Friend has been raped - what to say

[FridayForever]

A friend of mine, who I am not v v close to, but see every few months, told me today about a horrible experience she had a few months ago. She doesn't need practical support - she has family and closer friends (geographically and emotionally) for that, and it seems like it's all in hand, but I just don't want to put my foot in it and say the wrong thing.
I'm thinking of sending her a card, just to say I'm thinking of her, but I don't really know what to say in it.
I am so angry at the man who did this to her.

Has anyone got any advice for what to say, or more importantly not to say, just so she knows I am always here if I can do anything, and that I am so, so sorry.

"just so she knows I am always here if I can do anything, and that I am so, so sorry."

Say exactly that. That you are always here if she needs anything and that you are so so sorry.

Poor woman.

I-think just believing her and listening is massive. It’s a long uphill road to healing from rape. Sadly I know. Thanks for being a sweet friend x

Listen to her and believe in her. You may also want to show her contact details for the Rape Crisis organisation.

Would she like to come and visit you? Would she enjoy having you visit/go for a coffee or meal/walk the dog(s) together? Then you could provide a listening ear in person.
I have recently gone through a tough time and many people have made an extra effort to contact me which has been very nice.
Being a bit perverse/awkward, I don't always want to talk about my trauma - sometimes it's nice to have a break from thinking about it.

It's great that you are thinking of your friend. Working in this general area (legal side), many people don't realize the huge impact such crimes have on their broader family, friends, etc.

There is some generic but valuable advice here. https://centerforsurvivors.msu.edu/education-resources/sexual-violence-educational-information/how-to-be-supportive.html

If you google "secondary survivor" (a term I find a bit odd) you'll find a lot more resources.

Believe her. Don't judge her. Don't make assumptions about what will or won't be difficult for her. That's enough.

A card might feel weird to receive, because she's not likely to want to display a "sorry you were raped" card. (I know you wouldn't write that, but if she displayed it that's what it would symbolise.)

Don't send her a card. Being raped isn't something you get a card for. Why not ask her if she would like to go for a walk/coffee/cosy night in etc? Or if she doesnt want to now make sure the offer is there for whenever she wants to.

I am always here if I can do anything, and that I am so, so sorry.

I would just say that in a text. And then show you mean it through your actions and continuing to be a good friend.

Thanks everyone, this is all really helpful stuff and good suggestions.
I won't send a card or flowers or whatever, its just horrible feeling so powerless in the face of something so awful. It's not like a card etc changes that I know.

@FridayForever Firstly, (working in legal) I'm not a therapist or qualified to speak in this area, but I was thinking about your post again.

One more thought on this topic is that fact she told you this is possibly significant. I've known people who find it too difficult to discuss topics with immediate partners or family, but have been more open with friends. She might want to speak with you (or might not!), but be there for her. It really seems like you are!

Also, you mention it is "all in hand". Just a word of caution on that. If reported and she is working through the legal system, than can be a really tough time for your friend.

Finally, one more note. Is the offender still in her life? If it is not a stranger (who is not a part of their work/social/area), then there are all kinds of additional stresses and worries your friend will have in her life.

Thank you for getting back to me again.

Apparently the police are involved, so it's at some stage through the legal process. I don't think she will be seeing him at all ever again (they had a business relationship rather than a personal one, so very definitely severed) so hopefully that's as good as it can be in terms of protecting her from more trauma.

I will bear in mind that she might want someone more removed to talk to - and will make sure I am available to her if needed. Thanks.