Brother ex girlfriend surfacing after they split up 37 years ago

[lolaflores]

About a year ago, I was contacted on FB by an ex of my brothers. They were teenage sweet hearts. She had been in my circle of friends, but we weren't close, and anyway, her focus was DB, to the extent she more or less spent all her time on our front room couch having extended snogging sessions with him. Tue front room was their territory, and my sisters and I were evicted most evenings. My mother worked Long hours. My father died when we were young, so DB ruled the roost.

The last time I physically saw her was 37 years ago.
They split up after college and not too long after our family relocated to London, made the odd visit back but I never saw her, and she never made any efforts to contact me. My friends never saw her either.

About a year ago, I got a friend request off her on FB, and we had a catch-up. All great. But I was a bit confused why she'd bothered. Till she messaged me 5 .months to tell me she had breast cancer a few years ago and it was ack and spreading. Could I tell our mutual friends (who also had not heard from her in 30+ years).

I set up a WhatsApp group for us all as we are in various locations but 2 are still near her. The tone she set was of friends that had always been there for each other...though none of 7sbhad spoken to her for 3 decades. She'd passed 2 of my friends in the street once, and made no acknowledgement of them.
I wondered if we were her only friends in all this time apart from her ex husband and others partners?

Then, she starts questioning me about my DB. What bands did he still like. What was he doing?
I gave evasive answers. She pressed. I felt myself getting irritated and then explained that his behaviour in the past to us was physically, emotionally and mentally abusive. Our house was a war zone. He left so much damage behind and we no l9nger had a relationship of any distinction. She expressed surprise, at this as she never thought he was like that.

I felt incredulous as she'd witnessed his meltdowns. The screaming and hitting. The verbal abuse. Bullying throwing things. Kicking and punching me. Stealing my money and destroying stuff I held precious. Once, he chased me with a knife into a neighbours house where the man there dropped him and pinned him to the floor. No one said a word. I went to school with a black eye and a wound to my face, bruises on my hip and arms. No one said anything.

One day, my ypunger DS, who was doing tae kwondo, returned his request for us to hit him with a direct kick to the chest, and he stopped hurting us from that moment on.

After explaining this to her, she apologised for bringing it up though it left me wondering if she saw me as a route to him to have a reunion or something?
I feel so bad in one way as she is ill and possibly terminal, and whilst I understand she wants to recall happier times, I am beginning to feel manipulated.
Or
She is on some very strong meds which are having a big impact on her.

Memories have been released that I could do without and I'd rather keep my distance. I don't know...

Thanks for listening.

Sorry @lolaflores that she's bringing back such bad memories for you. Obviously your Brother was a different person with her but it sounds like she had a lucky escape. It's kind of you to chat with her but don't fell obliged to, if the bad memories are hurting you then I'd tell her you don't want to talk about your Brother anymore.

I wouldn't bother with her, cancer or not. She's come out of nowhere after almost 4 decades.

Yes it is sad that she is ill, but you don't owe this person anything. Keeping your distance from her sounds like a sensible idea.

Hi op you’ve been plunged into a place and time that was really traumatic.

How do things stand with your family atm?

Even siblings can have very different narratives on what the home life was like. I’m guessing your brother sees it very differently but for different reasons. He wouldn’t want to feel any responsibility for his behaviour and she clearly hasn’t had to, or hasn’t yet come to terms with a harmful childhood. Some people are so outside of this that they appear eye-wateringly crass. I heard someone on radio say recently that a child going missing is every parent’s worst nightmare. Karen Matthews anyone? and any other parent who we know has meted intentional harm on their child, or failed to protect them.

Tell this woman you are no longer able to communicate with her and block her. She has absolutely no place in your life. She is nothing but a reminder of the trauma you suffered.

Thank you for writing this out, OP. I think this topic will be very important for a lot of mumsnet readers. Basically you are describing the longevity and deep pain of childhood trauma and how random events and the needs of others can dislodge these buried griefs.

Your brother’s abuse, the loss of your mother, your dad’s neglect, the indifference of the neighbours and teachers, are all contributing to your PTSD.

Perhaps you don’t think of it that way but I think in the US, certainly, you would meet criteria for PTSD.

Be very kind to yourself. Tell this woman you do not have time to reminisce and just wish her well and end the connection. You can’t do her good if she is throwing you into pain and confusion.

Then try calming your body. When thoughts arise (memories) of your brother try imagining you ate on a (nice clean fast) train and the memory is outside, on a platform that you won’t stop at. You can choose to lean on the window and look at it. It won’t get on the train with you. In a minute it will be long passed.

If that doesn’t work I highly recommend therapy, EMDR, and walking/running and generally a healthy lifestyle. Hopefully the traumatic memories will recede like a plant starved of water.

Sounds like her health situation has made her revisit past relationships and friendships to give her some comfort at a scary time in her life. Is she asking for his contact details to rekindle some sort of relationship with him too? Ask her to stop asking about your DB as you find her Qs upsetting and as a consequence of his behaviour are LC/NC contact with him. If she doesnt listen then wish her well and end the conversation.

Sorry for wandering off
Thank you all so much. You've put my mind at rest about my reaction.
And yes, diagnosed with PTSD a few years ago.
I have worked hard to get past it all. Being low contact with him makes it much easier. As sisters we have discussed our experiences so we all know the extent of it.

Personally, whatever his issues were are none of my concern. That's his to sort out. Waiting for any insight from him is a waste of time
But that's OK
So. Conclusion is, I'll mute the WhatsApp group and go about my business. I can't bear the burden of her reminding as it has unsettled me so much.
Thank you all for you thoughtfulness. I dontnhave such a neutral space to examine this. So far the emphasis on sole cases was on her illness and that seemed to have more weight than my concerns. However, no one knows the true extent of what went on in our house apart from my sisters. My DM refuses to acknowledge it.

You sound like a kind thoughtful person. I would just leave the WhatsApp group myself, but muting is also fine if you feel more comfortable. Your feelings come before hers!

I had the sneaking suspicion that she wants me to tell him... which Dear Listener's I did.
His reaction?
"Oh, what a shame."
That made me terribly sad for her but also absolutely certain there was no way I'd let her have any info from me. That said, nothing to stop her tracking him down herself but that's her decision. I won't be finding out how the land lies.