No support - funeral

[anicecuppateaa]

I have a family funeral to attend next week. It’s the first funeral since my own young dc’s funeral and I am not keen on going but I am expected to be there.

The funeral is 3 hours from home, and starts at 9am. We have no childcare options so as it stands I am going alone - everyone in hometown I know is either on holiday or will be at the funeral, and due to the time we’ll need to leave, can’t drop them off with local friends.

The only option is to ask DH’s family - but he won’t. He is worried they will say no and that will damage my relationship with them (they live 3 hours in the opposite direction and won’t want to stay the night before).

I know I will find the funeral very triggering and don’t want to go alone. Would you insist he asks? As a grandparent living far away, would you come and help in these circumstances?

There is no way my parents or my in laws wouldn’t step up for this.

Bring the kid/s. There is nothing wrong with learning about the circle of life and they will be welcomed with open arms by the other funeral guests.

So sorry for your loss

If it feels too much for you emotionally then I think you should have the right not to go and to have your decision respected.

I think they probably know it all too well if they lost a sibling.

Depending whose funeral it is and how close a relative, I might skip it, OP. Just because you're expected, doesn't mean you have to go.

I'm sorry for your loss.

If you don't want to go, don't go, OP. If you're OK with going bar the childcare issue, I would just bring the children with you if there's no straightforward way of having them looked after by someone else without a lot of extra faff.

How close to you is the deceased person?

If not a parent then I wouldn't go nor would i feel able to in your circumstances, far too triggering. And the journey, and the timing, and the kids.

Can your DH go and represent you? The family will surely understand due to your own loss. If they dont, that's even more of a reason not to go.

You could always visit the family at a later date, which I always think is more appreciated as people move on and the bereaved are often left to themselves.

I am so very sorry for your loss

Don't go. I don't quite know what is meant by 'you're expected to be there' but you need to draw a boundary and to hell with 'expectations'.

Don’t feel pressured to go if you don’t feel emotionally able to, anyone who judges that can do one as far as I’m concerned.

I didn’t attend my step grandmothers funeral because it was at the same crematorium very soon after my mum’s, neither me or my dad attended, people understood the circumstances.

Will the funeral be streamed? Many are these days from crems and churches. Is tha5 an option?
Do what is right for you.

I am a grandmother and I absolutely would step in. It's called being a decent human being.

Funeral services are generally streamed online now so that could be an option.

thanks everyone. I am fuming that DH hasn’t asked his parents as it would be much easier to cope if he were there with me.

It is actually being streamed so that is an option, but to be honest, I don’t want to attend at all. I have carefully put the details of dd’s death and the traumatic things that happened at the time (including the funeral) into a box, and I know this will bring up memories that I don’t want to relive.

I don’t want to take dc (they are all pre school age) and I think would be frowned upon by older people there.

Person in question is my last grandparent. We were quite close and lived with her (as a family) when I was a teen. I don’t think she would approve at all of me not being there!

On the contrary. If she loved you, she would understand.

You've been through so much and I'm so very sorry.

Your grandmother and you were close previously. I'm sure she loved you very much. And that's why I'm sure she would be upset to think of you having this to worry about and cause anxiety (especially around something so understandably triggering for you) on top of everything else you've been dealing with.

Don't you think that she would want you to attend the stream to show your respects and have some quiet, reflective time alone somewhere convenient and calm for you, to honour her memory by thinking of nice times you had together?

I'm sure she would tell you to be gentle with yourself and not put yourself through something stressful and traumatic rather than the alternative which still honours her memory, without the additional factors you've mentioned

I don't think you should go.

I have lost a child as well so I understand.

Also if anyone didn't come to my funeral because they had lost a child and would find it triggering I would absolutely understand. Even if it was a best friend or closest family member that didn't come to my funeral.
So I really think your grandparent would understand. Also, knowing what it's like to lose a child I think you need to prioritise yourself and your children over absolutely everyone else.

Do your own thing like buy a memorial tree for her or light a candle for your grandparent if you feel you want to do something. Or don't do anything.
Funerals aren't really for the dead person who won't know anything about it. They are for living people who need to say goodbye/ want to show their respects.
You don't need to go.

Yes I would be v pissed if my DH said that. If his reason was that he didn’t want you to go that would be fair enough. But this is a circumstance where any decent relative wound step in.

I would happily look after a neighbour’s kids to help them attend a funeral.

You poor woman.
Your grandmother would absolutely NOT want you to go.
Funerals are very very hard when you have lost someone, not to mind a child.
Watch it streamed and take no shit from ANYONE on that score.
I think your husband is wrong but if you are not fond of his parents, avoid them.
The fact that he suspects they wouldn't help says it all.
Put YOURSELF first.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

Honestly, dont go. Sounds like youre not in the right head space following your own DCs funeral xx

A little update on the relationship front. It turns out DH did ask his dad and stepmum and they said no. I genuinely think I can’t forgive their selfishness and lack of support. Is this an acceptable reason to go NC with them? I feel sad for DH though.

I appreciate all the comments above. I now feel much better about not going if that’s where I end up.

I would simply take the children, your dh can take them outside for the 20 minutes if they won't sit still but you might be surprised just how young children don't take their cues from the adults. I attend a lot, occupational hazard, and never have preschool children been an issue, and I've bounced many a baby on my knee in my office for 20 minutes for a family, note not all churches have staff though!

Should say do take cues ! Anyway does it matter if a child speaks, of course not, they are part of the family. If your parents want you there you are a package deal. I completely understand that you don't want to go alone and you shouldn't have to passed on old fashioned ideas of not bringing children

My in-laws flew in from overseas to look after baby DS when it was my sister's funeral. It was very much appreciated. Your in-laws sound very unsupportive. I feel for you and your DH, that must be very upsetting.

I think you should just send a sympathy card with your apologies it sounds too much .

@Soozikinzii I don’t think that is appropriate. I would be sending it to my mum who I speak to multiple times a week and have seen twice since the death. It would feel unnatural to send a card, but appreciate the sentiment that it’s too much.

I just want to validate your feelings here.

You are not overreacting.

Them refusing to help would be unkind or thoughtless usually.

Refusing considering what you've been through with your own child is in my opinion something I simply couldn't move past.

It's cruel.

You've been through so much and as you have probably found already, grief often gives us a new perspective on who we do and don't let into our lives further as you realise life is simply too short for toxic people to be in our orbit.

I wouldn't blame you at all for going NC. I would also feel (though I appreciate it's difficult for him too) let down that he lied by not telling you he had asked them already. I can't imagine how cruel they are that he presumably told them if they didn't help, you couldn't go, and they still said no.

What is his opinion on this? Is he not furious with them? Has he told them their decision is selfish and unkind?

Not something I could forgive or move past.

I'm very sorry for your losses

I wouldn't rush into any big declaration of NC, I would simply avoid them for as long as suits you.
Your husband has asked, he could do no more than that.
It is not unreasonable for you to say to him, visit them on your own, I am not interested.
YOU are entitled to that.
Family to me lost a young child and the re opening of the family grave for her father 5 years later was so painful and put them back.
What you are going through is absolute hell.
Please do NOT put yourself through a funeral when you do not feel up to it.
Think of yourself and your other children and about doing what is best for you.
Your loving grandmother would want no less for you. Mind yourself.