Parents to young baby, ex says she wants her own life

[fizzypencils]

I was in a same sex relationship with another woman and we are both legal parents to our son. We have recently split, baby is 10 months. I am biologically his mother and carried him. I’ve done 99.9% of the parenting load so far as he’s an awful sleeper since a newborn, breastfed, really refluxy baby, extremely hard work, to this day he screams all night long, yada yada yada. This manifested into PND for me so it’s been an absolute ride, honestly to cut to the chase I was suicidal in points - or more that I wished I would just die but I’d never do that to him. Hourly wakings for 10 months with a screaming baby will do that to you. I find it difficult being apart from the baby with him being so unsettled etc. I think people automatically assume when you have a screaming baby you’ll be desperate for a break but not in this case, I’m desperate for HIM to get a break! My ex when she lived with us slept in another room as she works shifts. Made sense for her to get sleep since she has to work.

Anyway, we’ve now split as she’s apparently been “starved of attention” and spoken to like shit for the past 10 months. She ended up playing away with a work colleague and I had to figure it out for myself as she “didn’t know if she was going to tell me” as she wanted to “spare my feelings”. Truly I think the split is for the best and I don’t think the cheating is the cause of the split, I think it’s just sealed the deal for me. She says she feels useless, I won’t “let” her do anything (really, she just wanted to lie in her bed majority of the time or cherrypick when something suits her). I’ve tried to explain to her that probably a lot of dads feel similar and the feelings aren’t unique to our situation. I can’t help that I’ve had PND and possibly abnormally attached to the baby. I’ve been doing whatever I needed to to keep my head above water so I’m fairly confident I couldn’t have done anything differently. I’m genuinely fine about the split, it’s not been much of a change for me at all really apart from I don’t have expectations of maybe she’ll get up and help me today.

i had a rocket up my backside and had the house on the market within the week, alongside looking after baby, who is still not any more settled. Did all the viewings bar one which she covered, and had the cheek to ask if I could get my mum to do it as she forgot she had a lunch with new gf. Obviously I put her straight on that and she said she was just being honest like I’d asked her to be.

We’re now trying to navigate coparenting. Personally I don’t feel comfortable with her taking him as I can’t trust that she won’t have him around her new girlfriend (!) (mental, we were 3 months away from a wedding less than a month ago so thank goodness this all came out when it did). I know I’ll need to suck this up but I’m working on it. Before I knew she had cheated I actually suggested she takes him on a dog walk with her and the other woman which she very nearly did, until I found out just how much of a “friend” the other woman is!

She essentially wants to come 1/2/3 ish times a week to spend some time with him and do his bath etc. This worked well initially until she started saying she was tired and needed to get back before his bath or had washing to do etc and would I mind if she went away. So she now makes it clear when she’d like to come and what she will be doing when she comes. Or her preference would be to take him out for a few hours then bring him back and possibly a bath night in there too. I’ve been spending the majority of the time at my mum’s for help and I only come back to the house for baby to go to bed and for ex to see him. She actually had the cheek to say I’ve “barely been accommodating” because I’ve been late back to the house twice - stuck in traffic and had phoned her to tell her that.

To me this just seems like an absolute Disney parent. When I tell her how deluded she is about the work involved in looking after him and a 4 bed house, she reminds me that she “does know as she was there” and that she wants to have her own life too, which is one of her reasons for the split. Sorry but what parent going through this has their own life? Where’s my own life? She reminds me that I can go out whenever I want and she’ll come and watch him but I have no desire or fricking energy to walk around the shops or whatever, my priority is solely my little boy and the time will come where I have a bit of a life again but it’s not just now. She’ll say well I’d take him overnight if you want - how would I be able to sleep knowing he’s going to be screaming the place down as he’s never spent 1 night away from me and still breastfeeds hourly? Or she’ll say well I’d let you get a nap, I can’t just nap on command whenever she feels like helping. I’m wired to be awake which is not surprising after the ride it’s been.

I honestly feel like I’m communicating with a deluded person. Someone who wants all the glory but none of the leg work but then makes out as if they’re more than happy to do the leg work but wouldn’t even do it when they had the opportunity to do it. Now she also complains about how it’s so unfair that I get to do all these fun things with him, and she misses him so much, and is worried he’ll forget her - I’ve reminded her there’s nothing stopping her from spending every waking minute here when she’s not at work but she’d rather go for dog walks with her new gf. I’ve obviously got to be flexible with days etc as her shifts change from week to week so agreeing set days isn’t an option although it would make things simpler. It just makes me sick really at her getting to swoop in for the fun bits and wash her hands of the reality but pin it on me not “letting” her. And her family who have met him a handful of times cooing over how cute he is and having the title of granny, auntie etc. and he has no clue who they are. But that’s our fault apparently for not taking him to see them enough! There seems to be a recurring trend of no matter how much you try to be accommodating/inclusive, nothings EVER good enough.

Just having a bit of a rant really and really struggling to get anything right it seems!

Lots to unpack here but it sounds to me as though you need a break. I'm 30 years out of the game but for a 10 month baby to be feeding hourly seems a bit much, can you get some help and advice with this? Is he not on solids yet at all?
All I'm going to say is that I don't think anyone does well on that little sleep. It makes it very difficult to think clearly about everything else.

Have you sought help with your baby, because as pp says - it seems a bit unusual for a 10 month old to be breastfeeding hourly etc? Some babies are difficult and high needs, but might be worth getting him checked out thoroughly if you haven't.

I think you should start letting your ex take your son out for a couple of hours. Without the smell of milk and you available, the baby will probably accept other forms of comfort more easily and as she is a legal parent she needs to have the chance to build her relationship with him.

I know it's hard to let go, but an hour or two will be fine.

"that she wants to have her own life too, which is one of her reasons for the split. Sorry but what parent going through this has their own life?"

The dads. The dads do (if they choose).

It sounds like because you are the primary caregiver (plus the fact that you gave birth of course) you are completely bonded to the baby as its mother. So you can't imagine walking away/detaching to the extent she has. Because she has fallen into the secondary caregiver (usually the dad's role) she doesn't feel the same attachment to the baby. Its hugely unfair - the parent who can detach from the baby has all the power because they know that the other parent won't detach the same way (so someone will always do the heavy lifting) so their is always someone there to pick up the slack. There is no excuse - most decent parents wouldn't do this even if they felt like they were playing second fiddle/neglected in the early stages of parenthood. You suck it up.

But given that is what has happened, I think you need to approach this the same way a woman whose husband had checked out of the relationship. You accept they won't be the person you hoped they would be. You facilitate contact with the child (because even if they behaved badly its still better for the child to see their other parent outside of abuse), you put up with the fact their life has moved on and they are dating while you can't as easily. And you rant about that to your friends/on mumsnet basically. Is she paying child support? Do you have a coparenting plan? That would help establish some ground rules so that she can't tap out of doing stuff and then complain later that she missed out because of you. The parenting plan can take account of her shift pattern but also put some consistency in place. Otherwise she will mess you and the baby around down the line.

Not all dads obviously. But its not an unheard of tale.

Yes, we’ve tried long and hard to get to the bottom of what is causing his unsettledness - £3000 in private appointments, 2x tongue tie divisions, anti-“silent reflux” meds, switching to formula, numerous elimination diets which ultimately just made me more ill, probiotics, weekly osteopathy… you name it, we’ve tried it. Really, really exasperating and has been a massive strain on both of us in different ways - me picking up the mental and physical load of it and her working alongside dealing with me ranting about being so sleep deprived and getting nowhere with it. Currently working with a holistic sleep coach but not any further forward on that front.

I accept that she’s moved on, and honestly wouldn’t want to be back with her if she came crawling back with her tail between her legs. I’m happier on my own and nothings changed from the workload aspect. It’s more just the deceitful way she’s gone about things, the fact that I depended on her and shes kicked me whilst I’m down, etc etc etc. She argues that she was down as well (which I’m sure she was, it wasn’t and isn’t an happy time by any stretch) and it’s “about time she put herself first”. She’s picked her moment, royally, and I just struggle to get my head around how she can just choose now to be really, really selfish. It’s not about us at this point, is how I see it. But she has. It’s just really infuriating how she gets to swoop in for the good bits whilst ultimately negating herself of any “real” parenting. I think she truly believes it’s the same for me as it is for her. And ultimately no matter how hard I try to let her have as much time as she wants with him, and to not miss out on anything, she will always miss out and it’ll never be good enough. She really just wants her cake and eat it as well it seems. I feel a bit like a surrogate who has popped out a ready made family for her to swoop in and out when she feels like it and be here for the glory. Or a robot you put 50p into and they just go for days picking up whatever is put in their path.

yes, she’s paying child support.
coparenting plan - struggling with this a bit due to her shifts. She seems to have accepted that I need more clarity on what she feels like doing and when so this aspect has improved slightly. But the different days each week makes it makes it tricky. I’m thinking it might get easier when I’m back to work

I really really feel you with the screaming baby that you can't seem to help. I had this with my second child (I was in my 40's, 13 year gap and it nearly killed me). I'm going to say it because it's worth considering. My son turned out to be autistic, he was diagnosed at 3. He screamed day and night until he was 18 months and by 2.5 it had stopped. He has auditory and sensory issues and I had a noisy and busy house at the time.

My husband had an affair and left. The sudden silence, not having the TV on so loud (my ex had hearing loss and everything was loud including his voice), made a huge difference. I found that low level white noise was really impactful (hair dryer, washing machine, radio on wrong channel). I stopped trying to dress baby in outfits and stuck to plain cotton sleep suits, soft tees and joggers. Elevating the mattress at the top of his cot helped a lot with reflux. I can almost hear your PND, it is the hardest work you'll ever do dealing with a baby like this but it is unlikely to be forever. I hope you don't mind me mentioning the ASD situation but I've heard this a lot over the years so it's maybe worth considering. The other thing I did was stop breast feeding because I wasn't producing enough and it was a huge battle. Hungry baby formula really helped. I was sad about it but ultimately you both need to sleep. I really hope you find a solution soon. Our life is very peaceful now. Son is 13 and an absolute joy and "Disney dad" has disappeared. I really hope you can find a happy medium between you but be prepared in case that doesn't happen

@TheFormidableMrsC thank you for sharing your story 💗I'm so glad you have a happy life now and your son is doing well. It's nice to hear some positivity. The hellish journey since he turned 8 weeks has very nearly killed me too. I keep telling myself it won't go on forever but realistically there's only so much you can take and there's no end in sight really. He used to be like this night/day whereas since about 6mo it's only at night - specifically between 1-6am, usually. You'd think I'd be elated that he's now "good" during the day but my patience is not what it was months ago. He's very happy during day but always got to be on the go, desperate to walk, always got to be doing something, needs constant engagement/stimulation - not one to sit with a toy unless I'm sitting with him too. He's definitely very very sensitive and a very busy boy. What were the signs with your son, apart from the screaming?

I had to comment to add to what MrsC is saying.

My son was exactly the same as you described as a baby. I was exhausted and felt like I was going crazy due to lack of sleep and the relentless screaming. We are currently on the pathway to getting an autism diagnosis.

Goodness me, you've described my boy. Once he was able to do things it was a million miles an hour. He would do things to "see what happened" and that included hurting others and doing dangerous things. I was on my toes morning, noon and night. I still am to an extent.

So early signs. I was an experienced parent, my eldest was 13 so I thought I knew it all. HV even said "you're an experienced parent, he's just not the same". He wanted to be held all the time but didn't seem to like it either. He'd go stiff. Hated baths. Hated clothes. Hated sounds. Vomited profusely. That extended to toddlerhood and I learned to avoid the milk aisle in Tesco as he would projectile vomit every time. He still doesn't like the milk aisle.

He hated his head being touched so washing hair was a problem. Ended up with this angelic beautiful boy with long blonde hair that couldn't be cut or dealt with. After Dad left I realised that certain noises with the TV were triggering. I realised he had a pitch issue that I couldn't hear. It was a huge amount of working things out. Eventually, he had his 2.5 year check. The SEN specialist HV was on duty that day and I will forever be grateful to her because she almost immediately said "I'm going to refer him, I believe he's autistic". It hadn't crossed my mind! Sure enough, he was diagnosed. So today we have autism and combined type ADHD. He's medicated. I gave up everything to parent him. He's an absolute joy. Complicated but I wouldn't change him.

I didn't want my post to scare you. I just recognised so much and wanted to share. Just keep an eye and a journal. Video things too. If you do end up down this path these things will help. I know it doesn't help you right now. Please feel free to DM if you need.

Also cut labels out of his clothes. Turn his socks inside out so he doesn't have seams on his toes. Little things that are worth trying while he can't communicate discomfort. Keep big busy things off the TV, try some
white noise or toys that vibrate. A vibrating chair I was given was a game changer. The other early toddler thing was lining things up. It could be anything, lego, cars, but my house was covered in lined up things. This turned out to be significant. He still lines things up or colour codes them!

My food allergy DD was like that. I think she bf so much because she had a solid food aversion due to subconsciously associating food with pain. It sounds like you have done elimination diets though so I guess it's not that.

Your ex sounds awful. Thank goodness you have your mum for support.

@muggart ive been convinced of it being an allergy but yes, have tried every elimination diet under the sun and he doesn’t change. Also paid for allergy tests through a private paediatrician 7hr round trip away! 😵 which was added to the list of “pointless” things we’ve tried.

Yes, my mum is a star. I just have to contend with the whole “you act like he’s yours and your mum’s baby”… well, sorry, someone has to help me and someone I can depend on as I can’t be expected to do everything myself on 0 sleep!!! Exasperating, it really is

I don't mean to sound blunt
I'm going through it with my middle child he's just turned 3, he's screamed relentlessly since 6 months. He still does now. He's on the autism pathway. If she doesn't want to be a parent leave her to it. Your child doesn't need an interrupted routine She isn't biologically related to him, she hasn't really been a parent. Is there anyway you can remove parental responsibility?

I was thinking the same thing... she's more like an ex-step parent at this point. I know the law says otherwise but in reality what is the difference?

Although I'm sure if the OP suggests she gives up parental responsibility it will be used against her.

@morphlerana it seems she does want to be a parent but just wants the good bits and not the life that most parents have, ie. nothings about you anymore, constantly caring for small child etc. which to me isn’t really being a parent at all then but she seems to think it’s fine to cherrypick parenting tasks depending on her schedule and desires at the time.
It’s like banging your head off a brick wall really as she thinks I’m mental and she doesn’t know any other parent who doesn’t have their own life as well. So we both have very differing views on what a parent is/does.
my little boy’s screaming definitely seems pain related. He’ll doze back off then wake screaming suddenly as if he’s just been jabbed or had a rocket up his backside! I just don’t know the source of it. He’s very happy during the day. Very sociable and busy!
as for removing parental responsibility I think this can be done in rare circumstances provided both parents are on board etc. she definitely would not be

if it's only at night could it be night terrors?

@muggart it’s been going on since 7.5 weeks, which the gp said is too young for night terrors. The presentation/timing is the same, just he’s much bigger and stronger now!