He wanted children, I don't.

[misspenelopie]

I met an amazing man online a few months ago. We had an amazing connection from the start but I've always kept grounded because I have 2 young children and didn't want to dive head first in to anything without being sure it was right.

He told me he was falling for me pretty quickly, within a couple of weeks, this scared me and he saw it and he slowed it right down from that point.
We've been seeing each other for 6 months now, I know, for me, he is the perfect man. I have zero doubts, he's been nothing short of amazing and patient and kind, held my hand through all my wobbles and has respected my pace.

A huge issue for me is that when I met him he said he really wanted a family of his own, I have 2 children (5&7) and have had multiple miscarriages along the way. I'm 37 now and while I'm not opposed to having another baby, I don't think I can cope with the heartache that is likely to come with it. He's known from day 1 that I do not want to have any more children, he thinks it's a hard no, I haven't told him I'd like one but can't face it, I think that would get his hopes up and until I'm confident, I don't want to put that idea on the table for him.

He is now saying he doesn't care about a child of his own, he wants me, he's choosing me and can't imagine walking away from me to risk trying to find someone to have a child with and then never comparing to me and regretting losing me. He's 40, so time isn't exactly on his side to meet someone and have a child, he's been single for 6 years and says he doesn't want to be alone again. He said there's no guarentees he'd leave me and have a child with someone else and it isn't worth the risk. He's adamant that I'm enough and nothing is worth losing me over.

I'm struggling with it, struggling to believe he really means it and that he won't, in a year, 2 years time when my children have met him (they haven't met him at all yet) and become attached to him decide actually he does want a child and leaves. I couldn't cope with that.

I don't know if I'm overthinking, panicking over nothing. Whether I should take him at face value and believe him or just walk away now.

He's perfect for me, but i don't feel perfect for him end he tries so hard to convince me and never tires of my wobbles.

Any words of wisdom to help me navigate this?

I think you should just be honest. If you are going to become committed to this man, it is good to start with total honesty. Maybe specify that actually you're open minded to having more children but explain your experience of miscarriages and how mentally and physically taxing they have been on you. It is very soon to be rushing into having kids though, so that you'd need to see how things go and how he manages with the children you already have. It's a huge decision. People can seem perfect in the honeymoon period and then end up showing their true colours as time goes on. It's such early days. I get that you're both at an age where you can't hang about too long on the child front but you still may have quite a bit of time. Maybe just discuss things openly and keep it as an option. Focus on your relationship first though.

If he's said he's chosen you; why don't you believe him? I think you're massively over thinking it. If you spend your whole life worrying about the 'what ifs' you'd never allow yourself to be happy! What if, just imagine, it all works out? This man sounds lovely; as a fellow self sabotag-er, I know this is easier said than done.

When I first met my now husband, he said he wanted children. I was very clear from the start that I didn't want children, ever.

His sister had a baby not long before we got married; I think he had quite a rose tinted view of what having kids is like. He soon changed his mind! We've been happily married for 5 years.

Why would he give up a real life, sounds like a very good relationship with you for non existent child that he now says he doesn't want?

I think that by age 40 he knows what he wants and he wants you. Stop overthinking, and get therapy if you're the type to sabotage yourself. And tell him the whole truth. If you envision a lifetime with this man, then you have to start trusting him.

I cannot for the life of me understand why women put themselves in this situation.
Do you really think that you are so very special that you can deny a man a chance to have a family of his own?
Women that already have children and then go on to pursue men that have yet to experience their own family, then complain about the complexities of the situation, are either downright stupid or just plain selfish.
Sooner or later he will grow to resent you no matter what he says. Set him free and allow him the chance to have a family of his own, and set your sights on someone with more equal life experience to your self.ie baggaged up!

If she thought she was ‘so very special’ she wouldn’t be worried and asking other people.

OP if you think he’s the one I’d be honest with yourself about wether you REALLY want a baby, or wether you just want to keep this man, and if you want to be open to a baby discuss it with him and see how he reacts.

@misspenelopie just to add a different spin to some replies, I’ve been in your partners shoes. I was with a man who had kids who didn’t want more. We had a relationship that lasted a few years, and I contemplated shutting that door to be with him but as time ticked on there was this voice that got louder and louder. I ended up leaving him because even though I loved him very much, I didn’t want to shut that door on children. I haven’t met anyone else yet and if I don’t that’s fine. But at least I won’t have any what ifs. So all I can say is, I wouldn’t end the relationship over this but there’s no guarantee he won’t change his mind. But then again, there’s no guarantee with any relationship.

@Confusionn I haven't pursued him, quite the opposite actually. In the early days I encouraged him to continue daring and have given him every opportunity to leave. I don't have him locked up in my bedroom.

I have been honest about my experience of miscarriage, he knows they're my reasons and his response was that he didn't want to see me have to go through that again.

He sounds much more invested in you than you are in him in all honesty.

How can he say that he loves you so much, when he has not met your children yet ?

Because she is not her children? Loving someone doesn’t necessarily mean things will work as a blended family, but he’s allowed to love her nonetheless!

@BunkerHome certainly has a point.

I'm not saying you have to immediately introduce him to your kids OP but it's a whole different dynamic, you and your kids together than just the 2 of you.

You have to see how they take to him and see if he can deal with a family. For a 40-yr-old bachelor the reality will be different than his dream.
Certainly don't talk babies before doing this.

Wish you all the best.

It's only been 6 months and your lives are not entwined, so you can't really know you love someone until you've experienced the daily grind together and still work well and respect each other. At the moment, you see the best bits of each other, it's the infatuation 'in love' stage, not the respectful long-term love that is ultimately required.
It's your own attitude that's holding you back, in reality you have nothing to lose by just seeing how it goes. It's not helpful to have a dramatic outlook towards relationships where you "couldn't cope" if things didn't work out. Why do you feel that is? Have you not taken the time to build an independent solid life on your own? Were you not doing fine on your own before you met him? Did you date too soon after a relationship to develop your independence, maybe?
I think anyone is unwise to date until they are at a point where they know they will always be OK on their own if needs be. Anything less is what leads to people putting up with awful relationships through fear of being alone and being treated like crap. You should always enter these things knowing you are fine on your own, have your own friends and family as support, and that a partner enhances your life but does not become your entire life - that just leads to trouble.
If you are not there yet, if you feel the world will come to an end if a relationship does, don't have one, as you're not ready, it's simple. Or carry on, get over yourself, because the world keeps turning even though a relationship can end.

I agree that his words are all very well, but since he hasn't even met your DC yet it's too early to be making such grand statements. Your DC could hate him/reject him/make living together as a family impossible, or just make him long for his own. ATM, you're in the honeymoon phase - you're right at the start of your relationship and until he meets your kids you're not giving him a realistic picture of your life and your potential life together. So I'd take all his adoring words with a pinch of salt. He seems desperate to not be alone, but you come as a package of three and he's only met 1/3 of you so far!

I think it’s much too early in the relationship for him to know he is happier with you than taking the risk of being with someone else and having a child with them. You haven’t even lived together and he and your children might not even get on.

He’s 40, so realistically he could still have a decade or more to find someone as long as she is able.

I don't think you should have continued the relationship from the moment you realised you had such opposing views on something so fundamental. I would end things now.

It's only 6 months. Please don't throw all caution to the wind and jeopardise any of your future security because he seems perfect at this (relatively) early stage, before you know whether he can fit with your existing family.

@misspenelopie how did all this progress? I'm further along than you, late 40s and my partner also wants his own kids but i don't. Very difficult situation. Mine is 50.