Partner shows no interest

[bowsnose]

I don't really know why I'm writing this or what I want from this so please be kind.

Im 31 female partner is 35 male. 2 kids, one with additional needs and youngest who I'm sure is too but too young.

We've been together since I was 19. Generally love the bones of him. We've had our ups and down and I like to think we're compatible bar... our non existent sex life and I'm sure he isn't attracted to me.

When we met I was a tiny size 6 I'm now 8.5 stone but only 5ft1 so I look bigger than the scales say. Covered in stretch marks and a horrible pop belly from separated abs from pregnancy. I know my body has changed dramatically I'm no longer stick thin with a flawless tummy. I can point out the flaws and I'm constantly trying to make an effort. Dress nice. I try to be healthy and I really do appreciate how lucky I was to carry two amazing little people. I parent alot on my own due to his work commitments.

Partner is working long hours (I don't mind picking up the childcare slack) I am so excited to see him when he gets in/ or after the rare night out but him .... nothing. I tell him if he looks nice. I ask for a cuddle. I am so in awe of him but the main issue is he's not me. He doesn't compliment me at all. He will say he loves me but I tend to say it first. In the day he doesn't contact me unless I do him. He doesn't like to be touched. We have sex I'd like to say twice a month but sometimes it's just the once. Not from me not trying or hinting. I've never been with a man who isn't up for it all the time but understand we're all different. I've found out he's been watching porn he denies. We've spoken about how this all makes me feel in general. I've asked him if he's attracted to me he says he's is. What am I doing so wrong? I feel so unloveable and unattractive. I'm not an ogre if I go out I do get attention not that I care for it because I've got him. But what is so repulsive about me, why can't he just tell me I look nice.

I feel really needy writing this. For context I don't badger him about it. He doesn't talk about feelings and I'm just kind of expected to just get on with it which I do but about twice a year it comes up. I watch other couples get engaged (he doesn't want to marry me and will openly say it's not for him and I would never want to force that on someone even if I'd like too. I watch other couples flirt, have amazing sex lives and I really do understand every relationship is different but why am I so different to not get just a slither of affection. It's not because others have this but because I would like to feel loved/appreciated. Tonight it's come up and he's just stormed to sleep in another room.

Sorry for the long post.

What kind if financial security do you have?

I don't have any part of the house it's his house. I do work but it's not a great wage but enough to get by.

8.5 stone is a perfectly average weight for someone of 5ft1. You're what, a Size 10-14? Hardly huge is it.

Tbh I suspect if you lose all 15 stone of HIM your life and your self esteem would drastically improve.

So even though you were togther since you were young he bought a house by himself and didnt include you, and he doesnt want to marry you, and he doesnt want to sleep with you or even be affectionate. I think you deserve more than this and also it's probably best to try and sort out your life while you are still young so you dont end up in a poverty situation when you are older as it sounds like you dont have any security really.

I just feel totally depressed by my own body like he doesn't seem to ever want me, take an interest of even pretend. But other means seem to excite him. He's a good dad but you're right my self esteem is rock bottom. I feel like I've asked for the bare minimum and it's just to hard for him to do.

Sorry you feel like this about yourself. The changes to your body are absolutely normal!! What is appalling here is that he is not supporting you and making you feel good about yourself. He's the real reason your self esteem is through the floor. If he was complimenting you and making an effort, I bet you wouldn't feel so bad about yourself. Its also worrying that he owns a house separate from you giving you zero financial security.

Having sex once or twice a month isn't bad going considering you've been together forever. Think you'd be surprised how little married couples have sex, especially with young children.

He probably has a porn addition, like a lot of men these days. I don't know the answer for it but I'd say you need to reignite the flame somehow. Maybe try something new in bed? You need to have an honest conversation with him about it really.

@bowsnose - What you do or don't look like is absolutely irrelevant. At the end of the day, we generally get together with someone because we fancy them and are attracted to them. Whether you're a supermodel or average looking (like most of us!), it makes zero difference. Please don't think this has anything to do with your looks / body. It does not.

I'm sorry but it sounds to me like you're clinging on for dear life and trying to force something that isn't there...

I tell him if he looks nice. I ask for a cuddle. I am so in awe of him but the main issue is he's not me. He doesn't compliment me at all. He will say he loves me but I tend to say it first. In the day he doesn't contact me unless I do him.

Why are you like this with him if it's not being reciprocated? Are you scared of him leaving? Surely you can't have all these wonderful feelings towards him when you're getting nothing back?

You say he doesn't want to marry you? But he was ok with having children with you? And you've been together 12 years but it's still "his" house that you just live in?

Can I ask what you do get from this relationship?

He sounds awful OP. You deserve to be treated with kindness, respect and consideration, to feel loved and appreciated. Thats without even mentioning the seriously precarious position you are in finanically by not being married or on the deeds of the house.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there and it’s absolutely soul-destroying. But my exH wasn’t interested in sex at all. He would react with disgust if he saw me naked. After a final 5 years without a single shag, I ditched him and was a fizzing bomb of sexual frustration. It was so glorious to finally get my rocks off. 😅

Been with my current partner 10 years and we still fancy each other (although with 3 kids, we are lucky to do it twice a month!). I’m older and fatter than I was with exH but I feel attractive because I don’t have some arsehole putting me down all the time.

Oh dear OP. You've got yourself into a fix. You even talk about not minding picking up the extra childcare slack.... wow wow wow. Do you realise that you are gifting him time, therefore money into his pocket- that will not benefit you at all, since you have no commitment from him. He has royally screwed you over. Low wage, 2 kids, no marriage, no name on deeds. Wake up OP!! Wake up and hold him accountable!

You need to start focusing on your financial security and housing.
Why is your name not on the deeds of the house?
I think you need to accept that your relationship may be over.

I think it's just he's the man I've had kids with the one who I wouldn't have chosen any different. I feel like I've never loved a previous partner like I do him. I wish I was more colder and could be like yep he doesn't care or seem to care about me (he reckons it's just how I think and that I don't know what goes on in his head) but how am I meant to mind read? I try so hard to not to of "let myself go" I get complimented from others but not from him. I find myself questioning is it me? Am I being shallow expecting too much? Is it normal after so many years and just being a diva? A few years ago during some choice words of something her lied about in the heat of the moment he said "I don't care about you" so I decided to just sort me and the children out and avoid him until I figured it all out. By the end of it he was telling me he didn't mean it and was so apologetic. But obviously words sting and I get no other view of well he's said it and also doesn't show me. I never go without and he does provide but I feel like there's more to life than just being provided for. I want to feel loved.

I feel like I've never loved a previous partner like I do him.

You were 19 when you started a relationship with him - that’s young. Any previous partners were teenagers?
It seems he has grown apart from you.
Your biggest concern now needs to be your housing and financial stability.

Why do you think it's the way you look? You're 8.5 stone. Its hardly overweight at 5ft 1 and certainly not a ruddy 14 like someone said upthread

We all change as we get older and after having kids. We all eventually get wrinkly and a bit saggy. There's bugger all we can do about it. Men also change as they get older.

Your lack of confidence will be shining out of you. So what if you've got a bit of a belly, you've had 2 kids! You grew his kids inside of you, that is a privilege.

You got with him at 19. Sometimes people just grow apart, stop acting like he's doing you a favour because he comes home to you. Living with the uncertainty must be killing you. Maybe it's time to have the conversation about what the future looks like and if he storms off, look into taking steps. It'll crush you if you carry on feeling like this.

I think it's because it's the only thing that's changed. I'm still fun, playful. Yet he's lusting in something that's not even close to comparison.

I totally get the growing apart. I put my all in to everything. Our relationship, I get up an hour or two before everyone else to make sure he doesn't have to do anything because he does remind me how long of a day he has. I make every appointment, school event on my own. It deffo feels all one way. I just can't understand why. I've tried to spice our sex life up with toys. I dressed up not so long ago greeted with no reaction. I'm heartbroken at the thought that I'm not enough. Any type of conversation of how I'm feeling is just left to him getting cross and I'm just sweeping it under the carpet not to come across as a nag or needy. But he knows exactly how I feel and if I was to make him feel like this I'd feel terrible.

He's taking you utterly for granted. Stop falling over yourself to please him, you're not his slave. I think your relationship has run its course I'm afraid. It sounds like you've grown apart, I think he'll destroy you if you stay. Plus he's already screwed you over with no marriage so no right to claim on the house. Work on getting more work, improve your confidence, make your plans, then leave.

He is showing you by his actions he just is not really into you. I dont think he loves you at all. Possibly feels trapped because of your 2 children and doesnt want to leave you in his house that he works and pays for but doesnt want to make you leave either as it would make him look bad. So he just isnt very nice to you and avoids having sex with you. I think you could look like Margot Robbie and it wouldn't be much different, he is just not that in to you. You are not partners. You are not friends, you are not even really parenting together as you do that on your own mostly.

You are a young woman, you have your life ahead of you. I wish you could get some financial reward for having given up some earning potential as you have been looking after his children but if you split now he would have to pay for half the childcare while you are working.

You know something is very wrong or you wouldnt be posting here. Think about your future. I dont think he loves you at all.

By doing this whole dance around him to satisfy or please his every need and whim you are actually devaluing and degrading yourself. He will see you as increasingly worthless and pathetic. The more you stand up for yourself, your rights and your value, the higher his respect and esteem for you will be- though maybe not his love. You need to start planning for being independent of him. He will not provide for you forever. He honestly sounds like the love has gone and the money will follow. So sorry.

@bowsnose do you work? Have you got any savings ?
I'm sorry but you're in a terrible financial position, he could chuck you out and you'd have nothing.
Not being horrible but these things can happen.
Why aren't you on the deeds at least ?

I do work but part time. One child has additional needs so needs my support for all manner of things and one is at nursery. I don't have savings. I tend to use my wage on things the children need.

So I've tried to speak to him
Tonight. Ofc it's all In my head. I'm absolutely heartbroken he refuses to change and I can't beg for the bare minimum.

That’s your answer.
He doesn’t care.

My ex became like this after children, absolutely no interest in sex whatsoever. Wasn't watching porn, just genuinely didn't feel any sexual desire. He would prefer to spend any free time we had doing his hobbies. No affection outside the bedroom either. No interest in me as anything other than a mother to his child and person who pays half the bills. On the numerous times I raised the issue he was just like your partner and strongly denied not being sexually interested in me, but would do absolutely nothing to show me otherwise. I came to rsalise this was just something he would say to keep the relationship going a bit longer as he had the benefits of me carrying the mental load etc, and also to subtly imply it was my problem for being paranoid about his feelings for me. I expect now you're sat there analysing what he's said and wondering if maybe you've somehow exaggerated the situation.
Stop dancing about him trying to entice him. Tell him he either shows you with action that he wants the relationship or you'll be leaving. You'll be a lot happier and more confident when you aren't being rejected constantly and made to feel worthless.

I'm sorry. He really doesn't seem to care about you at all. Doesn't even sound like he likes you. Even if it is in your head, surely he can reassure the woman he loves? But he can't be bothered because it doesn't matter to him. You really deserve so much better. What are you even getting out of this relationship now?