Marriage over? | Mumsnet

WHITE0CTOPUS · 31/05/2024 12:13

Well I would say that I have and that we have come out the other side actually. Our children are teens now but like you we have one autistic child.

I felt resentful to him and found him gross.

We went to counselling together and it really changed our relationship. We are very happy now. Go for walks together and out for dinner, regular sex

I know lots of people will say leave if you're not happy, but just giving a different perspective

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2024 12:13

I would seek legal advice and make plans to leave.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. It does your children no favours at all to see such a poor example of a marriage, a marriage that should be over from what you describe of it. It’s not “easier” for you either to remain within it.

Toxicalevandherhusband · 01/06/2024 10:13

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2024 12:13

I would seek legal advice and make plans to leave.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. It does your children no favours at all to see such a poor example of a marriage, a marriage that should be over from what you describe of it. It’s not “easier” for you either to remain within it.

Op should try and sort things out first and talk to her husband do you not think? You're on here telling random ppl to end their marriages when you know the full situation. Op hasn't reported anything that worries me she's in danger however her situation absolutely isn't appropriate so at very least she needs to talk to her husband to see what's going and to see if they both want to try and sort it out like the poster above you mentioned ppl can get to the other side.

jsku · 01/06/2024 14:07

I’d think pragmatically.
Yes - your relationship is dead, but you do still need to raise your kids.

What will finances and living situation look like if you divorce now - vs later?
What can you do now to prepare - do you work? Can you support yourself and a separate home with kids? Etc.
Kids start needing less childcare once they are at secondary - which is not that far away for you. So - you can plan and prepare.

As to the emotional side of your marriage - you can start distancing and making peace with that now. Build up your separate support network and social life. It will make your actual separation later on much easier.

I presume he doesn’t want to work on fixing the relationship. But on the odd chance he does - you can ask of he’d do relationship counselling.

Theoldways456 · 01/06/2024 14:25

I could have written much of your post op. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I know how soul destroying it feels.

I have been battling with the same question and I'm coming to the conclusion it is over (my situation has been ongoing for a few years now, you don't say how long things have been like this for you). What do you think has changed? Are things salvageable? Your situation will be different to mine and the next person's.

jsku has written some sound advice and asks some good questions you might want to ask yourself. I have distanced myself and it does make things easier. I am currently in the process of building up my support network/social life, having looked at my finances.

I am also waiting for dc to go to secondary school to ease the need for childcare and so on. I think this is good advice also if things aren't awful and you don't have any other support in real life. Obviously you might have but I don't. I think essentially, there is never a right time but it is helpful to look at practicalities.

I wouldn't make an instant decision as suggested above. There's a fair bit to work through. Admittedly, it is not a pleasant place to be - feeling stuck. I know things will get easier in my situation in the not so dim and distant future.

Watching your thread with interest op.

Original poster

Buttercup0102 · 03/06/2024 08:19

jsku · 01/06/2024 14:07

I’d think pragmatically.
Yes - your relationship is dead, but you do still need to raise your kids.

What will finances and living situation look like if you divorce now - vs later?
What can you do now to prepare - do you work? Can you support yourself and a separate home with kids? Etc.
Kids start needing less childcare once they are at secondary - which is not that far away for you. So - you can plan and prepare.

As to the emotional side of your marriage - you can start distancing and making peace with that now. Build up your separate support network and social life. It will make your actual separation later on much easier.

I presume he doesn’t want to work on fixing the relationship. But on the odd chance he does - you can ask of he’d do relationship counselling.

This is some really sound advice, thank you. Luckily I work full time and get paid pretty well. I have quite a bit of equity in the house but it is still a logistic minefield as to how it would all work, and certainly needs a lot of thought. I have started doing things separate from him, e.g. seeing friends, taking the kids out without him, etc. That seems to be working out quite well.

I actually don't think he realises how bad things are, but we are certainly working up to a full-blown, everything-on-the-table conversation.

OP posts:

Original poster

Buttercup0102 · 03/06/2024 08:25

Theoldways456 · 01/06/2024 14:25

I could have written much of your post op. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I know how soul destroying it feels.

I have been battling with the same question and I'm coming to the conclusion it is over (my situation has been ongoing for a few years now, you don't say how long things have been like this for you). What do you think has changed? Are things salvageable? Your situation will be different to mine and the next person's.

jsku has written some sound advice and asks some good questions you might want to ask yourself. I have distanced myself and it does make things easier. I am currently in the process of building up my support network/social life, having looked at my finances.

I am also waiting for dc to go to secondary school to ease the need for childcare and so on. I think this is good advice also if things aren't awful and you don't have any other support in real life. Obviously you might have but I don't. I think essentially, there is never a right time but it is helpful to look at practicalities.

I wouldn't make an instant decision as suggested above. There's a fair bit to work through. Admittedly, it is not a pleasant place to be - feeling stuck. I know things will get easier in my situation in the not so dim and distant future.

Watching your thread with interest op.

It is such a terrible situation to be in, isn't it. My friends say to me - 'if it wasn't for the kids, would you still be with him?' The answer would be absolutely not. When children are in the equation, things are 100 times more difficult. I'm keen not to prolong this though, but also not to rush into a decision. Life is short, and you only get one! It seems there are so many miserable people out there in crap marriages like this.

A full blown discussion is brewing. Yesterday was a great example of our toxic relationship. I had made dinner for everyone, and normally I leave his on the side for when he is ready to have it, as he is often working or doing something else. He was in the garden mowing on this occasion. He came back in the house and I told him there was some dinner in the kitchen. He quizzed me on when it was ready, and why I hadn't come and told him, and then refused to eat it. He then made a point of saying I should have said thank you to him for mowing the lawn. (zero thanks for the dinner I made him that he refused to eat due to his hissy fit!) It is constant things like this that push we further and further away!

OP posts:

Georgeismydog · 03/06/2024 08:30

Same here OP - I do everything without him these days. Didn't use to but last 6 months or so he has checked out of the marriage. Tried not doing my own thing and putting my life on hold for him but i just end up really resentful . I have started distancing myself from him and am building up my own support network

Theoldways456 · 03/06/2024 18:24

It is such a terrible situation to be in, isn't it. My friends say to me - 'if it wasn't for the kids, would you still be with him?' The answer would be absolutely not. When children are in the equation, things are 100 times more difficult. I'm keen not to prolong this though, but also not to rush into a decision. Life is short, and you only get one! It seems there are so many miserable people out there in crap marriages like this.

Absolutely agree. Now, as things are, I wouldn't choose husband as a friend/someone I would want to spend time with, let alone anything else.

Often, we are advised not to stick around for the children. However, there is so many emotional and perhaps financial and practical implications to this, it can be easier said than done. I suspect this is just one of many reasons why I feel unable to make a change.

I've just tried to plough on and have been working at other aspects of my life such as interests and social network. I've also started some therapy.

PineConeOrDogPoo · 04/06/2025 07:43

Buttercup0102 · 03/06/2024 08:25

It is such a terrible situation to be in, isn't it. My friends say to me - 'if it wasn't for the kids, would you still be with him?' The answer would be absolutely not. When children are in the equation, things are 100 times more difficult. I'm keen not to prolong this though, but also not to rush into a decision. Life is short, and you only get one! It seems there are so many miserable people out there in crap marriages like this.

A full blown discussion is brewing. Yesterday was a great example of our toxic relationship. I had made dinner for everyone, and normally I leave his on the side for when he is ready to have it, as he is often working or doing something else. He was in the garden mowing on this occasion. He came back in the house and I told him there was some dinner in the kitchen. He quizzed me on when it was ready, and why I hadn't come and told him, and then refused to eat it. He then made a point of saying I should have said thank you to him for mowing the lawn. (zero thanks for the dinner I made him that he refused to eat due to his hissy fit!) It is constant things like this that push we further and further away!

Show quote history

OP - I've been where you are and now happy with the partner I wanted to leave - we both did - it's taken 5 years of work on my part to transform things - and the real healing will not take place if you are in emotional contact with another man outside your marriage.

(Also maybe read my post on your other thread Fallen out of love because I put some links to websites I found useful.)

Anyone who wants a better relationship with anyone to say thanks for things your partner does. So try this - swallow your pride and be the first one to say it. See what happens. Keep saying it again and again. You will find the monster your husband is transforms magically and starts saying it back. Someone has to break the impasse - if it is you then you are the one who is actively healing the bond.

Housemum45 · 04/06/2025 07:56

Buttercup0102 · 31/05/2024 12:00

Please be kind, as I feel like I am in a somewhat fragile state!

I have been married to my husband for almost 10 years. I feel miserable and have no idea what to do. The spark is completely gone. I have no desire to be intimate with him, and when we are, it is so forced from my side and just to keep him happy. We don't kiss, we don't hug - there is just nothing. The evenings are spent apart in different rooms. I don't feel loved. I feel absolute resentment towards him as I do so much and feel like there is no appreciation at all.

We have 2 children under 10, one of whom is autistic.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I have no idea what the answer is.

Hi how are you feeling

KTeachMom · 04/06/2025 12:54

I’m not going to be any help, but I can empathize with you. I am in the exact same situation. Possibly even more a little gone with the relationship. He doesn’t want to accept how broken it is. I don’t have an answer, but I can understand where you are!