Things aren't bad but also never really good

[Notthisshitforthehundredthtime]

Just that really -

Things have been bad in the past but we worked through them.
I've never felt like we have had a really amazing period ever when we fancied each other, laughed a lot or I felt really happy and in love.
I often feel like that makes it harder to swallow things being a bit rubbish a lot of the time.
DH is so unfocused when I talk, I never feel heard or that we are having a good chat.

The last year we worked on our marriage a lot with therapy and things got much better. They were never great though.

The last while I feel furious with him. He has been out with his hobby a lot. When I organised a date he grumbled that he had a work deadline. He has organised no dates. We talked and he promised to organise a romantic surprise. He knows what I would like - it wouldn't cost much at all and it would mean so much to me. It's been two months and hasn't happened.

He's been sitting up late at night playing chess online. Otherwise he goes out to his hobby. He keeps trying to be out more. It's really really pissing me off.

I'm sick of him and being with someone who makes no effort with me.

Last week he tried to have sex with me. It felt like I was just handy as I happened to be beside him in the morning. I said no that I deserved to feel actually liked and desired during the lead-up. This morning we did have sex. I sent him a flirty message about it being lovely later on. He ignored.

I'm sick of it. I keep thinking about when I was single and I had really high standards about how men who wanted to date me treated me and wondering why now I am settled down I should be tolerating no effort at all.

It takes two and he’s not trying. You have tried so hard and he doesn’t care, pick up your dignity and walk away.

If he wanted to, he would. It’s really that simple.

You deserve better and I’d be making plans to leave. This is no life.

I've never felt like we have had a really amazing period ever when we fancied each other, laughed a lot or I felt really happy and in love.

How did you accept this from the start of you had high standards?

And what are you working towards if you never had it in the first place?

So he is out as much as he can be or online interacting with anyone but you, and you stay, look after things in the house and have sex with him. He's got it easy why does he need to make any effort? He can get his social happiness from hobbies.

It sounds dull as ditchwater OP.

I'm also confused as to how you ended up married to someone you never really fancied or felt blissfully in love with? I don't mean this in a judgy way, I'm genuinely curious how that happened.

If you never had that as a foundation to start with, I'm not sure what your efforts are for. It's like you're trying to reignite a spark that was never there in the first place.

If things are never really good, why bother? What are you fighting for? It really sounds like you'd be much happier on your own.

Agree with pp that if things started off meh, they aren't going to get better. My relationship is similar, however tbh I didn't have high standards when dating and just wanted to meet someone. It does make me feel a bit sad that I never had that experience of romance with my H, staying up all night talking, going on dates, etc, but I accept I've made my choices.

Do you have dc?

This in spades !

Life is too short to spend with someone who doesn't want to be with you

Yes we have DC. I guess this is why I keep trying. I don't want them to grow up in a separated family like I did.

In terms of family stuff we do very well and have a lovely little unit. It's as a couple the relationship is not there. I don't think he's ever experienced anything else and he thinks it's all fine. He has never had close relationships of any sort with anyone, family, friends, romantic partners. I have and I don't think it's all fine. I crave the intimacy of being with someone who is really interested in me.

Yes my dh is similar. Sorry to be negative but I think we just have accept it (if we don't want to split up due to DC). Realistically our dhs have never been interested in us, even when we were young and new to them, and don't want to/can't even form friendships. So thinking that they are going to change now is madness.

I also desperately crave intimacy and connection though.

Ditto @Notthisshitforthehundredthtime its the wanting to be wanted that hurts the most.

Family life is good and we do get on as friends/parents but that's where it ends , like you a wondering hand in the night because your right there feels awful and rather task driven than meaningful.

I was lying in bed last night with DH beside me , hoping he would 'see' me but nope nothing. This morning he did notice i was distant but easily distracted with his hobbies and kids. Feel like a sparks gone for me now X

Your not alone OP

My first marriage was like this. He was my first 'proper' boyfriend at 17 - after a 'difficult' childhood and having been brought up as a Catholic I had swallowed the whole idea that if you were having sex with someone that meant you loved them. I was desperate for love and affection and thought that was what sex was.

We got married when I had just turned 21 and it was a disaster. Even though my husband was only 24, he acted more like a 54 year old...he was more into his allotment than me! I remember once I complained that we hardly spent any of our free time together ...he promptly then signed up to become a Scout Leader...I realised at that point he just wasn't interested in me, or spending any time with me. For the next year - until I finally left - I lived my life as if I was single. I should have never married him in the first place!

As your children get older they are going to pick up on how you and your husband really feel towards each other. They are going to learn/think that a marriage where the parents show no love/affection to each other and spend hardly any time together is the 'normal' - my parents were like that and I ended up replicating the same, as it was all I knew.

If you don't want to leave then your option is to get a lover. ..

Prehap's a single neighbour 😂 ??? @Treacletoots

This!

I was with my ex (DD’s father) for 10 years. He never initiated anything, never wanted to do anything together, didn’t cook. I begged him to come to the gym with me as something we could do together, he refused, last few years we led completely separate lives.

We split and he has a new partner, teenage DD frequently says how he cooks now, goes to the gym, goes on days out, holidays, weddings with new GF. Everything he never did with me. I’m not at all bitter just think we were never suited so he didn’t want to and that’s ok.

Well to be fair to the man, he does cook, he does keep the house, does loads with our DC, is kind and thoughtful to me helping out with stuff when he knows I'm overloaded. He is a good partner to me, he holds my hand, gives me compliments, is loyal (I believe).

It's the part of our lives that people don't see. The lack of chemistry, connection, laughing, talking, sharing, flirting. People talk about these aspects of their relationship changing but it's not there at all.

He's not close with anyone and never has been. I feel lonely with him.