Think my brother is ghosting me and I don’t know why

[SiblingWoes]

I know the sensible thing to do would be ask him but I feel sick at the thought of some sort of confrontation , we had a very toxic, narc mother who always criticised us which has certainly given me issues.

We have no other family at all so nobody I can ask what’s going on.

He lives a couple of hours away, i wouldn’t say we’re close but we see each other 2 or 3 times a year…..we ring slightly more frequently than that. Never had any issues or falling out in the past. We were both NC with our mum before she died and supported each other through that.

I saw him just before Xmas, we exchanged bags of presents. We had a nice day. I sent a thankyou card after Xmas. Did not get a thankyou card from him /SIL which is very unusual. It was my DD’s birthday a couple of months ago and he messaged me to say he’d sent a gift card. He would normally ring me, never texts so i thought that was odd. I replied back and said thanks, told him that my dh has been really quite poorly and just come out of hospital and still unwell. No response to that. I can see he’s read it. This was 2 months ago! To be honest i think it’s a bit rude to not reply to such a message. Then last week i messaged him asking if he wanted to meet up near him one weekend soon. No response and it doesn’t look like he’s opened /read the message.

Ive been racking my brain trying to think if I said/did something wrong when he was here before Xmas but everyone seemed happy when they left. The only thing I can think is that it was his birthday just before Xmas, so there was a birthday card and present included with the Xmas presents I gave him in a bag. So i didn’t forget…..but I have now realised it was his 50th. I didn’t get him a special 50th card as I just hadn’t remembered. I can’t remember how old I am half the time never mind him!

Im torn between ringing/messaging asking what’s wrong. But if I have unintentionally slighted him somehow it’s going to be upsetting. Then part of me thinks if he is taking such a hump over something fairly minor then maybe that’s it and our relationship has run its course. He does have a habit of cutting people off if no longer of interest to him and I admit we don’t have anything in common but I try and make an effort.

Depends whether you'd rather wonder or find out, I guess?

If he refuses your call, you're at least sure he's cut you off?
If he answers and it's awful and you don't manage to resolve it, that will be hurtful and stressful, but at least you'll know.
If he answers and you resolve it, then that's a positive.

I would assume in that situation that he's struggling and doesn't want to talk about it or feels he can't. Depression? Lost his job? Marriage problems?

You need to be brave and call or message to gently ask if he's ok. It'll show you care even if he doesn't respond.

He just sounds selfish, I’m sorry. You are the one fretting whether you’ve done something wrong, and I would bet a million quid that he’s just disinclined to bother. Which is sad and hurtful. But not your fault.

Yes resolving it would definitely be the best option but having a hurtful conversation would be the worst and just not sure I can cope with that. I’m still reeling from the nasty letter my mother sent me via her solicitor from beyond the grave and just don’t think I can cope with anything similar.

maybe sending him a messages in a week or so asking if he’s ok is a good idea. If he doesn’t respond then I guess that’s that.

I understand this I would be the same.
So you have any relationship with SIL? You could send her a light friendly text and see if she responds?

Also re. his 50th, it would be odd if that was it if he hadn't made a big thing of it himself - some people aren't keen on making a big 'thing' about birthdays!

I mean about landmark birthdays

Ask your SIL?

Might do this, just don’t want her to be stuck in the middle of something

I went through almost the exact same thing with my brother last year. After months of wracking my brain trying to figure out if I'd inadvertently done something to hurt his feelings, my SIL reached out to me.

Turns out he was having health issues that he wasn't ready to "go public" with and (reading between the lines) there was some strain in the marriage.

So it may have nothing to do with you, OP, but I do sympathize.

Op I don't think you should message the sil. Don't get 2nd hand info. Just message your brother and say how you feel and just ask him straight up what's going on. If he doesn't respond, then make one phone call too. If after that there's no response leave the ball in his court. He's your brother and it's OK to make the effort to find out what's wrong, make the effort and then leave the rest to him.

I'd message and say not heard from you in a while is everything okay?

If you don't hear anything you could ask your sil if he's ok - health, mental health etc