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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not sure what to do

13 replies

Kaity01 · 31/05/2024 08:42

Long story short. My partner dropped bombshell last year which I felt was out of nowhere where he said he wasn't happy that he hadnt been in awhile that i wasnt cleaning enough, didnt want to do anything had no friends. Several things which i felt we could have talked about in a better manner. Said noone else was involved etc. He works away and all of a sudden locked his phone so I was constantly asking what he was hiding. He insisted nothing and nothing was going on between him and his female coworker who he text a lot. I then found out his pass code and he had photos of him and this coworker at the pub her arms around him smiling. Was a few similar. This is what he was hiding. I also found out he snapped her everyday for 4 months which he 'didn't know' he had a streak with her. He also text her a lot and met up with her for drinks a lot at work. He insists hes never been alone with her. He also told me he saw her as a sister and best friend which i can't believe as he never mentioned her personally to me only that he worked with her. Now I have never cared at all about what he does at work and this all threw me for a loop and now I can't stop thinking about what he does. He then lied and said he'd had no contact outside of work and had been lying for months. I found this out too. He promised he would change. I now find myself obsessing over every detail, every interaction he has with his female coworkers and have found lots of instances that i feel he is being too flirty in texts. He insists he's never cheated or emotionally cheated. I know he is a very outgoing person and is nice to everyone but I don't think he sees how he takes it too far by having nicknames etc for people. I don't know how to get past this feeling of betrayal and thinking he's just going to lie to me again. I am constantly trying to find out what hes hiding and its eating away at me inside. I am just sad all the time. I want to get past this I want to trust him again but I don't know how. Just need some advice as i cant talk to anyone about this.

*** Forgot to add he admitted to being in a dark place and says he doesnt know why he has done certain things and still cant explain why and that he was depressed and has addressed this and seems a lot better now.

OP posts:

Eyesopenwideawake · 31/05/2024 08:59

He's having a relationship with her, it couldn't be more obvious.

Even if he wasn't you should end it simply for the " i wasnt cleaning enough" comment. Twat.

Olika · 31/05/2024 09:03

He says he is not happy and talks to you about random things like not cleaning enough... leave him. Pretty sure this co-worker has had impact on his sudden change so he can go and be with her.

frozendaisy · 31/05/2024 09:08

So he's out, drinking, hugging, snap chatting, messaging all because he is in a bad place and you get "do more cleaning"

And you want to stay with him because OP?

frozendaisy · 31/05/2024 09:09

He sounds awful OP, not a catch. You are being a doormat and driving yourself nuts.

Leave find a better life.

Original poster

Kaity01 · 31/05/2024 09:12

We have a family and it has been 10 months since he said that. At the time i think after 15 yrs we were both just going through the motions. We definitely comunicate better now. He works in mining so everyone stays in a camp and drinks after work or at the pub he is gone a week at a time so the atmosphere is very different. He has said he can see my point of view on certain things and i believe he would never physically cheat on me. I just want to move on from feeling like this.

OP posts:

Eyesopenwideawake · 31/05/2024 09:17

But you've discovered him lying He then lied and said he'd had no contact outside of work and had been lying for months. I found this out too. so why you believe him now.

What do you want to happen, ideally?

pinkdelight · 31/05/2024 09:21

Hard to move on from feeling like this if the trust isn't there, and it seems justified that the trust isn't there as it's pretty clear he was up to something. Him 'insisting' (when you know he lies) and you believing he wouldn't/didn't cheat is at odds with the classic cheating behaviour and your own gut feeling, which is why you're obsessing. You're making yourself believe one thing because you want to and you have a family, but the truth is you believe something else and don't want to deal with it because then you might have to really move on. It won't help that he's not admitting anything and coming up with this guff about his 'dark place' and not knowing why he did things. He doesn't trust you with who he really is either.

I think you know what's going on and what to do but you don't want to do it. Get counselling together as a first step or it will just keep eating away at you. If he won't participate in that, then that says a lot and go get it for yourself. You can't keep on like this or in another 15 years you'll be having to split up in a much worse state.

Original poster

Kaity01 · 31/05/2024 09:36

Yes i get what your saying and i do agree i need to talk to someone. I guess what makes me think he didnt is he keeps saying it would be easier if i did cheat. The keeping in contact was just work texts as he has a very high up job where he has to deal with a lot of diffrrent departments but he was just dishonest as he said it was easier to lie about it then me get upset/angry. I am no saint i am constantly at him and bring up the past all the time. Im honestly surprised he still wants to stay with how i can be at times.

OP posts:

Olivia2495 · 31/05/2024 09:47

You might not know this but a lot of cheaters describe their affair partner as like a brother or sister. It’s a red flag statement. Your marriage is over. It really is and it’s best you accept it. As a pp pointed out, he gets to enjoy himself while telling you to clean more.

Purplecatshopaholic · 31/05/2024 09:50

Oh come on op, raise your bar, you are worth more than this. He is a lying cheat and you know it. Dump him. I know it’s not easy, I have been there. But it’s worth it!

pinkdelight · 31/05/2024 09:55

Kaity01 · 31/05/2024 09:36

As before, you know he lies so can't set any store by what he says. "It would be easier if I had cheated" is a fairly standard thing to say to put them blame on the other person for imagining things and make themselves the victim. You're on at him about the past because of what he did and you're meant to be grateful that he puts up with you putting up with him. Sorry, it sounds awful.

Olivia2495 · 31/05/2024 11:24

You’ve had the whole predictable script from him being unhappy, locking his phone to a secret female friend who’s suddenly like a sister. You’ve also had what’s known as trickle truth, only admitting to what you can prove. Unless one of them have left that workplace the chances are it’s still ongoing. And even if it isn’t the chances are they’ll be another affair because they’re addictive.

You're living with a liar and in time that will take its toll physically and mentally.

Everythingiscalmfornow · 31/05/2024 13:26

So sorry OP but he is obviously having an affair with this woman.

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