Do you have a relationship 'life hack'?

[BellaDelBosco]

I posted something similar as a comment on another thread and then I wondered if others do this, or what other tips could be useful.

Is there something you'd like to share that helps your relationship with your life partner/significant other?

I can mention 3 things that have worked for us:

1. On Fridays we go out for a drink to talk about how our relationship is going, like a low key friendly couple counselling - sometimes we do personality tests together, we read useful articles, etc. We also looked at leadership styles, that was very interesting in a couple context. Fridays drinks are the best moment to discuss grievances and problems calmly in a neutral environment.
2. Another things that help us is to do reflection after an argument: the 3 things that I have learned from this argument are...
3. Finally I have a relationship journal where I also keep a gratitude list, all the tings in my relationship I am grateful for, big and small.

It may be a bit of a 'management approach' to a sentimental relationship but it has helped us massively.

I'd love to hear if anyone else does similar things, or what are your relationship life hacks?

I don't but will be following this thread with interest as tbh my marriage is currently a little difficult!

Don't find a conspiracy when there is none

Be kind to each other. It's worked for nearly 40 years for us.

I am sorry to hear - if it's any consolation when we had couple therapy years ago the therapist used to say that difficult is not bad per se, is is the not caring and giving up, and living parallel lives is the worst.

That is wonderful. 23 for us so we are babies compared to you.

Communicate issues at the earliest reasonable opportunity and realise I am responsible for 50% of relationship dynamics too.

To be honest all three points in the OP sound like an insufferable constant feedback loop and dare I say a bit corporate.

We have one date night a week. We have a laugh, just chill and appreciate each others company. The idea of treating it as couples counselling and nit pick over grievances sounds utterly shit.

I love the taking responsibility for 50 percent of the dynamic. Absolutely yes!

Gosh a performance review of the relationship progress every week does seem a bit much for me too but if it works for you...

My one that I offer to youngsters that always makes them laugh but really has worked for me is, find ways to have enough space from one another (in a non hurtful/selfish way of course). I think it's really important to have physical space to yourself even if you live in a small house/flat, esp if you're slightly introverted like me and DH, maintain separate hobbies/interests, see friends regularly (we do have lots of mutual friends too of course and do plenty of socialising as a couple but we try and make time to spend time with our own friends without one another too), basically don't live in one another's pockets the whole time. DH and I even holiday separately sometimes. It's a way of maintaining that interest and spark in a long term relationship which can be hard, I look forward to being able to spend time with DH at the end of a long busy week and we have news and things to talk about (even if that's feigning interest in the other's hobby), whereas the weeks we've just been at home, together, doing nothing the whole time conversation and energy lags.

It's particularly hard but I think particularly important to maintain this through the young kids years as women in particular can feel completely subsumed by the role of wife/mother and lose their own identity in looking after everyone else which is such an unhealthy relationship dynamic. Also this is a bit counter-intuitive but the more we feel independent from each other and happy/fulfilled in our lives without the other person, the more we value what they actually bring to our lives and the positives in the choice we make to stay together. Those couples that are totally enmeshed in one another and share absolutely everything, I think it can be easier both to take for granted the positives and also to blame the other person for the negatives, not to be too cod psychology about it but I truly believe that to be functional in a couple you need to value and understand yourself as an individual too...

Give each other space to do things by themselves

Never go to bed on an argument

Have regular "date nights"

Yup. Sounds like a work performance management meeting. (Ive been married 30odd years and never done that)

Dh is big on deliberate and genuine thank yous, not just a polite gesture but a specific heartfelt statement of gratitude for ordinary things. I love it and do it myself now with him and my mum.
I don't think it'd work as a technique though, it has to feel natural.

yes! gratitude, positivity I can relate to that. Finding joy.

My way may not be many other people's way but I think it's really interesting seeing the different approaches. And one approach does not invalidate the others.

Thank you for this beautifully nuanced post; for us when the children were smaller and e did things separately it felt lonely. We enjoy having shared interests - my superior half is my best friend and I love hanging out with him.