New mum needs relationship advice

[JJLondon]

Really in need of advice. I had my son 6 months ago and his dad, my finance, has been pretty hands off. He works long hours in the week so I understand there's not much he can do to help there, but at weekends or holidays he doesn't do a lot either.

I wouldn't mind so much about that, it's that he gets very funny if I suggest going out with friends or needing a few hours to myself. This evening was my bosses leaving dinner and he's known about it for weeks. Just before I was about to start getting ready I ask if he's sure it's OK I go, he says he's not comfortable and wants me to stay. I'm disappointed and upset by this but he says it's unfair on him to make him feel guilty about it. Queue the entire evening either arguing or sitting in silence, not what I needed after having been in hospital this afternoon having a colposcopy and loop excision.

I'm so angry at him, am I overreacting?

No you are not overreacting.

Unfortunately you are another in a long line of posters on MN who have had babies with a useless man.
Your only decision now is what do you do about it.

No of course you're not overreacting. He sounds like another deadbeat Dad/ partner (and there are many similar posts on here) who is guilt tripping you over having to baby sit his own child. Your mistake here was asking him if it was OK for you to go when it was obviously already agreed.You don't need his permission, it's his baby too!

Sounds like he's being a bit of a prick tbh.

I'm a dad & also worked long hours & was knackered, but did my share, it's not the 1950s! mums evenings out & a weekend day off are really important, is isolating & hard being with a baby 24/7 a decent partner knows this & does their bit.

Personally I didn't cook as I'm crap & hated it, so was one of the few things that I didn't do much other than occasionally, but nappy changes night feeds household chores washing & hovering etc no probs.

Hope you're feeling better after your hospital appointment now OP.

He's prob just scared of having such a tiny person solely relying on him for a few hours. He needs to man up and stop being scared.

I'm sure you had a moment holding your baby and thinking shit what do I do now, how will I manage, should I be doing something just now instead of just sitting here holding the baby, how will I know when to feed/change etc, is the baby still breathing.... I think most people do!

But you just get on with it and learn as you go because you have no choice.

He on the other hand seems to think he has a choice.

Being uncomfortable is a right of passage. Once he bonds it'll be a lot easier for him but the only way is to be hands on and face your fear.

He needs to put his big boy pants on and take a turn at caring for the person he created instead of wimping out.

So this weekend his homework is to become more involved and learn how to do stuff. In whatever way he feels most able. Who cares how it happens just as long as it does.

It's an important lesson he needs to be taught or he's going to be handing the baby over to you 24/7 and do bugger all. That can't be allowed to start so get him told that he needs to pull his weight at the weekend so you both have some down time.

I think you need some support developing assertiveness. Asking him if it's ok to go? You don't need his permission to go out he doesn't ask yours - you didn't need to ask the most you needed to offer was asking him if he's ok and he needs any help with a list of what to do is the most you needed to offer.

Are you a bit frightened of how he'd react if you were more assertive?

He is being a twat, but at the same time you enable it by almost asking him permission. Try rephrasing it to sound like you are informing him ‘so remember I am out tonight- enjoy your boys night in’.
Sorry but if you had to go to hospital overnight he would HAVE to cope.

I cannot see the problem in you having a well deserved night out?! He is Bri g very unreasonable. Don’t let him treat you like a doormat

He's prob just scared of having such a tiny person solely relying on him for a few hours. He needs to man up and stop being scared.

Their baby is 6 months old - not a newborn. He does nothing at weekends or on holidays.
He is fucking useless.

He was 50% responsible for making the baby so he has 50% parental responsibility.

I'd not have double checked, just ignored his complaints and enjoyed my night out.

Was he like this before baby. Could this be possessive and trust issue rather than lazy, which imo is actually worse.

Thank you all for your replies, I've read them all several times over. I do really struggle to be assertive @Unexpectedlysinglemum but I wouldn't say I'm scared of how he'd react if I changed. More that I just want to avoid an argument. I definitely need to tell him rather than asking and change the way I phrase things.

In one of the arguments last night I said so does this mean you're not going to your gig on Saturday night and he said it would be spiteful to ask him to cancel.

Again that's a control thing. He knows you want to be a fair and kind person and avoid being 'spiteful' so he weaponizes that.

When he said he 'wasn't comfortable' with you going out did he explain exactly what he was uncomfortable about OP? Was it looking after DC solo, or you being out 'on the town', or something else? None of the possible reasons make his reaction ok btw, just trying to work out which kind of dickhead he is.

Just before I was about to start getting ready I ask if he's sure it's OK I go

He isn't your dad. Why are you giving him so much power over you?

So it's unfair of you to make him feel guilty for asking you to stay home, but he's allowed to make you feel guilty for asking if he's still going out on Saturday? Such obvious double standards.

I think you need to have a serious conversation and tell him he needs to be more hands on with the baby, and you need your time to yourself. In the future, if you've already agreed to some time to yourself, don't double check with him if it's okay.

If he's really reluctant to step up to his parental responsibilities, you might need to reconsider your future with him. But for now, make it clear that he really isn't doing enough and there's going to need to be some changes.

@Blackbeardsvest it was that he wasn't comfortable looking after our little man. He's teething at the moment and woke up screaming in pain the other night, he was worried he'd do that while I was out and he wouldn't be able to calm him down. Which like you said, still isn't OK.

He just cant see the double standards of it being OK for him to leave me flying solo on Saturday so he can go out. Apparently I'm spiteful for even bringing it up and he's the reasonable one because he apologised first... I don't see I had anything to apologise for!