Salespeople, love bombing and emotional abuse

[Yorkshirepuddingtime]

I’ve name changed for this thread.

In the past I’ve been in two emotionally abusive relationships. They’re both long gone now, but I’m still affected by it, and afterwards I educated myself as much as I could. One thing that came up again and again was love bombing, where they tell you how amazing you are before eventually pulling away. It’s a huge red flag for me when someone is overly charming.

Recently I stopped to speak to a chugger. I don’t even know why, because usually I say no, or just walk by without saying anything at all. I don’t know why I let my guard down this time.

I did tell her straight away that I wouldn’t be signing up to anything, but I would at least have a chat with her. I don’t even understand why I did this. But anyway, this woman was laying on the compliments thick and fast, being overly friendly to a ridiculous degree, telling me I looked great etc, and then her colleague joined in and it felt so over the top.

I eventually got away without signing up to anything but I felt violated, like I’d let my guard down when I’m supposed to know better. I felt like I’d been love bombed, and it got me thinking about the emotional abuse from the past, the way that people manipulate you.

Is there anything in this? Are manipulative sales tactics a type of emotional abuse? When an abuser is trying to woo you at the beginning, could you say they’re trying to make a sale in some way? I felt so upset after this incident as I didn’t realise it would bring back all these memories.

FWIW, here's a compressed version of the sales training I used to deliver.

Pattern: Attention, Interest, Desire, Conviction, Action.
Anchors: open questions - How, Who, What, Where, When, Why
Agreement: Use 'tie-downs' (isn't it, don't they, etc) to build consensus.

These are things we do all the time in conversation. Courses on social skills teach the same, the only real difference is that your salesperson or manipulator's driving it towards a particular objective.

Sales training's very big on closes: a dozen or so ways to get the client to sign up. Again, they're all things we do in normal life - you're 'closing' when you arrange a night out with your mates, and when you ask your kids if they want pizza or chicken for dinner.

This is where 'No is a complete sentence' really comes into its own. Someone who's legitimately selling to you, or manipulatively coercing you, will pick up anything else you say and run with it, trying to turn it into a Yes. We see it at its worst on this board, where partners do an 'analytical close' on unhappy posters wanting to end their relationship. Their aim is to invalidate every one of the unhappy person's issues while tying her down to reasons to stay.

NLP is total bollocks but, like Attraction/Manifesting, it's underpinned by some very basic truths of human psychology: we need social strokes and positive feedback; we're afraid of exclusion; we see what we expect to see; we're more likely to get what we want with clear focus and planning.

If it felt like your chugger was love-bombing you, she was using strokes and affirmation to get your Attention. If she was any good, she'll have segued to Interest while still giving you loads of positive feedback - you're a good person who cares about wider issues, animal welfare, peace on earth, whatever.

This being no doubt true, it's not too hard to nudge you into a Desire to make a difference! The tricky bit comes next, she needs you to Convince yourself you care enough to sign a direct debit. And she will try to help you with that, you being such a good person and all 😁

Im no expert but the most effective technique Ive developed through working with hardcore salespeople is 'No Apologies' Particularly as women, we are socialised to be pleasant an compliant and apologetic. So as soon as you start saying 'No sorry I cant do that' or 'sorry i dont think i can so that' they've somehow got an in. I've trained myself to erase the word sorry from my vocabulary and I find it really helps. 'Can I tell you abaout starving donkeys?' 'No, im in a hurry'. 'Have you got 5 minutes?' 'No'

@Garlicker Thank you very much. This is very interesting and very helpful. I've definitely got better at just saying no things in recent years, and just no, end of. Even though I stopped to speak to her, I was very clear at the beginning that I wouldn't be signing up for anything and that this was just a chat, and I'm proud of myself that I followed through with that. Obviously I should've just said no to the chat in the first place, but at least I held my ground with not signing up.

@AIstolemylunch Very true. I think I've got better at just saying no, and not apologising, as far as I can remember, but next time I find myself saying no to someone I'll make a point of noticing if I sound apologetic or not. Even if I don't say sorry in words, I still need to get the tone right and make sure that I don't even sound apologetic.

Thanks very much everyone for your thoughts. Some very interesting and helpful stuff here.

Yes to this, I was asked - didn't I feel sorry for the poor little kittens. No I don't care, the look on their faces was a joy

I find telling them your own sob story gets them running away from you 😂

Have you ever told somebody begging that your skint?! They don't want to hear it.

Any more thoughts on this would be welcome. I’m going through a lot of reflection at the moment.