Are you divorced after a 20+ yr marriage?

[Globules]

If so, please tell me I'm normal!

I walked past a church today with a newly married couple coming out.

My eyes started leaking as I reflected on me this time 25 yrs ago. I was so optimistic about the future, knowing I was going to marry the love of my life in a fortnight. I had a moment of grief for what should have been with my now ex husband of 20 yrs.

I'm 3 yrs divorced. The moment happened while I was out on a walk with my lovely man of 2 yrs. I really do not want my ex back and am past him.

But this moment took my breath away as I reflected on where XH and I thought we'd be on our 25th wedding anniversary. Where we thought our children would be. What we'd be doing and what our lives should look like. Heck, I even had a moment missing the cheating bastard.

It feels like a moment of grief for my marriage rather than XH. My eyes are surprisingly leaking again typing this.

Anyone else get these moments that surprise?

Yes, I do.

My marriage was the most stressful thing ever, and I am just so relieved that it is over. But sometimes I get Facebook memories of a day out etc, and I just feel heartbroken for the optimism I had. I was so determined I could make it work.

I wouldn't go back in a million years, and he left me traumatised, but I still grieve the life I thought I was going to have.

Yes.
I love DP, I couldn't stay married but its a huge regret in my life that my marriage broke down.

Yup me too. I keep crying thinking of growing old alone. But I'd never take him back. He has hurt me beyond measure.

Yes. Every 24 June. We were married 30 years but he came out as gay after being in a secret sexual relationship for six years. All the dreams for our retirement up in smoke and the family destroyed.

Yes, divorced in 2011 after 15 years together. I still feel sad on what would have been our wedding anniversary every year.

Yes! I had the same feelings this week on what would have been my 25th wedding anniversary. Thank you for posting this as I thought it was me being weird. I think I just feel the grief of a long marriage and four children together and we failed. There was no way I could have stayed married and I am so much happier but I didn’t think it would be me after nearly 20 years together. I get what you are saying completely. ❤

With him for 22 year when I left. From the age of 17. We had some verrrry big arguments after. He had been a silly boy over the years...I met someone else...he did too...she was an utter cow and threw him out...then we became amicable. Helped him view his caravan which he bought for him and the kids...he was so happy. He fell down the stairs and died on impact 3 months later. He was 53. I had 3 kids to help navigate aged 23 17 and 13. And I was an absolute fkn mess! I remember feeling so angry about it..Compounded by the fact the soft knobber still left everything in my name. Granted he knew the kids would be treated fairly if it came to me and they got the lot. I'm due to get married this year but I still shed a tear on those down days when I may hear a song and the memories hit me.

Ladies, you've made me feel I'm normal. Thank you. I appreciate it.

@matilda60 I'm also glad my post has helped you too. My 25th anniversary will be coming up in the next fortnight. I expect to have similar feelings following today's shock.

I remember sitting with XH in a very posh restaurant "celebrating" our 20th wedding anniversary thinking that we're not going to make it to our 25th, you cheating bastard. The 25th is now here and I'm sad that I was right.

Yes completely normal. I'm very happily in a new relationship, engaged! but seeing 50th anniversaries make me wonder how I'm not thinking about this (well not now but in 20 years)

I think it might be an aspect of divorce noone talks about.
Also when you miss the good parts of your ex. 😥

I'm about to be divorced just a few months after what would have been my silver wedding anniversary.

I'm sad for all the years I did not know I was wasting with him. My childhood was horrific which meant I did not know how awesome I was and let him think he was the bees knees and knew better than me. He took advantage of my shitty childhood and has admitted he has benefitted from it. Not a bad man. Just an inadequate one. But he did and said really really really really bad stuff. Hence the divorce.

I saw a couple in the field holding hands and thought I'll never have that again but then I realised I'm better alone than with the dickhead I married.

Married for 25 years, together for 30. Separated in 2016. I can still shed a tear too, even though the last decade was very difficult. Grief for what might have been had his mid-life crisis not impacted the whole family and made me end it. Grief for my now adult children who lost a father and a lot more too.

That is part of today's grief. The idolised father my children have lost.

My STBEH has turned into the shittest pathetic selfish father that I never would have expected..

Missing the good parts of your ex... there's a reason we found them attractive enough to marry, eh @CassieMaddox ?

Why do they turn into unrecognisable human beings post separation @BirthdayRainbow ? I'm sorry to hear your X has turned into that person. I know I no longer recognise XH. He's not the great man he once was.

I think we tend to over romanticise everything. The happy ever after story is the one we all dream of but the reality is that you only have a 50/50 chance of getting it!

I would see 20 plus years as an achievement nowadays.

I would see 20 plus years as an achievement nowadays.

This is a positive spin on it. It is an achievement. My marriage has collapsed and I get a pang of envy when I see older couples holding hands and who appear really close in spite of years of marriage. I look at young people and envy their naivety and can be rather cynical. Maybe, I need to spin it around and look at what I have had. I think there is a fear of never having this again. I could well be right. If it ever does come my way again, I won't take it for granted. Love is like this really elusive thing and we all know you can't buy it.

Another one here who felt/feels the same! Divorced in 2015 after 20 years of marriage, 21.5 years together, 3 children. He got remarried two days before what would have been our 25th wedding anniversary which really hurt at the time even though I was with a lovely man at that point. When clearing out some boxes the other week I found our wedding album which made me emotional for the lost relationship but we had three amazing children who have grown into even more amazing adult so obviously something was right somewhere!

My lovely man died in Nov 2022 and i do feel very lonely sometimes and slightly envious of couples who are holding hands, talking, laughing together etc but cannot see me ever being in that situation again. So I got a dog instead

You can’t beat a Dog ! 🐶

No idea. I've changed but I've changed in a positive way and my dc still come first. He's acting like a single child free bloke.

I don't see it as an achievement that my relationship of over 27 years is over. It was supposed to be forever.