.

He seems totally obsessed with his 21 year old daughter. Every sentence has her name in it. Everything we do he mentions how she’d like it. Every meal we eat he mentions how she’d cook it/what drinks she’d like etc.

They are always phoning each other and texting and on FaceTime. Even when we are out for a meal, he will stop eating to answer her FaceTime calls.

The calls were happening even when we were away for a 3 night break away. He said his ex wife (not his daughter’s Mum) was jealous of their relationship. I now see that it wasn’t jealousy, it’s the fact he is obsessed with his daughter.

When out, he points out her schools, where she was born, the dates he took her to the zoo or Disney etc etc. She is 21 years old now!!

I saw him last weekend as it’s too hard to meet during the week due to work and distance. Both days, she turned up at his house with the excuse she was picking stuff up. She never picked anything up, just sat for an hour and made it feel awkward.

He has never, ever said no to her or ever raised his voice at her in her life. He allows her to speak down to him and be bossy towards him. He is too passive to say anything.

She is now on holiday with him for a week (as she said his ex wife wouldn’t have allowed it due to jealousy of them) and there has so far (4 days in) been no calls or voicenotes to me. Just boring WhatsApp’s telling me about their lunch/drinks.
Tonight I got one saying although he’s away and having a really good time he misses me and can’t wait to be away with me in September.

Firstly, at this point I doubt I will still be with him in September. But if I am, I’m certain he will be having daily calls/facetimes to his daughter.

He also has a son (who’s 26 from a different woman) who he texts each week but he’s not close or obsessed like he is with his daughter.

Anything the daughter asks he will do. It’s not jealousy I’m feeling, I’m thinking it’s totally inappropriate how he behaves and is forgetting he’s in a new relationship. He likes to be seen as the fun Dad and will do anything to make her happy.

But he’s not realising this will be at a cost of losing his new relationship. He said he’s in love with me and can’t wait for our future together blah blah blah… but I can’t continue hearing his daughter’s name in every sentence and have her running rings around him, knowing if she clicks her fingers, he’ll go running to her for whatever she wants.

SO…. Do I end it? Or try to communicate with him about it (problem is, he repeats everything to her so she’ll know what I’ve said)

My gut instinct is saying run away!!

Can anybody advise?
thank you in advance

OP posts:

kayla22 · 04/06/2024 00:37

I think the strangest thing here seems to be you expecting this man to put you before his daughter ?

Aquamarine1029 · 04/06/2024 00:38

My gut instinct is saying run away!!

Common sense should tell you to end it. You wrote a whole lot for someone who already knows what they need to do.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/06/2024 00:40

kayla22 · 04/06/2024 00:37

I think the strangest thing here seems to be you expecting this man to put you before his daughter ?

The op never said she expected to come before his daughter.

kayla22 · 04/06/2024 00:43

@Aquamarine1029 she is saying he is forgetting he has a new relationship and saying it'll be at the cost of losing his new relationship which to me seems like she is expecting that?

INeedAnotherName · 04/06/2024 00:45

It won't change OP. He didn't change for his last Ex, he just called her jealous. He has the capacity to moderate his behaviour as he has normal contact with his son so it is possible he just chooses not to.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/06/2024 00:46

kayla22 · 04/06/2024 00:43

@Aquamarine1029 she is saying he is forgetting he has a new relationship and saying it'll be at the cost of losing his new relationship which to me seems like she is expecting that?

The op is expecting a healthy balance, which this man is incapable of. She never said she expected to always be put first.

grossedouteurgh · 04/06/2024 00:48

I dated someone like this and put up with the red flags for too long. It's not jealousy - their relationship is unhealthy and codependent.

I'd back away, live your life and let them get on with theirs

SamW98 · 04/06/2024 00:50

I dated someone like this and I would advise get out now as it only gets worse.
The guy I dated had a daughter in her late 20’s who lived with him and despite the fact they lived in same house 5 days a week, the 2 nights he spent at mine she phoned him on average 10/12 times a day. We’d be out to dinner and she’d phone asking him to come home for minor (made up) reasons.

Once we were away for a weekend and she phoned him crying because she was in a traffic jam ffs. My final straw was when are phoned him when we were in Greece screaming at him to change his flight to come home early because she couldn’t find her car keys!!

Run while you have the chance OP. Its not jealousy it’s a weird codependency that’s suffocating
In fact I’d say it’s the daughter who’s jealous of anyone who gets her dad’s attention.

grossedouteurgh · 04/06/2024 00:56

@SamW98 I think we dated the same man 😅

Original poster

chubbybaker · 04/06/2024 01:23

grossedouteurgh · 04/06/2024 00:56

@SamW98 I think we dated the same man 😅

hahaha I wouldn’t be surprised… seems like he’s been a round a bit 😳😳🫣🫣

OP posts:

Original poster

chubbybaker · 04/06/2024 01:27

kayla22 · 04/06/2024 00:37

I think the strangest thing here seems to be you expecting this man to put you before his daughter ?

Hi Kayla, I’m know I can’t ever expect to come before somebody’s daughter but he’s going to end up very lonely in the next relationships he gets in when he spends all his time on his phone to her or talking about her. Even when he’s not seen her he will drive to her work at eat there so can watch her. It seems unhealthy and weird!

OP posts:

Savemydrink · 04/06/2024 01:56

Does she call him Dad, or does she call him by his first name?

Reason I asked is that I once worked with a girl who’s Dad used to ring her every single day at work, a couple of times in the morning and a couple of times in the afternoons. She never referred to him as Dad, always his Christian name, (Paul) her mother also was never referred to as Mum.

Anyhow, one Christmas we all went to our works party and the girl was dropped off first from the taxi on the way home.

Paul was waiting at the door and pulled her into the house slamming the door behind them.

Next day, she turned up at work an hour late with a black eye.

That girl had 2 abortions in 2 years, the third child she kept and named him Paul. There was never any sign of a boyfriend, there was only ever Paul in her life.

This was years ago, before childline, none of us knew what to do, Paul was also a police officer.

When I left the company I never heard anything else about her.

i looked her up recently on social media to find that she had passed away. She never married and only ever had the one child.

Seems like it was only Paul until the end.

Sorry OP but your boyfriend/daugher relationship is ringing alarm bells here. Hope I’m wrong.

alrightluv · 04/06/2024 02:02

@Savemydrink that's so sad.

MonsteraMama · 04/06/2024 02:11

He's going to be a lonely man when she eventually gets a boyfriend (or girlfriend) to fulfil the role he's currently filling and she drops him like a sack of hot shit. Seen it happen, hate to see it but... It happens. Eventually she won't need or want her dad fawning after her every step.

Cupcake333333 · 04/06/2024 08:33

kayla22 · 04/06/2024 00:37

I think the strangest thing here seems to be you expecting this man to put you before his daughter ?

What op has described if its to taken exactly word for word is that this man is ott .a reasonable person can see that. It's not that they are on holiday together or that he talks about her, it does he appear he is going really overboard. I have children and I adore them , in fact I'm currently still their cook clean maid and p.a however I am able to hold down a convo that doesn't include them every sentence I speak. I think that's what op is trying to say

Original poster

chubbybaker · 04/06/2024 09:34

Thank you all so much for comments. I didn’t want to say too much to friends as I didn’t want to be judged or talked about.

I am really close to my elderly Mum so I loved the fact they are close. Until I realised it was an unhealthy codependency type relationship.
She has boyfriends but still chooses to go out with her Dad and be on the phone to him all the time. She’s currently single but I’ve not seen any difference in behaviour when she’s dating/not dating.

She calls him Dad or Daddy and he calls her “baby girl”. It’s taken me to fully write this all out to you all to see how unhealthy it all is. We should still be in the honeymoon period but there’s barely any passion or intimacy.

It is a shame as he has several good points… but I can see that his obsession with his daughter won’t ever change. He is also right with money hahaha so I’m better off out of it!!

OP posts:

Original poster

chubbybaker · 04/06/2024 09:35