Finances!

[LSA102]

I've been with my partner for ~12 years, 2 kids, married 18months & own a house together. We have a joint account which we put a % of our income into each month to cover mortgage and bills - although with recent costs it doesn't always cover it. We have a good combined income (~£170k ~50:50 split) and rent a room out to bring a bit more in.

Yet our finances are always in a mess! ~10yrs ago he told me he had built up £40k of cc debt. I was obviously annoyed, but we agreed to add it to the mortgage to pay it off. A few years ago his credit cards built up again - although we'd had work done on the house so it was understandable and we extended the mortgage again to cover it. At the time we agreed he would limit to 1 credit card and reduce the limit on it to help keep on top of it.

Since then it turns out he has £20k of debt built up - although doesnt know (/won't tell me) the exact amount - and i've just seen a letter for a different credit card so he's got a second one (at least?!) without telling me! He gets really defensive when I ask him about it. I've suggested we speak to a financial advisor and we go fully joint/transparent on all of our finances but he gets moody and won't talk about it. I don't know what to do?!!

Our mortgage is due for renewal soon and we won't be able to afford the increase, so we've put our house on the market to find something cheaper. (Mortgage is currently £2,500k/month)

I honestly trust he isn't wasting money- rarely goes out, no suspicions of gambling or any other money drains, never buys himself clothes etc. I think he is genuinely paying bills on them but lets them build up without mentioning it to not worry me so I don't know how bad the situation is until it's become an issue. I have no spare cash each month after paying for all the kids clothes/clubs/school trips/lunches etc from my account - to the extent where I often have £10 to last me the final week before payday so it's not like I have money spare/in savings etc while he's paying for everything.

He's quite proud / doesn't like anyone to know he's struggling. He likes to get the round in and be seen to be paying our way. The only time I think he's poor with money is Christmas / birthdays where he leaves it to the last minute then goes and buys too many presents for family that cost more than they need to (whereas I shop for bargains in the run up). Last Christmas I got really frustrated as I opened the 3rd White Company gift set (lovely presents, not ungrateful, but I knew we couldn't/shouldn't be spending that much on things we don't need!)

How do I approach this? Any tips for how to manage it? We don't live an extravagant lifestyle - we really should have more money than we do! We can't even afford a week's camping in this country this summer... :-/

Honestly I'd tell him that unless he's going to allow a financial planner or forensic accountant to go over the accounts it would be over. That money is going somewhere and it's not just on White Company gift sets!

It might be harsh but I've been nearly bankrupted by a man before (now thankfully my ex!) and my crossable line for this stuff is very near and very thin nowadays. No man would ever put me in a position where I'm struggling to pay the mortgage and have to give up my house!

Never risk your home by adding credit card debt to your mortgage

Agree he needs to be transparent or it’s over. You are lucky that you don’t necessarily need to financially depend on him after all this time. The real issue here imo is that you aren’t really partners in the true sense- he’s not open or honest with you and you are living a life with someone on terms you don’t agree with. I hate to say it but I think you’ve got some big issues here to sort out- he is obviously spending money on something. I’d be insisting on total absolute transparency with me, several sit down discussions and everything going into a spreadsheet so we can tackle it as a team and improve the financial outlook, and then seeing a financial advisor, or it’s over.. the real deal breaker is the trust which is currently missing and you have no explanation. It’s not really about the money. It’s about trust and partnership. Currently you have neither. Wishing you the best of luck x

He’s lying to you. If I was building up debt just on normal, everyday expenditure I’d have absolutely no issue with sitting down with DH with all my statements and working out where we needed to make cutbacks and how to pay everything down. Thats what I’d want to do. Refusing to show you where the money is going means he doesn’t want you to find out. I’d make it an ultimatum: you sit down and go though the finances of it’s divorce because he’s a liability putting your home at risk.

You also need to buck up and get more financially savvy about your own household finances. “I think he is genuinely paying bills on them” makes it sound as though you have no actual idea what your total bills and essential outgoings are and whether what comes in each month salary wise is enough to cover them without credit cards. You can’t stick your head in the sand.

You need to sit down and work out where the money is going. Your income is around 10k per month take home so you'd still have 7.5k for bills pension food fuel childcare etc after mortgage which is masses. You shouldn't need to use a cc at all!

I don't see why you wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on your salary?

Oh and don't add any more debt to your mortgage. You'll end up paying so much more. Have a look at money saving expert and how to snowball- which debts to pay off in which order. Is it possible to txf the balance to a 0% credit card?

He's at it. He knows where the money is going. It's either gambling or hookers or only fans etc. It's going somewhere.

Tell him it's unacceptable that his bad planning is resulting in you having to move house. He fesses up and shows you everything or your leaving him.

You can't allow him to potentially gamble away the roof over your head.

He clearly needs help. I couldn't live like that. I'd be worried out if my mind.

Returning to say I’m not understanding why what you put into the joint account each month is no longer covering costs and why you think he’s paying household bills with the credit card. Mortgage and bills are pretty fixed, they don’t change drastically from month to month, you know that they add up to e.g. £5,000 so you each have to put £2,500 in every month. It shouldn’t be a surprise amount leaving you with a shortfall. You then know the bills are paid because you see the direct debits going out: why would he pay the bills again with his credit card?

Honestly, it sounds like there’s some financial abuse going on here, if he’s leading you to believe that despite money being put into the joint account every month for the bills, it’s not enough and leaving you with all the children’s expenses to cover from your own account whilst he accrues debt. Do you have a good friend you could confide in?

He’s lying to you.

I'm sorry but I got a bit miffed when you said your combined income is 170k and you're left with 10 quid at the end of the month......
What on earth is all of your money going on???
You need to get all of your affairs in order and have a come to Jesus conversation with him about his use of credit and your joint finances.
His money is going somewhere.........

He is lying to you. Big time.

He is hiding something from you OP, any normal couple would happily go through bank statements but there’s something that he is not being honest about.

You say partners ? If you're not married I would separate your finances as much as you can and make sure if you're buying a house again together that it's as tenants in common.

I don't understand how you can't afford to add £20k to your mortgage as it must be a relatively small percentage and your monthly income must be well over £8k, but it's a good thing as it's going to force you to address the issue.

You say he's not wasting money, but he's run up tens of thousands of pounds of debt three times despite having loads left over each month after mortgage payments.

You need to work out where your money is going. Look at all your statements, it's all there in black and white and you can download a year's worth of transactions into a spreadsheet and categorise them to work this out.

If you both earn £85k, have student loans and (generously) pay 10% into your pensions, that's £8k take home. Deduct the £2.5k mortgage leaves £5.5k. Say food and bills takes it down to £4k, being generous, where does the rest go?

Unless you're paying for pre-school childcare costs, you're spending thousands a month on what?

Have a look at Moneysaving Expert and do everything that is relevant. If your DH is spending money on crap, you either need to treat him like a child and give him an allowance that he can spend on a 'when it's gone, it's gone until next month' basis, or it's probably over between you because he'll keep doing this until you lose your mortgaged home and are back in insecure, overpriced rented, which is ridiculous for a family with a decent income that's already been able to buy.

Have a look at:

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/money-help/

Our heating is oil, which does vary a lot and has been costing ~£500/month through the winter which we haven't covered by the joint account (we live in a really energy inefficient house which is partly why we need to move). And food shopping tends to come from his account. But agree, other bills should be the same :-/

It's not adding £20k we couldn't afford, but the interest rates. We're currently fixed at a really low rate ~1.5% and when we looked it up based on latest rates look like it could increase monthly payments by £1k.

But as has been laid out above, we should still be able to cover that with our income. We don't have student loans or pre-school childcare costs, just the odd afterschool club and holiday care. He has a company car so no costs there, and we both have work phones so no costs there. I don't understand it!

I will sit down and go through it all and give him an ultimatum. We can't go on as we are! I've been burying my head in the sand for too long!

We got married 18m ago

😞

You 100% need to sit down and work out where all your money is going. Yes, you e got a hefty mortgage, but on your joint income with no nurseries fees etc you should definitely be able to afford your outgoings, even with the oil heating.

Wake up OP how on earth is it possible to have no money with that joint income and renting a room out?
Mortgage is high but not in comparison to your income eland next to no childcare costs.
Yet repeatedly running up debt and not even being able to afford a weeks camping. Surely you can't be falling for this just being down to bad management and price increases?
Get a grip! If the joint income is equally split then why are you allowing him to get you into such a mess when you should be enjoying a very comfortable life with a nice lump of savings in the bank.
The money is clearly going somewhere

Money Saving Expert use a Statement of Affairs which is part where are we now, and how much debt do we have, and part budget planner.

it is often used on the debt free wannabe board, and is a great starting point .

you should have so much money left over on your salaries

and we use the SoA and have monthly finance meetings in our house, and we both know where every penny has been spent or saved

@LSA102 seriously, you need to take the blinkers off!!! He is lying to you, and either has a gambling problem or some other secret where his money is going. How can he possibly be racking up all this debt and you not know what it’s going on? I wouldn’t be adding anymore debt to the house and I wouldn’t even be buying another house with him to be honest. I would also be asking to see his credit card statement over the last few years and if he refuses then it would just be over. You have a joint income of 170k so how can finances even be an issue, I’m genuinely confused! Some people on minimum wage aren’t even in this mess?

You are being financially abused by him.
The wise thing would be to end this marriage quickly and sell the house, totally separating your finances.
He keeps all HIS debt and pays it off from his share of the house.
Men like him do NOT change.
This is your life forever if you do not take action.
He is a liar who is financially abusing you.
Get on to Women's aid for advice and support.

You are too trusting.

How much are you each putting in? Presumably the same if you earn the same?

All bills should come out of a joint account in situations like this including food and nursery fees etc.

You should have your wages paid into that and then have say £600 each to do as you please. I just can’t get my head around not being able to manage on £8k plus a month.

I also think you are being financially abused.

Each time HIS debt is adde to the mortgage it reduces your equity.

He is spending, you are paying.

From what you've said about his personality I would say it's probably not gambling or onlyfans it's probably that he likes being a Billy Big Bollocks and splashing the cash.

Not much fun if you can't even afford a holiday.