Very different *Libido* in long term relationship ( just looking for advice )

[isotiredtoday]

DH would initiate maybe once a month if that its so low has been much longer at times. Ive had the conversation MULTIPLE times how important this side of our relationship is to me , explained it multiple ways and nothing sticks. Now im at a point I need to let it go for my own peace ( im exploring radical acceptance ).

I always initiate , even affection , morning hug ect , i put a dress on yesterday as was hot in garden and was met with ' oh you off clubbing ' , a simple nice to see you in a dress or you look nice would have made my day. Whats wrong with these men 🙄

It's getting to a point when it feels awkward when we do have sex as its so rare , i cant relax and enjoy it and i don't feel very connected , is this common ? I have accepted his love is a 'quite' love and that's just him and this has helped my overthinking brain , but the lack of sex / intimacy bothers me only solved by me initiating EVERY TIME !!!!! I refuse to keep repeating myself and accept this is him and switch long term to battery power 😉

Why do you stay when you’re not happy, and he refuses to address the issue?

I think when the basic need for intimacy isn't being met, and you've had the conversation countless times to no avail, there's not much you can do. It's a lot less lonely being on your own than with someone who's not giving you any form of intimacy.

How long have you been married? Has he always been like this or is it a more recent thing?

I do think it's fairly common, but that doesn't mean you have to accept it.

Maybe you're not doing enough housework?

Couldn't resist. Women on MN always say this to men when their wives are rarely in the mood 😜

It sounds like the relationship is OK, just mismatched sex and affection drives. If he's not willing to change, and this is important to you, well there aren't many other options. Invariably there is the one in the relationship who initiates, one very often is just more tactile. If it happens when you initiate, at least it happens :).

Well if he doesn’t want sex , what is it you want him to do exactly? Pretend? Grin and bear it? From his pov, it’s not fun being repeatedly hassled for sex.

Have you tried couples counselling ?

What does he day when you tell him you're hurt with the lack of intimacy?
What is his reasoning for not wanting sex?
Has he explored anything medically? Is he still masturbating?

If you've discussed and can't reconcile on something you're both ok with then there are only a few options:

• accept it
• move on
• stay but seek sexual gratification elsewhere

When he does initiate (and when you have sex when you initiate) is he enthusiastic?

When he initiates do you feel that he is just ticking a box to meet his quota of what he perceives he needs to do to keep you off his back?

He doesn't refuse to discuss it , in fact he's been very open and honest and says hes not that interested in sex , obviously that doesn't solve our issue 😕

Id say yes to meeting his quota , never thought about it like that but makes sense. And yes to do his husband duty I guess , makes me sad he doesn't want me in that way 😔

Thank you @Botanica accept it ( for now )