Talk to me about 9 year old daughters

[Rose91572]

My 2015 child is hard to feel close to. Shes a mixture of uptight, serious a tad anxious mixed with shy, trying to hard to be miss popular and obsessing over things like money and fashion. In recent months shes become obsessed with being "a queen bee" "miss popular" yet in the kindest way she is the opposite as she cant mix in groups as she gets obsessed with friends taking her other friends. Shes so fussy with clothes now and want want wants.

I try so hard to be good to her. Ahe has her ears pierced. I let her use a tablet now. Ive taken her shopping in another place etc. But nothing makes her relax.

She never seems to laugh and when she talks to me she is bitching about girls at school. I tell her shes lovely and i bought her accesories for her hair she wanted. I try give her a little independance now like leaving her home alone for 15 minutes if i pop to the shop.

She trashes the whole house. Rubbish everywhere. Messes her room up. Lazy with getting dressed. Wont brush her hair. Ill ask her two or 3 times to put her socks on and she will come through without them. Often she will bung on the most lazy footwear completely wrong for the weather. I get greeted with attitude when i tell her what she needs to put on instead.

I feel like she hates me. Shes joyless to be around and ive tried all i can to give her one on one time away from her brother.

Help!

I'm sad to read this.

Have you sat down with her to ascertain if there are any issues at school? Can you rule out bullying or whether she's 'playing up' to get attention because there are things going on at school or at home?

Can you start with helping her calmly about what is expected in terms of dressing and not trashing the house?

Are there any other issues/changes within the home that might be difficult for her? How is her relationship with the rest of the family?

Do you think she might be aware that you feel she is 'joyless' and thus acting out?

Get her off of any form of social media like Tik tok etc. These Influences of wanting to be “queen bee” are coming from somewhere.

This just sounds to me like a young girl growing up. It also sounds a bit like me when I was that age: very serious, not very good with friendships, and not bothered about the things my parents wanted me to do. And I would not listen to advice or wisdom from my parents.

So I'd be inclined to make sure she is safe (without wrapping her in cotton wool), be a role model (which means admitting to your weaknesses and failings as well) without demanding she follows you, and keep talking to her as a person who is now starting to take decisions for herself (without nagging or ordering any more than is essential to keep the household moving forward) and not worry about the rest.

This - and it gets far worse at 12/13 as I can testify to!!!

She sounds like she is unhappy and I wonder if she can tell your feelings for her.

I sometimes need to ask my nine year old daughter a few times to do things but I’m generally she is kind, polite, loving and a gentle girl. I don’t think what you are seeing is age related.

Ive had similar conversations with other parents of kids between ages of 7-10 and the general conclusion was that they're all kind of annoying at that age

they're growing up, want to be teenagers, but they're still kids that can get their head stuck when taking off their jumpers

they will talk about being serious and then can have a tantrum over a toy

for context, my step-daughter was mad at me yesterday because she asked me if I thought she was being mature and I said no - in context of her having a tantrum over a toy belonging to her 8months old sister 🤪 You can't make this stuff up! So take a step back, don't take it all too seriously and just watch out for signs of genuine stress or problems

but take her off tik tok, its not healthy for kids

Is she doing enough non screen based activities? Sport, gymnastics, swimming? Craft, instrument, family days out to movies, museums going out for dinner? She sounds too focused on socialising and appearance for an 8yo.

I also wonder if this is social media related. This can be a complex age but it sounds like something os making her unhappy (I also have a DD born in 2015).

Thanks. She isnt on tik tok etc i am guilty of youtube and i do try monitor her on it and have at times lectured her on things on there.

6 months ago i moved due to seperation. Me and her dad have a good relationship still and he is allowed into my home and we have the odd day out.

Ive tried talking and being gentle. Ive also been firm about respecting adults and not back chatting. Money doesnt grow on trees etc. Shes always been serious where as im abit more on the bouncy side as is her brother. So its hard for me as a joke can really get to her. One comment has her upset.

Is she active on any social media or YouTube? There are a few girls like this in my nine year old DD class, but DD and her friends are lovely. Into animals, games, fun and sport. They occasionally paint their nails but couldn't care less about fashion and being popular.

Show her she is beautiful and fine as she is by denying her things she thinks (but you know won't) make her life better. Clothes, tech, make-up, earrings?! Climb a tree or play a game, go for hot chocolates together and rate your best ones. Show & teach her how to have fun and relationships that are not based on bitching, on stuff, competition for being the best, or status. And cut out all the influences that are getting to her. IMO...

@Rose91572 she may still be adjusting to the new situation, so considering its only been 6 months she is really doing well!

and keep an eye on what is she watching on youtube, ive noticed my step-daughter picks up mannerisms from shows and cartoons she watches, which is mostly harmless when you think about it - these are KIDS talking about being queen bees and clothes. When you look at it with some distance it's pretty cute in some ways

A separation no matter how amicable is a huge adverse experience for a child.

That aside, connect with her in childlike ways. Forget trying to be cool or buying her stuff.

Chase / hide and seek, silly and fun swimming games, make a home "spa" where you pretend to be a really OTT therapist and give her a hand treatment etc, draw together, try to make up best knock knock jokes... stuff that costs no money is where you will find happiness.

mine can be sweetness and light one moment and a shouty hurricane the next! I’m chalking it up to hormones starting to kick in and the pressure of being prepped for tests, then yr 5. She is slightly into ‘stuff’ and we’ve defo had some conversations about boasting recently (seems to be an obsession with money in her class!) but she seems to understand that’s not how to keep friends.
Reckon we are all in the trenches now until 2036🤣

Thanks all. Thats a good suggestion to encourage more innocent stuff. I try buy jwr sweet clothes and she wont wear them. She does judo. I have bought a cheap tent last weekend for the garden and swingball. She has been outside with the little bro. But yeah she never seems happy to me. Its so hard as i desperately want my little girl back. She has barbies she wont play with because her friend says they are for babies.

I recognise some of this in my daughter, who is also 2015-born. It is a tricky age, I think more so these days as they seem so keen to grow up before they are ready. My DD watches various shows about teens and does emulate some of the language e.g. talking about ‘popular girls’ in her class, although she doesn’t seem to want to emulate them. She is quite interested in clothes, makeup etc (although not allowed to wear the latter outside the house), but she still plays with toys and hasn’t yet been put off this by people calling it babyish.

It does sound as though the YouTube influence may be a problem in your case - there is such a lot of rubbish on there, and if she’s watching child/teen ‘influencers’ she may be comparing her life to theirs and finding it wanting.

I know it's difficult with so many other things to do, but get her off Youtube as far as you can and back into the 'real' world. I've had this with my 7yo being allowed access by his dad and they pick up a tremendous amount of nonsense from videos that seem harmless (thankfully for him, it's mostly stuff around childish pranks but also some inappropriate language that I'm trying to put a stop to).

What are her peers at school/friends like? Are they also 'mature' for their ages? It's difficult if they are and she wants to fit in with her peer group.

A 9 year old should NOT be on TikTok. Or YouTube.
Watching these and getting absorbed is really bad for her emotional development. You need to get her 'out of herself' literally out of the house doing physical things.
She is a child, she needs boundaries and rules. You might be treating her like she's a pal not a 9yo child.

Very sad. At 9 too. Wow. Hopefully she might get better as a teen is she very developed? Is she starting puberty early?

Don't give her a tablet or a phone.

Lots of this behaviour sounds very similar to my 9 year old DD (2014) I also put it down to hormones with some influence from You Tube (make up). She can be the most amazing, kind, sharing, loving little girl and then all of a sudden she is having a meltdown about something. Both her dad and I are sick of hearing ourselves saying the same things over and over again, but having said that, she will happily tidy and organise her room, sort out old clothes/toys for charity and will voluntarily take the dog for a walk without us asking and not bat an eyelid at picking up poo (only when we’re in certain places will we allow her to take the dog on her own).

Our DD is craving independence and we are giving her as much as we are comfortable with which helps, however, she does often try to push it a bit further which is where we usually end up with the arguing.

We try to focus on the 95% of the times where she is amazing and make sure we praise her and reinforce that behaviour whilst not giving much attention to the other behaviour, other than the conversations that come afterwards when she has settled.

But I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone and I think it’s something that we have to get comfortable with for the next few years as the hormones start raging.

I have a difficult almost grown up DD so I can relate to all of what you’ve said. Like other posters have said, she’s trying to grown up too quickly doing what she perceives will make her popular. She’s trying to fit her self into a mild that isn’t her.
Sounds like she has an addictive personality in ways too.
I think a strategy I would use as she is thankfully 9 and not 15 is to introduce her to a hobby that helps her relax and be comfortable with her true self. Brownies / Girl Guiding may be something that helps instead of something more focussed on winning ect may be a way forward. Hopefully she can relax in a non pressured envious while making friends outside of a school circle where everyone is trying to be the same.
Also an activity for you both to do together be it making cupcakes or some kind of crafting to bring you together.
It’s hard when the child can be high maintence because of the pressure we put on ourselves so don’t be hard on yourself either x

Should have edited last message instead of pressing send! I meant “mould” instead of “mild”.

Get her tablet back and put parental controls on it. Set them tight. Don’t overdo the lectures about safe use - her brain doesn’t understand. There is good stuff here https://www.ysafe.com.au/

Yes to more outside activity. Keep her moving as much as possible. Don’t be afraid to say no to buying more stuff and while allowing freedom, set boundaries and stick to them. She will push and push but stick to them. She will be sweetness and light with the world and its wife and feral with you. You may not recognise the child your teachers see and talk about. Your job is to embrace her all the same.

Buckle your belt. Hoik your bosoms. Life is going to be grumpy and bumpy so practice your relentless cheerfulness now. You can do this. And one day, you will see a little glimpse of the fabulous addition to the world you have produced. And that’s the best day.

It sounds like she's at risk of becoming a materialistic brat. Maybe limit screen time and get outdoors with her more, get into walking together? Or going off on adventures where she has fun without worrying about what others think of her? Outdoor hobbies may be more grounding and fulfilling and give her a new perspective on things. Worth a try?!

This sounds like challenging but fairly normal pre teen behaviour. She's just starting a couple of years early! I don't think it's helpful to say you desperately want your little girl back - at this age they are growing and changing and it's unrealistic to think that she'll stay the same. In preparation for the teen years I recommend the book Untangled by Lisa Damour.