I separated from ex DH around 8 months ago. We've tried to keep things amicable for our dc (both teens). I pushed for the separation after years of marital problems. We had a lot of different life stressors outside of our relationship which also added to it. For the last few years I would say that DH had totally checked out of the marriage and was angry, passive aggressive, cold and contemptuous towards me. He was also anxious and depressed. He could however be nice at times, and always has been a loving father to the dc.
Since we've separated, I've felt much happier and like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. The dc seem ok with the separation (DH lives locally and they still see him a lot). It feels so nice to have my own space. One of the recurrent arguments between ex DH and I was about housework - he never did any. As far as I know, he barely does any housework in the house he's living in now, and it's very messy and dirty.
I've started seeing another guy - I actually met him a year ago, and we started off as just friends, but a few months ago went on a proper date and realised we liked each other! I feel really attracted to him, and he feels the same. It's been fairly casual so far as I want to take things slowly.
Ex dh and I had to take our dd out somewhere a few days ago, which involved us dropping her off then spending a few hours in a cafe while we waited for her to finish the activity. It was the first time ex DH and I had had a chance to really talk since our separation. We were both honest and open and both apologised to each other about how we been, especially in the latter years of our marriage. He apologised for being angry, and I apologised as I feel that I didn't listen to him enough and felt overwhelmed by his mental health struggles. We both said that even if we leave the area we are in, we would always want to live near each other as that would be good for the dc.
We ended up going on a walk, chatting about quite deep topics and also having a laugh. It felt like old times before things went wrong in our marriage! At the end of the day we said goodbye, looked at each other, and I felt it was almost a bit awkward, and the day had stirred up feelings for us both. I know that I will always care for him, but I don't know if I still love him or if I was just feeling nostalgia.
Now I feel really confused. The new guy I am seeing is really nice, but obviously it's early days with him. He's never been married or had dc, so his mindset is quite different. Although in one way I had been thinking that it was positive, as there wouldn't be the complication of exes or step children. He is quite a go getter and we have simulating conversations. My ex on the other hand has described himself as "plodding", but is dependable, loyal and kind, although has always struggled with his mental health.
I just feel really torn. I really got the feeling that my ex would be willing to give things another go with us. I knew I still cared very much for him, I thought it was in a kind of brotherly way, but now I just feel confused. I know the dc would be so happy if we were together again. It would make things so much easier in a way to still be all together as a family unit. But I just don't know if I could ever live with him again, and also I feel so bruised by how angry he was for years. It's like I feel we get on better when we are out of the house and can just relax and talk, but as soon as you add in living together, work and responsibilities, I can see that things might go downhill again.
I don't know what I'm asking really, maybe if anyone else had a similar situation with their ex and can relate? Or any thoughts from anyone else would be welcome too!