What does your marriage look like after 16 years sex/loved up/excitement wise?

[SummerGardenFlowers]

Asking for opinions. I've been with my DH for 16 years, married for 13. I'm 41 he's 39. All in all it's good, I love him, the kids are getting older now and there's a bit more freedom, we never argue and he's my best friend, he's always got my back and is a kind and loyal husband and a good dad. But he seems to want the "loved up" feeling all the time, kissing, cuddles, sex. We have sex maybe 2 or 3 times a week on average which I don't think is bad, I'm happy with that. I'm a bit ruled by my hormones where I can take it or leave it a lot of the time but when I'm pre menstrual and just want to be left alone he'll ask if everything is ok between us etc when as far as I'm concerned it is, I just don't want or need sex and quite frankly it pisses me off and makes me feel like there's an undertone when he hasn't had any for a few days.

But part of me is wondering if there is a fault - should things be more exciting like he wants it to be? For me, I feel secure, happy, loved, I enjoy spending time with him (while also wanting to do my own thing) - I don't really feel that sexual excitement or being loved up is a thing for me any more although I do enjoy sex when we do it, and there are definitely times through the month when I can't get enough of it. But after 16 years is that normal??

Hopeful bump for replies!

He needs to be more in tune to the normal fluctuations in your cycle.

Does he understand the biology of it?

I could have written your post OP! Very similar set up here. I think I'm going through the perimenopause which is affecting everything about me (not in a good way!). I can take or leave sex. I do enjoy it 2 - 3 times a week which is enough for me. DH (probably like a lot of men) would want more I'm sure!
So no advice (sorry) but I do understand.

Thing is I'm not even sure it's just that, it's like he wants our relationship to be like it's new/exciting, and that the "settled" thing that it has evolved in isn't quite enough for him - like I don't think I can be what he wants me to be!!

Sorry, I'm no help because it's the same here. Together, 24 years. Married 14. Several grown-up children. 3-4 years ago, my libido was very high, and I wanted sex daily, but he didn't. We had issues around communicating, too, and led fairly separate lives, and I walked out for a day or 2 in the end.
We had counselling and worked on our communication and relationship to get it back to where it was before life got in the way.

At first, sex was amazing: several times a day every day, but for the last year or 18 months, I'm the one struggling.

I love him, and we get on great, but I never have any urges or feel horny anymore.

I'm devastated by it as I want to want him as much as he now shows me he wants me, but although I enjoy it when we do it, I never feel the urge so it's always him instigating it, which I hated the other way around.

Me and DP are both 38. We've been together 19 years. We don't have children.

We're both pretty 'meh' about sex. We have sex once a week on average, I'd say. But we can go months without it and not be too fussed if work, stress, weather or whatever gets in the way. If one of us gets in the mood, we'll either instigate through touching or kissing. Or, to be honest, we'll just be blunt but in a jokey way - a few weeks ago, DP came into our bedroom and said "would you like intercourse?" and we did.

We're not 'loved-up'. We don't kiss and cuddle. It makes me claustrophobic to just think about that. But we're tactile. We'll have a dance while we're making a brew or I'll make DP give me a piggy back or we'll put arms around each other if we're shoulder surfing each other. We also play fight a lot 😬

If you can, keep enjoying sex. It's such a big thing for men. If he's cuddly and affectionate other times, without any pressure, enjoy it. My DH would only touch me when he wanted sex which was very offputting.

Maybe explain about how during certain weeks you're struggling for physical reasons but that you appreciate the affection and care.

We are exactly like this too. We’ve been together 16 years.

I won’t be pressured for sex by anyone. I have the lower sex drive in our relationship and I’ve been in a marriage before where I was always feeling pestered and I’ve made that very clear to dh that I won’t put up with anything like that, thankfully he is totally on board with that.