Easier to stay in marriage than leave

[Zofloralover1]

Not quite sure what response that I’m expecting back, I guess I’m hoping that I’m not alone or that there is light at the end of the tunnel but here goes..

Me and my husband have just celebrated our one year wedding anniversary together. We have only been together just over two years so it’s fair to say we rushed the relationship. We have a 15 month old daughter together and we each have a son from a past relationship. We have been through a lot of shit together and I have done him wrong in the past which he chose to stay and make it work and we’ve overcome a lot. I have changed a lot as a person for the better but by rights with everything that’s happened and been said between us, we shouldn’t be together. Anywho recently I just don’t feel a lot of love for him anymore, I’d even go as far as saying it isn’t working.. I don’t like who he is a person, he can be so narcissistic, manipulative, and just downright nasty.. he’s the sort of person that doesn’t care about spiting his kids or family as long as he’s hurting the person he’s intending to. It’s easier for me to stay with him even though I’m not happy and it’s hard to be with him, it’s easier than leaving and putting up with what he’d be like if I was to leave. I just feel so stuck and trapped I guess, there’s so many things I’m fed up of, such as being the one who gets left to do majority of the parenting for my son from a previous relationship and our daughter. He’s more than happy to discipline my son but never wants to spend time with him or take him out or do anything specifically for him.. for example he took his son to a bike track the other week knowing we also have my son at the same time, my son can’t ride a bike so it’s not something that he can join in with, and our daughter clearly can’t either because she’s 1. In my eyes he could of done that on a weekend we didn’t have my son. He never takes our daughter out or does anything with her either. Back to what I was saying, he’ll happily parent his son and do everything he needs to for him but I get left to sort my son and our daughter by myself. I just don’t know where to turn or what to do to make this situation better. I’ve spoke to my husband about the issues with the children and housework etc before but it just turns into arguments and nothing changes

It’s NOT at all easier to stay in such a marriage because you and the kids who he chooses to be his scapegoats will be further harmed by him. How can you be helped into leaving this man?. What are you getting out of this relationship?. It may feel easier for you to stay but this whole staying for the sake of the kids really does not stand up to scrutiny.

Staying also for the sake of the kids is a terrible idea and one that will come back to bite you on the arse big time. Would you want your kids to have a marriage/ relationship like this?, no you would not but currently you’re showing them this crap treatment and otherwise scapegoating is acceptable to you.

I completely get what you’re saying but if I was to leave he would be so bitter and horrible. He’d make my life hell, he’d take everything he brought or bought to my house regardless of it being the kids stuff and I’d be left with nothing, I don’t have the money to start from scratch to be able to afford beds etc. He knows things about me that could ruin my life, potentially make me lose my house

Will your kids be happier in - or away from - a place where their 'parents' don't get on, and their dad / step-dad has no time for them? Yup, leaving is never easy, but unless something (probably more than one thing) changes, the fact that you're writing this at all means you know it's over, it's just a matter of when. Guess you probably also feel some sort of debt to him because you did him wrong in the past? Worst reason to stay....

If you don't even like him, you just need to get your ducks in a row, and move on.

One thing you're right about - it's not the easy option, for sure. But often the easy routes won't take you where you need to go.

I would say you need to leave this marriage for the sake of your son. He has no one else to stand his corner but you. Your daughter is too young to understand what's going on. However older children do understand unfairness. He is not a great husband and it's probably going to get worse. I would seek help to get out. Women's Aid is one option to seek advice and support . Your Health Visitor might point to some local charities

If you can leave, please do so. I am currently trapped in an awful marriage until I can find a job that pays more and I pass my probation. I have zero support and it’s going to be hell, so I at least need to make sure I will have enough income to put a roof over my son’s head and food on the table.

He’s already making your life hell and he is ultimately not the boss nor jailer of you. You certainly need a solicitor who is well versed in the ways of abusive men. Saving money etc takes time and the longer you remain with him the harder it will feel to actually leave. If you cannot do it for you do this for the sake of your son who is being scapegoated.

Luckily my son doesn’t realise what my husband is like, otherwise I would get up and leave.. one thing that holds me back is if I left this marriage, he would take everything he brought or bought to this house including things he knows I need such as the children’s beds etc, I can’t afford to replace this as quick as I need them. I’m a stay at home mum

Your son sees your reactions, both spoken and unspoken to his father. Don’t kid yourself he is unaware.

coercive control is a crime and your fear of your h and what he could do is stopping you. Legal advice is something you absolutely need here re divorce and I would also
look into obtaining a non molestation order

Beds, toys and and material things can be replaced. What can’t be replaced is the emotional and mental wellbeing of your kids. See what you are entitled to on universal credit and get out of there.

also, if your son doesnt realise now (which I seriously doubt unless he is very very young indeed) he absolutely will soon enough. Youre kidding yourself if you think otherwise.

OP you will find lots of furniture either for free or very cheap on places like marketplace / eBay etc, plus I’m sure people would be happy to help you.

I’m sure we have a spare bed laying around which I’d gladly give you in order to help you.

Please don’t stay in an unhappy life and please for the sake of your son get this horrible man away from him as soon as you can