Hiya,
I don’t know where to turn and so I have signed up here hoping I can find some advice, even just some words to tell me that today I have done the right thing. I don’t know. I can’t stop crying. This is a long story but I really hope someone has the time to read it.
In September of last year I met a wonderful Irishman (will call him M). I’m from England, we met through work. He swept me off my feet, to put it simply. He made me feel amazing. We’d meet and extend our stay wherever we were with work, and eventually he’d come over here to see me and vise versa.
We both have children, both are age 2. We knew this about each other when we met. Within 5 months my then partner had moved out (we were very much on the rocks) and I was ready to start my new life with M, I knew my son would love him and I was very excited. M had told me he really wanted to start his life over again in England, having fallen out with most of his family, he told me his then partner and mother to his child was abusive towards him, and that he could see himself thriving over here with me. He would be in tears telling me this, it really pulled at my heart strings. Of course I wanted to make sure he’d be able to see his daughter and he told me he could make that work.
A whirlwind. Everything felt so good. I told my parents I’d met someone else and what the plans were; they were happy for me and my son thinking I was doing the right thing for me.
Then one day I just didn’t hear from him. This was weird because he’d not stopped messaging before this. Two days went by and finally he got in touch, explaining he can’t come over, he can’t leave his wee girl. I was fully understanding of this and I told him that he should stay in Northern Ireland for as long as he wanted, forever if that’s what was required, and I cared about him too much to make him feel like he had to move over here. I explained we could make it work; it’s a short flight over and we could do on/off locations with our time. He seemed to settle down to this idea, and we went on doing that.
Time went on and he wasn’t quite as talkative when we weren’t together via text but I tried not to doubt. We met in London for a work event and I was really poorly, my appendix has burst (unbeknownst to me of course!) and I ended up coming back to the North quickly and into emergency surgery.
It was this time when he didn’t get in touch that I decided to take it upon myself to end it, as hard as it was, having uprooted my life for this man, he couldn’t even get in touch to ask me how I was. When he eventually did reach out he told me how his life was a mess and he was so sorry for not being in touch. I’m cutting lots of corners here so this thread isn’t insanely long, but I forgave him.
We met again on Dublin for a work event, first time I’d seen him since then. We talked, I cried, I tried to understand what went wrong but he said it was him, he was a mess and he’d lost everything (?). He said he wanted to make it work with us.
He moved out of the house he was in with his partner, and for a month or two we barely spoke. He was going out and getting trollied, taking any amount of drugs and disappearing for days so I’d not hear from him. What I did notice when I saw / spoke to him was that he had lost weight and seemed highly irritable at anything. Still for whatever reason I wanted to make it work - the man I’d met in September was still in there.
I then went on to receive a phonecall from his now ex girlfriend and mother of child after she found my phone number on his smart watch. She told me she was his girlfriend and wanted to know who I was. She was kind and told me she wouldn’t blame me and it was entirely on him, she said she’d kicked him out due to the late nights, drugs and lies. He swore they weren’t together and that he hadn’t told her about me to protect himself from losing access to his child. I took his word.
Very long story short now, I have returned home having spent the weekend with at his new rented home. The red flags I got this weekend have knocked me for six and today I ended it for good. This first one is silly, but I’d asked him to buy me some new pyjamas for me coming over, to make it homely if this is what we were going to do. He didn’t, he said he forgot. He went on to tell me he had no money (oh we had also said we’d split the flight costs, but we never did. I paid for the last 3 lots). I bought him and his daughter who was due over a small food shop, and I treat us to drinks out that evening moreso because I needed a drink then as I was suddenly regretting coming over.
The worst part for me and what set my decision in stone was how he acted in front of his 2 year old. It was her first time meeting me so I was nervous and I wanted it to be lovely. Basically his phone charger wasn’t working, and suddenly he blew a basket - I mean screaming at it, swearing so loudly ‘this FING THING, F ME!!!!’ and he balled his fist as if he was going to punch the wall. I got such a fright, but the baby didn’t seem too phased. He shouted for a good long minute like this, red in the face. Every so often, even when he wasn’t shouting, I’d look to see her sitting covering her eyes. I know all children develop at different stages but I also noticed she was so timid and she did not say a word; not a single thing. Just cried or seemed to get angry sometimes.
So today I ended it. I left him a voicemail explaining that it was too hurtful and chaotic for me to be involved anymore and that my emotions couldn’t handle it. He told me to go away and leave him alone and that now ‘he’s lost everything’s
I just feel utterly empty. I know I’ve made the right decision but I just feel so very low. Nice words would be amazing :(