We broke up because she needs time to think.

[Val2207]

Hello, I'm Val, I'm 21 and my ex-girlfriend and I broke up 2 weeks ago.
We were together for 5 years, and it was, for the both of us, our first relationship.

How did it happen, well I noticed that she was acting different than usual, and when I talked about it with her, she told me that she was feeling frustrated and scared about staying in our relationship, as we are young and haven’t lived and experienced anything else.

First of all, I totally understand what she means, because 2 years and a half ago, I broke up with her for the same exact reason, and then I regretted it and got back with her because I still loved her.
So I’m not mad at her, and I totally get it.

However, as of today, I’m still in love with her, and I don’t give a damn about going to live and experience other things, I just want to be with her.
So we talked about it, understood each other, and, even though she was the one to initiate the decision, we both agreed to end our relationship, without saying it’s for ever, but just so she can live and think about her feelings. Maybe we’ll get back together, maybe not, life will tell us.

As we talked, she reassured me (and I know I can trust her with that) that she still loves me. She also said that she was scared of making a mistake and that she still kind of wanted to stay with me. But as we explained our feelings to each other, she understood that she needed time to think about it and space to see if she really wants to stay or leave.

Me, right now, I’m miserable. Because I did everything to respect her decision and help her think it through, but personnally, I miss her so much I feel that my world is collapsing.

We used to love each other so much, we had a sane and beautiful relationship, we made incredible memories, and just a month ago she was still begging for hugs, saying she loved me, laughing with me and planning things for this summer. Even when we talked about our decision, we kissed and hugs each other, like nothing had changed.

And today, all of this is probably over, and honestly, I do not think she is going to come back. I hope she will, I hope so much she will realize that she wants to stay with me, but I’m almost sure she will understand that she wants to live her life by herself instead, even if she still loves me.

And I’m scared, scared because I don’t know what she’s thinking right now, because I feel she’ll find someone else, while I can’t imagine going on without her. Everything remind me of her and I don’t want to love someone else.
We both said it was better to not set up a reunion date, because I thought it would be better if she would, by herself, come up with an answer to her doubts, but now I’m just stuck waiting.

I’m stuck between the fact that we are not together and I have to move on because she might never come back, and the fact that I know she still loves me and that a part of her wants to say with me, so I’m in a really tough situation.

I can’t do anything except wait, to see what she’ll think of her feelings in a few weeks, but I’m scared it’ll never happend, or that her decision will be to leave me. Because I need her, and I can’t lose her.

I don’t know what answers I’m looking for her, but if you have any advice, I’ll take it.

You are in the throes of your first serious break up . It hurts. God it hurts.

And you just have to live through it. And you will.

But don't go waiting for her. Stop pinning your hopes on her. She's not your future.

I'm sorry you're going through this , op. You must be feeling a whole range of emotions. Sounds like you've given her all the space she needs. If it was me, I'd probably tell her how much you're missing her. But then, you don't want her to feel guilty.
Will you still be in touch with her while she "lives her life"?
I hope you feel less upset soon.

Unfortunately, time to think actually translates into she would like to see other partners.
Don’t waste your time - you will only get hurt when you find out she’s seeing someone else.
Move on and concentrate on yourself.

I know what you mean by that, but the fact is, we already went through something like that and it worked out in the end.
And what we had together was something really incredible and important (for the both of us).
Her doubts are normal, but I still know we could go on together in life, and I know she's thinking about it too.
I'm not going to live my whole life waiting for her, but as of today, I can not forget the fact that we still love each other and still want to see and spend time with each other, even if she needs time and space to be sure of that.
I don't know if you understand what I mean.

That's exactly what's going through my mind right now.

Because yes, we're still in touch, I told her I needed to not see her or have any forms of contact so I can live my life without feeling crushed but, as we're at a special time of both our lives (having to decide what to do with our studies next year), we still said we could keep in touch when we need, especially if we're going through a tough time (imagine one of us lose someone in our family or something tough like that).

The fact is, I really want her to come back, because we had something magical, and she know and told me that, I want her to know how important she is to me, how much I miss her and want to continue, but right now I think it's best I keep this for me, so she can really think and understand her feelings by herself.

I know I'm going to move on, either it's with her if she comes back or without her if she decided she really do not want to stay with me.
But it feels like nothing's going to be the same (in a bad way), and that I'll always miss her.
We had plans, we were happy, and thinking it's over just does not make sense in my brain, especially since we still love each other.
I don't know, I'm just lost because I know what to do, but I also know she could come back, so it's hard to have such conflincting thoughts.

I know she'll try to find some other people, that's the first thing we talked about, and, even if that crushes my heart to think that she'll spend time with an other man, I understand that she needs it and it's not the thing that I worry about.

The thing is, we both agreed that if we see other people but still miss each other, we would come back to each other, and still, the fact that she still loves me and (probably) misses me, keeps me from not hoping.
Because I know I should not hope, because it's really risky and it's just going to make the pain last longer, but I can not keep my brain from hoping. I just can not, because my heart can't accept it.

Keep busy with friends, study, first love is so hard on the emotions. But really good for your studies. Get out, exercise. Keep going.

I really feel for you, @Val2207.

It sounds like you've had a very successful and loving first love relationship which is a great thing. My first experience of a love relationship was the same (though we were together for 3 years rather than 5).

You sound very wise and sensible. The reality is that most people do not stay with their first loves for an entire lifetime and there are good reasons for that but it's rare for the break-up to be entirely mutual when it happens. It wasn’t mutual in my case. But it was the right thing.

So, many of us have been where you are. It does hurt like hell to start with. Your heart really does feel broken and when you're in the initial period of it, it's hard to imagine ever loving anyone else again.

It's a truism but time and getting very busy really are your friends here. It's not entirely linear and it may take a few months for the break-up not to dominate your thoughts and several months after that to start to feel completely better (and you will likely have occasional pangs for a while after that also). However, you will find with time that you start to feel better and able to find pleasure in other things. Our hearts are incredible - they can break but over time they mend and we can move on. That is what they are meant to do. We aren’t meant to hold on to heartbreak but to go through it and come out the other side.

For what it's worth, a good friend of mine was in your situation. His girlfriend of 3 years ended their relationship because she felt too young to settle down. They reunited about 5 years later in their mid-20s and married a couple of years later. They have now been married for about 25 years. It's not impossible that will happen in your case but you can't plan for it and, painful as it is, giving your girlfriend the freedom she wants now is the best possible thing you can do for both of you.

Thank you, your message made me burst into tears, and even though I do not want to accept the reality, I know I will have to, and it'll just take time.

Thank you because just the fact to get my feelings and thoughts acknowledged helps me a lot, and having the point of view of someone that know what i'm going through and even know what this particular situation is like, is very important.

I don't know how it was in your scenario or in your friend's scenario, but my main problem is having to battle the thoughts of "we still love each other, think about each other and we both want to stay together, of course she'll come back in a few weeks". But I have to understand that it's probably never going to happen, because if she needs time and space alone, it does not mean a few weeks, it means months or years, and there is a high possibility she'll move on.

I know I'm still lucky to have a "good" break up, even though it hurts like my world is getting destroyed and doubts are ruining my days, that I'm lucky that we are still in good terms and stuff, but shit's hard to really understand and accept.

Even while writing that I have my heart's telling me "noooo, don't worry, you love each other so things will work out and you'll be happy together in no-time", and that's really annoying.

Anyway, I'm just repeating myself over and over, because that's what the heart does in these situations, but just thanks again for your message and testimony, that's really helpful.

Would you really want her back after she has had sex with other people whilst finding herself?
You don’t leave when you love someone to have time out with other people.

That would be weird to think about it but I wouldn't mind to be honest, I just want to be with her.
I know her, and I trust her, I know she's lost, I know she still loves me if she says so, and I know that she is not lying to me.

The fact is, yes, people break up even if they still love each othe, it actually happens, but that's exactly what I'm afraid of, having to let go even though we love each other.