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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Really need some advice please ‘space’

37 replies

ChookaPooka · 31/05/2024 08:47

Hi everyone,

Relationship for 4.5 years, I have adult children he has pre teens, we moved into together after 2 years but argued continuously, he’s very stubborn and closed off, I'm very open and sensitive. We initially broke up when I moved out but then made another go of it, I’m very independent so was happy to have my own space.

At the start of the relationship we spoke about next steps, marriage etc. This has been not discussed since, we have never been a partnership, money kept separate and if I dared to speak about the future it would be shot down, always been told to keep a lid on my feelings.

The past year he has started to struggle with his mental health, traumatic events in his life have finally caught up with him at 52, he’s ended up on sick leave from work for months and on medication, throughout this time I have done everything I can to support, listened, acts of service and a huge amount of patience, I have been used as a punching bag throughout the last 6 months (not physically, just mentally). His anger and frustration has been directly squarely at me and it’s worn me down, he makes me anxious and on edge. We no longer are intimate, this was a massive part of our relationship before. Ten days ago he asked for space to get better as he didn’t feel he was doing that, he told me he loved me and would be in touch in a couple of days, I replied, I agree, take care. I have heard nothing since. I’m not climbing the walls with heartbreak or worry and in all honesty felt a sense of relief for the first few days, I now do not know what to do, I want to end the relationship but feel uncomfortable doing so when he’s so unwell, on the other hand I want to give him the opportunity to feel better and maybe acknowledge me and try and fix things?
I haven’t contacted him as respected his wishes for space but could really do with different perspectives please? And advice 😊💜

OP posts:
Rocknrollstar · 31/05/2024 09:06

Let him go. I’m sorry to say but I know of another case like this and it turned out that his idea of ‘space to get better’ meant moving in with someone else. Let him go - put your own mental health first.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/05/2024 09:09

God, embrace the relief you felt and don’t contact him ever again. His illness hasn’t stopped him ending the relationship, though it doesn’t sound like it’s ever been a healthy relationship which serves you well. Ditch the drain on your energy and happiness and go on your merry way. This is a gift. Seize it with both hands and go and find a life that’s worthy of you.

ChookaPooka · 31/05/2024 09:11

Rocknrollstar · 31/05/2024 09:06

Let him go. I’m sorry to say but I know of another case like this and it turned out that his idea of ‘space to get better’ meant moving in with someone else. Let him go - put your own mental health first.

I have a text ready to send with pretty much exactly that, I have to end things for my OWN well-being, I don’t think he’ll move anyone in or move on quickly….famous last words 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
ChookaPooka · 31/05/2024 09:12

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/05/2024 09:09

God, embrace the relief you felt and don’t contact him ever again. His illness hasn’t stopped him ending the relationship, though it doesn’t sound like it’s ever been a healthy relationship which serves you well. Ditch the drain on your energy and happiness and go on your merry way. This is a gift. Seize it with both hands and go and find a life that’s worthy of you.

Thankyou 🙏🏻 this is probably going to sound ridiculous but do you think he’s ended the relationship? He’s never been one to not contact, that’s more like me to take space.

OP posts:
rosaleetree · 31/05/2024 09:14

Rocknrollstar · 31/05/2024 09:06

Let him go. I’m sorry to say but I know of another case like this and it turned out that his idea of ‘space to get better’ meant moving in with someone else. Let him go - put your own mental health first.

Yep- same here. MH issues require understanding and support but they dont mean you can just check out of a relationship and treat others like dirt. MH issues arent an excuse to behave however you want without considering the feelings of the other person. No relationship like that is going to survive.

I would leave OP- you have done everything you possibly could, so comfort yourself with that knowledge and get out. Your MH is just as important and valid as his.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/05/2024 09:15

ChookaPooka · 31/05/2024 09:12

Thankyou 🙏🏻 this is probably going to sound ridiculous but do you think he’s ended the relationship? He’s never been one to not contact, that’s more like me to take space.

No idea but that’s what it looks like. It doesn’t really matter though, you felt relief and that means ending it is the best thing for you!

MonsteraMama · 31/05/2024 09:16

I tend to find that when a man wants "space", the space they require just so happens to be the exact height and width as you. It's a soft breakup, he's just too emotionally constipated to deal with the difficult conversation so he's running away and hoping you'll do it for him.

Time to put yourself first. You've poured so much into this man and it sounds like he's given very little in return. This is a blessing, he's made it easy for you. Let him go and focus on you.

ChookaPooka · 31/05/2024 09:18

Thankyou all so much for your replies….im burying my head in the sand as know full well what I need to do, I feel very uncomfortable ending things when I know he’s unwell but this has been coming for a couple of years now ☹️

OP posts:
rosaleetree · 31/05/2024 09:20

I feel very uncomfortable ending things when I know he’s unwell but this has been coming for a couple of years now ☹️

You dont need to feel this way- he is the one who has distanced himself and gone AWOL. Why are your needs less important than his? Really think about that.

Happyddays · 31/05/2024 09:22

Take it the relationship is OVER.
He has been abusing you. Your children need their mum, even as adults. Protect yourself. Are you in your own home? If not pack and move out asap.
Him ending things is a BLESSING.
Accept it gratefully.
You owe him nothing.

ChookaPooka · 31/05/2024 09:24

rosaleetree · 31/05/2024 09:20

I feel very uncomfortable ending things when I know he’s unwell but this has been coming for a couple of years now ☹️

You dont need to feel this way- he is the one who has distanced himself and gone AWOL. Why are your needs less important than his? Really think about that.

This is something I really have been struggling with, why on earth do I not put what I want first?!? Just a constant guilt and also fear over ending something and being alone ☹️ I know I’m being ridiculous!

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 31/05/2024 09:24

OP.This is the best thing that could have happened, as a pp said he's made the decision for you so just let him go. Now its time for you to concentrate on your own well being and mental health so as to recover from what sounds like an exhausting and unhealthy relationship.

ChookaPooka · 31/05/2024 09:25

Happyddays · 31/05/2024 09:22

Take it the relationship is OVER.
He has been abusing you. Your children need their mum, even as adults. Protect yourself. Are you in your own home? If not pack and move out asap.
Him ending things is a BLESSING.
Accept it gratefully.
You owe him nothing.

Edited

I’m in my own home, all be it in a different county as I moved 45 miles away to be with him, I have been putting plans in place to move back there within the next 6 months regardless of what happens with this situation as I need to be nearer my adult children and my friends 🌟

OP posts:
Rockschooldropout · 31/05/2024 09:25

I’d happily wave him off .. he’s an emotional dementor.. struggling with MH isn’t an excuse to abuse and disrespect people . I guarantee the relationship is over to him already … he’s giving you a get out jail free card … take it

MonsteraMama · 31/05/2024 09:26

Sometimes alone is better. Alone has to be better than pouring your heart and soul into caring for someone and being treated like shit in return. He doesn't deserve you!

rosaleetree · 31/05/2024 09:29

ChookaPooka · 31/05/2024 09:24

This is something I really have been struggling with, why on earth do I not put what I want first?!? Just a constant guilt and also fear over ending something and being alone ☹️ I know I’m being ridiculous!

You arent ridiculous- many women feel the same way because we've been socialised to always put others first. Women should be "nurturing and kind" blah blah but what about you- dont you deserve kindness?

Have a think about what you were told growing up- about how you "should" be, feel and act. I think you'll find those answers there.

Look at this as a positive thing rather than a negative thing- you are now free, you even feel relief!! Thats a good thing and it's a clear sign from within you that this is the right thing to happen. Your future is bright.

ThisWormHasTurned · 31/05/2024 09:39

I know how difficult it is to end things with someone who is struggling with their mental health and yet uses it to abuse you. At one point after we’d split, I was saying how negative he was about things, she said ‘It sounds like he was depressed’ (almost implying I was unreasonable for not helping him) but I explained after several years like that, with him refusing to seek help, I just couldn’t take any more.
Use this ‘space’ as an opportunity to break free. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is testing out life without you. XH made a big song and dance about separating. How upset he was. But his behaviour prior to that had been withdrawn from me, from family activities. I got the impression he would have been happier in a bachelor pad playing video games…but he moved on within a couple of weeks. Met someone else, moved in with her and her DC quickly! So don’t put it past him to move on quickly.
Please use this as an opportunity to break free. Life is too short to be this miserable.

Happyddays · 31/05/2024 10:05

Delighted to read you have your own home to return to. Expdite things if you can. You have gone beyond what many many people would have tolerated.
You owe a man who treats you badly NOTHING.
Try and move away asap. Can you stay with family or friends?

MsLuxLisbon · 31/05/2024 10:17

Aww, you sound so lovely. This asshole does NOT deserve you. Let him clear off, he's not your problem. He will probably try to make some other poor woman's life a misery, which is very sad, but not on you.

Starlight1979 · 31/05/2024 11:15

ChookaPooka · 31/05/2024 09:18

Thankyou all so much for your replies….im burying my head in the sand as know full well what I need to do, I feel very uncomfortable ending things when I know he’s unwell but this has been coming for a couple of years now ☹️

You don't need to end anything @ChookaPooka. He's already ended it! He wanted "space" for a couple of days and 10 days later still hasn't been in touch?!

I'd have to agree with a PP who said I think the mental health card is being played to cover the fact he has met someone else. It's a convenient way to distance himself from the relationship whilst making you feel bad for him (which is exactly what you are doing). Then if all fails with OW, he can come back and say he feels "better" and wants you back and you'll be none the wiser...

ChookaPooka · 31/05/2024 19:47

I did it, I messaged and asked if he was ok, he replied bright and breezy ‘yeah it’s been a good week’ etc etc….i was dumbfounded he was so indifferent.

So I sent the text, explained I didn’t want to do it over text, ‘I wish you the best, for my own well-being I have to end this now, sending love and happiness to you and the kids etc etc’ he replied with ‘thought it was worth more than a text….’ I’ve been ghosted for 11 days and treated pretty horrendously for 4.5 years but it’s still alllllll my fault.

I will be ok, I have a plan, I need to be sad and grieve, can’t believe I’m back at square one again 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2024 19:54

Better to be on your own than to be as badly accompanied as you have been.

Do consider what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up and unlearn the crap through therapy. Give yourself time and space to heal, men like this can further wreck what could be already weakened boundaries here.

Do read Women who love too much by Robin Norwood.

Crikeyalmighty · 31/05/2024 20:03

@ChookaPooka - blimey love it's hard enough when you are married to someone who is a bit up and down and everything is tied up together- if none of that applies - take it that he's done you a favour- I'm sorry if he's unwell but that's not a reason to take it out on you and I'm sorry to say if it's not ended it's likely you will be in for years of this- life's too short

LuckyLinda3 · 31/05/2024 20:07

Yes @ChookaPooka you're right, you need to feel and acknowledge your feelings but you will be ok.
It's hard to walk away after a considerable time together but you deserve to be valued, respected and happy.
Sending hugs

frozendaisy · 31/05/2024 20:28

It might have one time been worthy of more than a text.

But not today.

Have an evening free from the uncertainty of knowing when it was going to be done at least OP