I am so sorry, this is long ramble. Thankyou if you read this.
I will try to be objective and factual as possible. I am hoping somebody might give me some insight.
I am in the process of divorcing my husband. It is a long drawn out process as he is refusing to participate.
He makes my life more difficult with him in it.
I am divorcing him because he never pulled his weight. I lost attraction to him due to things that happened in our marriage.
Once,I came home from work, he was asleep upstairs and my then 3 year old was downstairs unsupervised. I bought gates for my driveway after this incident. Another time, I came home from work and my then 2 year old was asleep on a couch with her coat on. I checked her temp and it was 40 degrees. She ended up hospitalised with tonsillitis. I think I may have had PND and general feeling of inability to cope as I enlisted the support of my family to deal with his ineptitude with the children rather than initiate a divorce. It limped along. He will deny that these events took place. I feel guilty about this and should have done better on behalf of my dc.
He never cooked dinners or participated in chore sharing. He appears incompetent Examples; He got somebody to paint a small patch of our house and just left it like that. I saved money for a year and got somebody to paint the entire house. He will deny that this happened.
He left a huge cut out in ceiling of utility room as he was checking for leak. He never repaired it and left loose ramshackle units and sink in utility room. He had trained for many years as a carpenter. I saved money and got a proper utility room fitted and the ceiling repaired.
His bedroom is thick with mess. He is lazy and disorganised. He has left the children's bikes out in the rain and breaks and damages things through carelessness.This is my truthful experience. I could write a book about his level of laziness. He says he is a good man and is not lazy. I felt resentful of him and grew to despise him. We have been sexless for 6 years. He is arrogant.
Over the years, I entered into discussions to try and sort out how we need to end the marriage amicably. There was absolutely no discussion or acceptance. It was deemed all my fault. Contempt grew, I couldn't bear to be in same room as him. I feel ashamed for raising my two dd in this environment. I filed for divorce a few years ago.
He is refusing to engage or acknowledge the marriage is over. I feel trapped. My solicitor has advised me to stay in the home or I will lose all interest in it and end up with nothing.
Husband tells me that I should move in with my mother and he will take care of our daughters(now 9 and 12). He said they will be fine without me and will not be upset. He said as I am the one ending it, I need to leave. It is all my fault. He said people in their 40's don't have sex and our marriage is typical- separate bedrooms, separate lives.
My dd is embarrassed as he talked about puberty with her. He said it was normal for modern fathers to be open about this. He is obsessed with my health. He told me I am sick. I am on blood pressure tablets but I never disclosed this to him. He told me I was on them. I keep my bedroom locked but recently discovered he has a key to my bedroom and has been entering my room. My tablets were hidden in a drawer.I don't want him to hear me using the loo at night as I am afraid he will comment on it. I have no privacy.
He has opened my post. He ignores that the marriage is over. His mother gave me a birthday present, he sent me a happy birthday text with family emoji. He refuses to engage with the courts.
Last night he sent text asking did I need a lift home. He persists with the marriage. He was standing in the kitchen when I got home last night. I jumped when I saw him.The relationship ended many years ago. There is no getting through to him. I had a nightmare last night. I am very stressed. Am I being abused?
He never shouts or loses his cool or makes threats. My gut feeling is one of apprehension, sadness, frustration and fear. My well being is suffering under the strain. I put on a brave face for my two beautiful girls. I feel guilty that he is their father and this is the model of their relationship. What will I do? I feel powerless now.
He is not cross or abusive to daughters but he does not appear to have a particularly good rapport/bond with them. Obviously I don't know what their experience of him is as I see him through a different lense.
I think that I provide all emotional support to them, we have a loving, easy bond and have lots of fun together despite circumstances. I provide all practical care for them- meals, laundry, dentist, hairdresser, grooming, entertainment, socialising etc. I can't leave them with him.
What kind of abuse is this? Or is it just irreconcilable differences?
Thankyou to anybody who got to the end.