Feel sad and degraded

[Itsmybodytoo]

Hi,

This is long so I apologise in advance. I suppose I just need some perspective as I feel a bit in the weeds about this but please be gentle, I feel I've been on the verge of a panic attack all day.

Dh and I are in our 30s, two small DCs and have been married almost ten years.

Yesterday the kids were shattered and we were deciding on a quick dinner and bedtime. We do this together every evening. I said after bedtime we could have some peace and a glass of wine and husband said "and sex?" And I said the likelihood of that increases with a glass of wine, joking. And then he turned totally serious and said actually no, because you have one glass of wine and you fall asleep so I'm not giving you what you want (wine) because I won't get what I want (sex).

I was totally taken back. The dots of what he had just said hit me like a tonne of bricks.

1. for apparently withholding something as punishment because I don't perform and
2. because it feels like now if I have a glass of wine he feels he's onto a "sure thing"

I said I fall asleep because I'm so tired, I'm running after the kids all day every day, I have one glass of wine on a Friday OR Saturday and that's it but I do look forward to it. I told him his comment had made me feel grubby and I could tell he knew what he said and tried to apologize but the horse has bolted.

I'm still upset today, I still feel quite degraded by the whole thing and while I'm being normal for the kids I'm dreading having to hash it out again after bedtime.

Also last weekend I'd had my glass of wine and he kept pushing for sex even though I wasn't really keen but did it anyway. During foreplay he pushed inside of me several times but I kept saying no/stop/get a condom and he kept going for a few thrusts before he went to get a condom. One of the kids woke up then so that was the end of it but after yesterday's comment and then that behaviour... Am I just a body to him? Does he expect me to just hand myself over when the day is done to do with as he pleases? I've had rough pregnancies and traumatic deliveries so he knows I don't want to be pregnant ever again.

Some background: for the last four summers I have either been pregnant, trying to be pregnant, postpartum or had a newborn to care for. On top of that, I finally have my mental health in order and am generally feeling quite good about myself. I also didn't drink for several years because I felt I was drinking to make myself unwind/feel better so this really is the first time in years when I've felt good in myself, in my head and can enjoy a single glass of wine without wanting to be drunk.

On the whole, our marriage is quite good usually. We're good friends, he's a good dad, equal partner but I feel like he doesn't respect me how he should. I feel very unsure about what's happened between us now and wonder if I'm blowing it out of proportion.

Am I?

Do you actually want to have sex with him?

You having a relaxing evening and enjoying a glass of wine is your shout. He can join you, or not. His call. But to link the two together and prevent you having a relaxing evening in case you fall asleep and don’t want sex?! He can fuck off.

Rock solid permanent contraception -- he has a vasectomy, for preference, as a smaller procedure, and a very frank conversation about when 'no' is 'no', and why pulling his weight as a parent so that you are less tired at night is the sole route you will ever contemplate having sex with him again, if and when you feel like it.

During foreplay he pushed inside of me several times but I kept saying no/stop/get a condom and he kept going for a few thrusts before he went to get a condom.

There's a word for this.

You said "no" and he pushed himself inside of you regardless?

You know that's rape, right?

No one wants to believe that their husband is a rapist, but based on what you've written, that's the fact here.

No wonder you don't want to have sex with him.

Marital rape is real and you are not his sex toy that he gets to fuck anytime he feels like it.

I really think you need some counselling to help you process what is going on in your marriage.

What @LongIslander said.

He is vile.

Having sex without a condom when you have made it clear you want him to use one is a form of stealthing, which is a form of rape. Tell him that next time he attempts to have unprotected sex without your consent.

Thank you for your comments, I appreciate it.

I'm going to be truly awful and bow out of this thread already, I don't feel mentally strong enough to hear what you're saying in stereo. I do know what marital rape is. I've been SA'd before - not by DH. I'm quite mad at myself I've allowed this to happen. He did stop when I made it clear that I really did mean "no" and knows he's been hurtful and has tried to apologize but that doesn't take away the stomach sinking feeling for me.

Having said that, I really don't think I can uproot my kids' lives and financially fuck us all by LTB (even though I would be the first to say LTB to anyone else).

He does pull his weight but I have a disability that I'm contending with so I'm tired regardless of who does what. I feel a bit hopeless and pathetic to be honest and just wanted to see if I was overreacting by being upset.

Apparently I'm not. I don't think that makes me feel any better.

Thanks all.

I'm sorry OP. Please consider speaking to Rape Crisis or something for support - they won't try to make you do anything. x

It is a lot to deal with OP, and I am so sorry things are so hard for you right now.

Don’t feel pressured to make any decisions right now, you can just sit with it for a while if that’s what you need. There is help and support out there when you’re ready. I wish you well x