Too keen?

[laura6767]

I’ve had 3 dates with a guy I met on hinge. I’m early 30s he is mid 30s.
dates have been fine, I’ve had fun but I’m not sure about him and have seen our dates as getting to know each other.
last night he messaged me that he wants to be in a relationship with me, can’t stop thinking about me etc. he said he knows he likes to move faster than most. I asked to keep things slowed down as we don’t really know each other. He said that was okay and blamed the tv show he was watching which is all about relationships. This has scared me a bit and wonder if it’s a bit of love bombing/manipulation?
he is putting me on a huge pedestal and he doesn’t even really know me. The only way is to fall down surely?
The reason I haven't been too sure about him up until this point is that he seems very in-experienced socially and in terms of dating. He speaks in a strange overly formal manner sometimes which I kind of put down to nerves. I think he has lied about previous relationships to make himself sound more experienced than he is (things he has told me haven’t added up in this regard).
He has come across a bit desperate, saying he is the only person he knows not in a relationship and that he finds dating and the apps hard. I think he was talking about marriage and baby names on the first and second dates.
im not sure if this is a red flag or he just really likes me and due to in-experience is coming across too keen?
he seems to have similar values and life goals. So I haven’t wanted to right him off too quickly. Friends usually say I am too picky so I want to be sure I am being fair to guys.
I have dated a lot in the last couple of years and don’t understand how you can want to be in a relationship with someone you don’t really know yet. I usually like to wait around 3 months before discussing a relationship (especially if we meet as strangers on the first date), different if previously friends for example.
does this sound like red flags or something innocent? Thanks for reading!

Sounds innocent. My DH wanted to be exclusive after date three.

I’d trust your gut instincts here OP. If it feels off, it probably is.

You don’t owe him a chance, I remember politely cancelling on a first date a few days before because some of his messages were a bit “odd” once we’d agreed to meet, and a friend said I was being unreasonable and to give him a chance. He called me that evening and screamed abuse at me and said all women were manipulative scheming bitches. Bullet dodged. Blocked. Move on (and learn not to give out your phone number before meeting!).

It's a tricky one. Unfortunately, I think we're so used to guys being crap on the apps that we view any kind of earnestness with suspicion.

I don't think the things you're mentioned are red flags necessarily. His speech pattern might just genuinely be the way he talks. And I think we're conditioned to not talk about kids/marriage early on for fear that it's too intense, but why not? They're huge points of compatibility, so I don't see the harm of seeing if you're on the same page about them. And I think most people find the apps and dating generally hard - it's tough out there!

Lying about the previous relationships is a bit of a red flag, so I would keep an eye on that. And I think you're right to take things slow to make sure that it's you he wants to be in a relationship with rather than him just wanting to be in a relationship.

Essentially, if you'd like to continue getting to know him and see a potential future, then keep seeing him at your pace. If you don't think it's got legs, throw him back.

Agree - I think 3 dates was it for me to be exclusive, I think she cancelled another date with someone after our 1st as it felt right.

It’s a mixed one for me. I don’t think wanting to be exclusive after 3 dates is an issue. But then I’m someone who doesn’t multi date and wouldn’t continue seeing someone without exclusivity.

But it seems a bit much to be talking marriage and babies after a handful of dates and that comes across as a red flag or desperation or love bombing.

I would tread very carefully and if it feels wrong, then your gut is telling you something.

My ex wanted to be exclusive after our first date. So it's not always a sign something is wrong. Obviously we have to take on a case by case basis and it's good you're questioning.

I don't know, I'm thinking perhaps give him a chance? He hasn't done anything wrong, you are calling the shots so maybe see how things play out. Maybe you're a good catch!

After date three I'd perhaps consider being exclusive in terms of hiding my profile, only dating them etc
But I wouldn't label it as boyfriend / girlfriend. Just dating and getting to know.

From the way you describe him and his behaviour I would walk away. It makes me think he desperately wants to be in a relationship and he is rushing things without actually getting to know you for who you are and letting it grow.

Not sure I fully agree based on the ages - both are 30s, if one person does want kids and the other is no way, then probably best to get that out the way early asap rather than a year down the line.

If I was to go dating, and met someone who told me on 1st date the 100% wanted kids it would allow me to walk away as thats not what I want with anyone, and being fair to her so she can find that person

I'd have an in person chat with him and tell him it's too soon to be picking out matching china patterns and picking baby names.

If he responds positively to that and slows down like you want then there's hope.

If he a) ignores you or b) is ok for a date or 2 before going back to his previous behaviour then thrown him back.

And that’s not what I’m saying. The fact he’s talking baby names on the first date is the red flag (one of several imo) not just saying he wants kids.

The weird thing re the kids convo was him saying he didn’t think he wanted kids on the first date. I said I probably did but not 100 sure. He then started talking baby names the 2nd date. So it seems he is implying he wants kids because he knows I do? Again a bit desperate and concerning as having kids isn’t something to be taken lightly!

My impression is he could be innocent but not for you. I think if you liked him more you'd find this enthusiasm refreshing rather than a off-putting. It isn't necessarily anything wrong with him but you've pulled out a lot of perceived faults and are trying to recognise a harmful pattern. Just let him go. You wouldn't be doing this if you were interested. If he had bad intentions? He was very clumsy.

Me and DP were together after one date (there was nobody else I wanted to see so I cancelled others). He was less experienced so sort of just assumed we were seeing each other rather than establishing exclusivity (I checked before sleeping together and he was quite bemused), being official etc.

People doing things differently isn't always pathological.

Similarly, a lot of dates have included a little chat about kids and marriage- to check you're on the same page. They're not saying they necessarily want or expect that with you after a handful of dates

I don't know if it's potential love bombing or manipulation.

What I do know is that it's going too fast for you. his behaviour, language, stories etc all make you uncomfortable and while you like him and think he has similar values etc, this isn't necessarily enough.

I also had a few concerns about DH when I met him, but they weren't things that made me uncomfortable it was just - did I like him enough when he obviously really really liked me. I wasn't worrying about him love bombing me or whatever and in fact, in light of the fact that we both knew he was much more keen than me, he was very respectful of my boundaries.

Ah he could be mirroring! A classic sign of love bombing. Telling you what you want to hear.

Are all the shared values things you mentioned first and he said “me too, me too” or did he come out with those unprompted?

Yes, I was thinking mirroring too. Personally, I'd back away from this guy.

Yes, sounds like mirroring and also the intensity and the putting you on a pedestal definitely rings alarm bells for me.