I want to leave but it terrifies me.

[L898989]

I am coming to accept that I am just not in love with my husband. There are many things, too long to go into here, that make me feel low and down about our relationship.

I feel like my feelings have been slowly chipped away at over the past few years to the point I just now get on with my life separately from him.

We get on, in some respects he's my best friend and I do not want to hurt him or cause conflict. But I'm not happy if I'm honest with myself. There is just something missing.

But the act of actually saying this out loud and acting on it terrifies me so much.

We share a child, a home, we even work together. We are so entangled. I genuinely don't know what my life would look like outside of this marriage. I'm terrified I'll be left with nothing.

There are a lot of days I just think sod it, it's not awful and I don't want to ruin my child's life just because I feel the grass could be greener.

And then there are others where I feel like a caged animal, anxious, flustered, like I could scream because I just want out but I don't know HOW.

How do you get over this fear?

How? Start by getting a job that doesn't rely on him. Then get seperate finances so you can save a going away fund for solicitors. Find out your joint assets, your earning potential/mortgage, and start looking at rightmove to see what you can afford to buy or rent and where. Once you have a vague plan it is less scary.

Life together doesn't have to be hard or abusive, it can be fun at times, but if your life is spent feeling caged and anxious even 10% of the time then your relationship is effectively over. The fun times are just extending your pain into years down the line where you will be feeling more confused, less self confident, more broken. You can leave for any reason by the way, you don't need to justify it to anyone. Do you think counselling, whether joint or single, would help put your thoughts together better?

Gosh - i could have written this post. So if its any comfort, you are not alone.

I feel unable to leave because i would be making life worse for my teenage children in order to make mine better and that doesn't seem fair.
After many years together, everything is entangled and it feels impossible to change that.

We've just got back from a BBQ at a friend's house this evening and i was looking round the room and thinking that most of our friends are friends of us as a couple. They are nearly all married or in LTR and would be horrified if i left - i'd lose my home, 50% of my children, half my pension and my social life. Don't think i have the strength to do it.
It makes me feel so down, so i recognise your caged animal analogy.
Don't know what to say to make it better, sorry OP x

I understand. I'm there too. We're so intertwined that it's daunting to think about separating. However, I need to form a plan now. We also have a child, one who has needs that are best served by staying where we are now, and which I can afford on my own but there's shared money in the house. We have many complications that we need to work through. And which I'll get a verbal and emotional battering for, but it's needs tackling. So sorry - no advice, just sympathy. Some people will say it's very simple, but often it's really not.

Oh blimey, this really struck a chord. It is so difficult isn't it? I'm actually losing friends at the moment, because of the 'uff uff uff, just make a plan to leave' rhetoric. So easy to say when you're not in the middle of it all. It's a lonely place to be.

It seems tha a big part of the problem is the degree of 'entanglement', so perhaps the first step could be to reduce that entanglement.

That way, you aren't making any big decisions, not rocking the boat, at this stage, but slowly taking steps that would make the decision a bit easier if you decide to leave him, further down the road.

You may also find it easier to deal with your situation because you'd know that you are taking steps, moving closer to being able to leave him. That might make it more bearable.

Can you get another job? Start building on friendships that don't rely on your DH being around?

What is the missing bit? You say you're best friends? I think having some distance , maybe by changing jobs, could help. But marriage is a commitment and you have a child. I'd make sure 100% that your marriage can't work before thinking about leaving. Have you even talked to him about how you're feeling?

I've been in this position several times with my DH and I completely get what you mean.
Have you talked to him about wanting to separate? Does he want to as well?
Have you thought about your finances, where you'd both live, (way smaller places, cheaper location etc) how you'd share your child, how the logistics would work with both of you sharing school runs/work etc?
Have you imagined after dust settles (which could take years of arguing and spite that would be agony for your DC) how you'd feel about dating? And how you'd feel about him dating, being on his best behaviour flirting, dressed up, maybe on a diet and health kick with someone new? This last idea made me realise I'd be furious with him going to these lengths for someone else after all the shit I'd put up with, bearing his DC etc- but also that I'd be jealous cos he's great on his good days.
I've mentally lived all of this, and talked about it quite a lot with DH, who didn't want to separate but whose behaviour was so bad I felt I had no choice.
I told him the DC would likely drift from him to some extent as his work would mean he'd see them less. They would likely have at least some time struggling at school while they came to terms with the break up- possible anxiety, bad behaviour outside school/with friends, alcohol etc dept on their ages.
I asked what would he feel like coming home to an empty flat instead of the family home each night.
How would he feel seeing me all dressed up for a date with someone else? Which of our friends would he still see and who would be his new friends? Who would he do xyz hobbies with etc.
Eventually after lots of rows, discussions, silent treatment (from him), moodiness (from me) he started to improve and now things are significantly better, he's calmed down and things are much better.
I know it's not fixed for life now and who knows what will happen in the future, but for now that entanglement actually helped save our marriage and got us through some very difficult times as the DC were smaller that would've broken their hearts if we'd split up.

@L898989 If it is any help. I was in this position 4 years ago.

I started with feeling how you feel and then it progressed to literally feeling like I was being crushed to death. He wasn’t terrible, just wasn’t for me or me for him. I did absolutely everything to distract, took up new hobbies, worked overtime, bought a dog, then another dog, changed my diet because I felt so drained all the time.

like everyone else, we had one preteen DD, house, now two dogs! 😂 so it didn’t seem possible so I pushed it from my mind.

Then one day, I was home, he came in from being out, we did the usually pleasantries, he made some food and sat on the sofa and as he went to say something about work, I just said ‘I don’t want this anymore’, he finished his food, picked up his car keys and went out for the night. The relief was immense. We separated then, never hostile or horrible just separated.

It was one of the best things I have ever done.

This with bells on. What have you told him? Have you tried counseling? How long has it been like it? Marriages have good and bad episodes.

I’m not one to say stay married whatever the issues (and absolutely not if there is any abuse) but you have to have exhausted every avenue first. Sone people give up too easily. I have a friend that did. 10 years post divorce and she is just as miserable as it turns out it wasn’t the ex causing it. Grass not always greener.

I've only told a handful of my friends (couple of old friends who were my friends before DH, a couple of family members and a couple of people at work who don't know him). I thought telling a trusted network would help me to cristalise my thinking - but some of them expect me to be leaping to action now - but i can't. i feel paralysed, like i'm in a huge spider's web of complexity :(

I don't think I could stay in a relationship whereby I felt like this, even if there was a risk of being worse off financially, home-wise etc etc.

@Cucumberflo how did the next bit pan out? I'm guessing your DH must have been in agreement that the marriage was over? How is your DD? And (last question!) who got the dogs?

Glad you're in a better place now.

@newname642

yes, he made arrangements and left the home the next day. It was a rented house and I was the higher earner so it made sense that I kept it with DD. We agreed on maintenance in the days that followed which was easy enough, and I just said to him let me know when you want to see DD and that’s always been the arrangement. We both work shifts so couldn’t commit to set days really.

I was conscious that I had kept the house and the dogs! So I didn’t want to make it hard on him. He got a flat a couple of months later and that was it really.

DD was ok at the time, then later she was upset about it all but is quite ok, she said that she knew that me and her dad didn’t get along and we are better separate.

I did have a ‘oh shit’ moment about a month after and panicked I wouldn’t be able to manage the bills, DD, dogs, work etc but it passed and I have not looked back!

Thanks for answering, Cucumberflo. It sounds like it all went as smoothly as you could have hoped for. And you got to keep the dogs, so that's a win (probably also a big expense, but worth it)