Addressing Erectile Disfunction

[Chickapea77]

Hi! My husband started having trouble with ED a couple of years after our youngest was born. It was upsetting for me as I felt unloved and unwanted, I did try everything, was patient and understanding. Eventually he did try medication but it didn’t seem to work (only tried twice). Since then he simply has refused to address the issue and there’s been no intimacy whatsoever.
I did just blank the problem and got on with things but it has been a few years now and I am sad that he would rather go without sex for the rest of his life than going through the ‘embarrassment’ of asking for help.
Has any of you gone through this? Is there a way back? Any ideas on how to approach the issue without getting him to shut down again?
THanks!

Do you have kids?

Tell him you've been through he embarrassment of smears, breast exams, vaginally exams in labour, countless Dr's earing into your vagina, internal examinations, internal scans, stitches etc.

If he can't get over the embarrassment of going to the Dr for a very common problem then tell him you're going to leave as you're not willing to spend your life in celibacy.

Even if he does seek help a lot of men seem to not be able to be helped. He needs to be really motivated to do all the things. My ex finally sought help after I left him and he still can’t sleep with his new girlfriend. He goes to clinics, takes tablets, everything… doesn’t work. I’m glad to be out of it but I am finding the men my age often have this issue so it’s a case of weeding them out.

Are you not completely turned off by his total refusal to do something about this, OP? You must be in bits if this only cropped up since children were brought into your marriage. Time for an ultimatum, surely.

As another poster said, you’ve taken the brunt of embarrassing procedures so far. Surely he wants to get his dick fixed?

How old are you both? Does he expect that you could happily go decades without intimacy? How about sitting down an having a chat about where he realistically thinks the outcome of this should go. Is it OK for you to have relations with someone else if not him? If he won't do anything about it, options are open up the marriage for you, or separate, because expecting you to be celibate for the rest of your life is unrealistic. As you have young DC I'm guessing you are still quite young.

Ask him how embarrassed he'll be if he gets prostate cancer!!

I do wish blokes would grow up over this.

ED can be because of.........
Hormone imbalance. Too much oestrogen for example.
Prostate enlargement. through a bad diet, lack of exercise, smoking and alcohol
Prostate cancer. Even in the fit and young.
Urinary issues. UTI's.
Genetics. High cholesterol levels and blood pressure
Certain medications. Antidepressants and BP meds for example.
Psychological. Stress, Depression, Anxiety.

Blue pills will not work without desire. In which case it could be psychological.

He can request a male doctor and he should be assured it is all in confidence.

I would steer the conversation in a slightly different direction, ED is the earlier warning flag of heart disease, maybe talk about what happens after he passes

Thank you.
Truth is he has had his share of invasive procedures too, obviously not as many as popping three babies out! My first delivery may as well have been on a bus stop with the amount of people swinging by!

We have two children with disabilities and life isn’t easy for either of us, we don’t even sleep together as the kids jump into our bed eventually every night.

I realise being celibate would be a deal breaker for most (I am still in my 40s) but I suppose I have been so busy in the last couple of years that I wasn’t even aware how long it’s been.

I think it was the fact that viagra didn’t work that was the final straw for him, he assumed there’s nothing to be done. All the GPs in our surgery are females now, maybe it would be best to talk to a man.

I do agree the health issues associated would be a worry, particularly with our kids having special needs. He turns 50 this year so definitely due for a prostate check.

Yes, there’s a possibility any of those factors are at play.
Also, he was very self conscious when he took the tablet, I have the feeling that didn’t help.
They are hard work… it’s like walking on egg shells.

A good one I read about it all was "If you wake up in the morning with an erection, it's psychological, it you don't, it's medical.

But I agree with others, has to be a foot down time too a degree, intimacy is important in a relationship and lack of can lead to resentment and anger.

Good luck

Yes , if 50 it’s time for PSA test and internal exam

I had those this year have been diagnosed with enlarged prostate and have a urologist appt for a cancer check

Would agree he needs a medical check up. However, cialis is available as an alternative to viagra and can (also) be order to line via Superdrug etc if he completes a questionnaire. I believe cialis lasts for 36h so he could take it well ahead of when you want to have sex and separate the worry of the tablet from the act, IYSWIM?

IMO don't take any pills until a full check up has been done. If he has low blood pressure they can have an adverse effect. If you have a home blood pressure monitor check his BP. If you don't I'd get one, they are pretty cheap. Also an oximeter to check oxygen levels. They are cheap too.
It's a start point and if the readings are abnormal it might give him the incentive to have a professional look at him.

He really needs to speak to a doctor x my partner had same problem he was dreading seeing a woman doctor but they really do see it all the time. He was so relieved when the pills worked, and doctor said they can change dose anytime. There is help out there xxxx

Oh, we do have an oxymeter and that’s normal. He did have bloods done for an unrelated issue last year and those were ok, I assume they did blood pressure as well.
Thanks for the warning though, it would be so much easier if he had just mentioned it to the GP when he went back then, would have got a prescription and an idea as to the next step.

Thank you so much for that, it would literally save the relationship.

Well, that would be a good time to bring it up then, is that done by the GP? Do they send a letter as they do with smear tests? It’s probably quite quick and not all that bad, really…

Hope the check up goes well, definitely worth having it done, just like the smear tests.

There's a lot that can be done in the bedroom without an erection. He can have an orgasm without one too. Penetration is not the only option for intimacy.
There is a note somewhere on Viagra or cialis that says he needs to try them certain amount of times before giving up (it's definitely more than twice) and that's I think to get over the psychological effect.
It is true that the pills will not work without the desire to have sex - they only keep the blood where the blood needs to be but they won't "cause" an erection or magic one up.
It is difficult though to have the conversation if the other side refuses to engage. But it is a bit silly of him not to look for help, 50 is way too young to be giving up on sex.

There is no screening program for men so issues go unaddressed until symptoms become an issue - the blood test is just a regular thing with a GP follow up and internal check.
my GP gave my a referral there and then as he wasn’t happy with the internal check and my PSA levels are elevated

Getting an erection was not the issue, it was keeping it up until the end, so it’s not like it can’t physically happen, it could be stress or it could be something else, it looks like he did talk about it with a coworker, weirdly enough… I do agree we should have kept trying but it’s hard to find time when kids are not around as it is and he was getting upset so I never insisted after that, maybe he feels I don’t want to. Communication has never been our strength.

He doesn't even need to see a dr, he can do buy from boots online doctor or Superdrug online doctor

Viagra needs to be taken on an empty stomach and not after eating a high fat meal. The other alternative is Cialis which can be effective for up to 36 hours. It can be bought without a prescription too.

The expectation that a man in his fifties and older can and should maintain an erection is unrealistic. He's not a young buck anymore spraying it around to attract fertile females.
What is realistic is to have fun foreplay and to be erect at the right time not all the time. IYSWIM.
The pressure on men to be erect in the bedroom all the time can have the opposite effect, especially with men of a certain age. Our bodies change and therefore the way in which we go about satisfying each other should change too.
The mature vagina is not the same as it was, so why is it expected that a mans penis should function as it did thirty years ago.