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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can someone just talk to me TW

7 replies

montycarlo · 02/06/2024 19:42

I just need someone to talk to me. Maybe even guide me a bit.

Earlier today my DD age 21 told me she was raped by her boss. He's 65 years old for fucks sakes. It happened earlier this week.

She does not live at home and lives a big distance away. I offered to fly to her but she says I must not book anything yet. I asked her to come home for a bit, I am ready to book her flight but she said she will see in the next few days.

We are not in UK so our services are different. Her friend's mother took her to the hospital and she has had everything medically necessary, has had first sti tests and is on course of meds for HIV.

The job she has comes with accomodation so tomorrow morning she had made arrangements to move, in with a friend. She is going to do a flit, he doesn't know.

She doesn't want to report him as he has threatened her and also me. I told her she can do that after or at a later point, but right now she needs to be safe. She is there until 5am tomorrow when she has arranged for someone to get her and her stuff. She has boarded up her door with a table. She can't leave now as he will see.

I wouldn't be able to get a flight until tomorrow now anyway as I'm a distance from our airport too.

She has asked me not to tell anyone here. I will respect that, but I need someone to talk to me.

Is anyone around?
I feel like the worst mother on the planet right now.

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 02/06/2024 19:48

I'm so sorry, OP. I would have to fly to my dd whether she wanted me to or not. She might be in shock and not thinking clearly.

Bittenonce · 02/06/2024 19:52

You're not a bad mother - you're just feeling impotent, like any parent would, at being so far away you can't do anything.

Most important is she's getting out at 5am tomorrow.

If you can get a flight in the morning, just get it.

Be with her.

Then get yourselves away somewhere she can feel safe and unpressured - which might or might not be at your home, let it be her call, if she can make that call.

One step at a time - first is getting her safe, getting her away from there.

gamerchick · 02/06/2024 20:03

Yeah you just need to go. She'll be in survival adrenaline mode atm. That'll wear off, she'll need her mam.

I'm so sorry.

montycarlo · 02/06/2024 20:06

I think she is in survival mode right now. And yes shock. I fear deep down she doesn't want me to go there, as he is there and she knows I want her to report him.

She is all packed now. @Bittenonce ahe needs to get away first yes.

She is my youngest and the most independant and strong child. She has has such a tough time in life so far. It's just so fucking unfair that she now also will have the aftermath of this to cope with. And I'm not even there.

OP posts:
summernights24 · 02/06/2024 20:22

I’m so sorry for your daughter, you are not a rubbish mum at all. Definitely get the first flight to her and make sure that scumbag is reported

gamerchick · 02/06/2024 20:47

montycarlo · 02/06/2024 20:06

I think she is in survival mode right now. And yes shock. I fear deep down she doesn't want me to go there, as he is there and she knows I want her to report him.

She is all packed now. @Bittenonce ahe needs to get away first yes.

She is my youngest and the most independant and strong child. She has has such a tough time in life so far. It's just so fucking unfair that she now also will have the aftermath of this to cope with. And I'm not even there.

Then don't mention anything about reporting him. Just go and be a mam. I've learned of late when you're feeling overwhelmed, well meaning loved ones go on about a legal course of action you should do. They keep repeating themselves and instead of me wanting to get closer to them for support I'm avoiding them completely. Reporting and going down a legal route is just too much on top of what's going on in your brain.

She has to come to the idea in her own time, no matter how long it takes. Just go and be a forcefield while she processes all the horrible emotions. Make her feel safe. That's all your role is ATM.

montycarlo · 03/06/2024 08:41

Just wanted to do a quick update.

She is out. She was away with all her belongings by 6am and she is safe now. She has messaged her immediate resignation to another person in management and has blocked everyone.

She is seeing a psychologist for a face to face this morning and I am on wait list for a flight later today.

My plan is to go to her, and then bring her back home. Then we will take it a day at a time going forward.

I haven't and I won't mention reporting this again at this point. We can deal with that at another point down the line.

She has a follow up appointment on Friday at the hospital where she went after, but I am not sure that is worth her staying for, as I am thinking she can see another medical professional here at home instead. I am not really sure what the follow up is, it sounds like blood tests. She can't remember and in all of this, has lost the document that she is meant to take. I am sure it is somewhere in all her things, as she just threw everything into boxes.

Does anyone know what the follow up would be? It will be a 10 day follow up.

OP posts:
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