I want to whistle blow on my abusive ex

[Knackerednow2019]

Please give me your advice. I am so sick of being silenced. I cannot sleep, I am in trauma and I have had so much therapy but still raging and I want to blow the whistle on my ex.

He promised me when my son was little that one day my son would love him more. Doesn't matter what you do, he said. My husband was a narcissist and an abuser. He made my life hell behind the scenes and was endlessly charming and gracious to others, in public. He raped me, humiliated me, screamed in my face when I was pregnant, ran down the stairs with my newborn son in his hand, "to see if he could", told my little girl (from a previous relationship) she looked "hot" in her school uniform and constantly said weird things. Then pretended I had imagined them all.

This man nearly killed me, as did getting out. When I told him I was concerned he was attracted to children because of how he was behaving he told me "you married me. If I am a pedophile what does that make you?" Which one therapist called a tacit confession. it made me too ashamed to speak to anyone else.

He has a huge family and - though my son doesn't remember the abuse - my son likes being part of that. And it contains some good people. But some of his family know what he was like; and I'm sure my ex's friends did too; but nobody would help me. He would pretend to be nice when they were around. And I kept things secret from others because I was ashamed. I couldn’t stop crying and had a total breakdown that lasted 10 years. I had an abusive upbringing you see, and I was convinced by him it was all my fault. That I was crazy.

I don’t know if he ever abused my daughter and she doesn’t either. She has memories she hasn’t delved into yet because it is too hard. But he stared at her. And made comments that he said were just slips of the tongue. And he demanded the right to bathe her and got very angry when I walked in. The final straw was when my girl wrote in her notepad: he is a pedophile, he gives me the bad feelings the teachers talk about”. I left him when I found that.

I don’t need judgements about why I didn’t leave earlier because he convinced me I was insane. That’s what happens when you are completely alone and doubting your own sanity - you don’t make the same decisions that you can make when you’re in a good place. I even asked my daughter’s dad and my parents for help, and everyone liked my ex too much to help.

Many times I woke up in the morning after taking tablets and alcohol and I was surprised to be alive. I was mentally unwell and alone and isolated. When I made a single friend, a younger woman, he accused me of "cradle snatching". When I cried and said I was suicidal he pushed my head towards his crotch and told me "put a cock in it". My therapist gave me the strength to leave eventually.

i was so relieved when we divorced. I hadn’t factored in that I would be entirely alone with my kids and no help - but I got through it. And I never told anyone what he was like in order to protect my kids. My daughter has never seen him since, but for my son’s sake - because the therapist told me it was important - I let my son continue to have a relationship with his father. For context my ex hadn’t done anything bad to his son for some years - he was immature and said stupid things, but mostly took my son to see his in laws. And my son told me he was desperate for male role models. I have nobody in my family.

But now my ex has moved on, and he is with another woman who has a daughter. The waters have closed around his behaviour. He gives my 18 year old a lot of money and my son has gone to live with him. Everyone thinks he is Mr Charming. My son says he is better now because he has had therapy and he has a reputation for being incredibly chill and laid back. This is the same man who called my daughter a thief for helping herself to a glass of orange, who deliberately locked a puppy out of the house near a main road to punish my daughter for leaving a towel on the floor, who tried to pull my little boy’s legs straight when he was newborn because he said he was a freak, and made us walk on eggshells for years for fear of his rage.

It's absolutely heartbreaking and although my son knows things have happened in the past I have always tried to protect him - and my daughter (even if that meant I never left them alone with him). I decided I would tell him the truth when he was 18 and let him make his own mind up. But my daughter doesn’t want me to burden my son. She feels he needs his father. So it is painful to continue to keep my ex's secrets, to have to live with this pain.

Despite his happy relationship I do not believe this man is a reformed character. I hear that now he just makes people cry at work instead so he has simply reversed his pattern of abuse. The injustice of it is agonising. I am sick of being quiet and keeping secrets while my ex and his new partner mock me to my son and otherwise pretend I don't exist (we have no contact). And I miss my son. So much it hurts.

My ex husband is planning a major party at which I hear his new partner is doing a slide show on the things that make him a good father (showing photos of my son when he was little that I remember being taken because I was standing there, my heart in my mouth as I watched like a hawk to keep my son safe). My ex similarly made me do a slide show about him 20 years ago. Typical narcissist also had a quiz about himself. Before he had his own child. What he did to my daughter has been swept under the carpet. And this is keeping me awake at night. I feel filled with such injustice. I don’t feel I can be friends with the family members anymore who know what he was like to me but say nothing.

I feel like it's time to blow the whistle and let people know exactly who this man is. And what he is capable of. But how do I do that and continue to protect my kids? Too many abusers get away with things because the victims can't or don't speak out. I don’t know how to live with this injustice anymore. It is making me sick.

This is a very complex situation. On one hand, you suffered a great deal and your daughter may discover a hidden memory that may force her to bring things to light eventually. Who knows what went on behind closed doors if he was of that nature. On the other hand, your kids are grown up and your son has a good relationship with his dad who is supporting him. So I understand why your daughter doesn't want you to mess things up for him. It is very difficult.

I think the fact his new partner has a young daughter, that would be my concern.

My mum dated a man for awhile who made comments about my sister when she was 10. He suggested something very rude one night and my mum made him leave immediately, the first time he said it. Apparently he showed very few signs before. He always complimented her, said he liked to watch her twirl in her dress, invite her and her friend to join my mum and him for dinner, and would offer to pick her up from school and always rang my mum asking if she had a good day at school. My mum just took this that he was trying to be a father figure to her as she has no relationship with her own dad. She thought he was just bonding with her. Until that night he was in a sexual situation with my mum and then out of the blue he asked my mum if he could "see her". It completely shocked my mum and she made him leave her house.
Mum rang the police and the police just said that they can't do anything about it. Unless he acted upon what he said, they have nothing to go on. They told my mum it's more common that women actually take these men back. My mum said she absolutely would not be taking him back. Basically without evidence of an actual action, they couldn't do anything she was told and they never even spoke to him. Which to me is shocking. I thought he would at least get a warning.

And this man is charming, everyone loves him, he is very popular. I met him as he invited me to the theatre, he was very attentive so I can see why my mum fell for him. Has grown up daughters that are close to him so my mum trusted him (although one isn't at all close to him she later found out, makes you wonder why knowing now that he feels that way about kids). He has a great reputation in the local town. Like your ex possibly. They are clever in what they do.
Since their breakup he claimed going to therapy and he harassed my mum with letters and phonecalls. He told my mum his therapist wants to speak to her and tell her that he isn't at fault and he didn't mean what he said. He sometimes even randomly messages me, years later, just to check on my mum.

He also told my mum he "knows people" and also admitted to fighting with his ex wife. He spoke in quite a threatening way to my mum once the charm disappeared. We believe he is fearful that she will leak his secret to the local area. She hasn't because she feels she did enough by contacting the police. She isn't a gossip and is a quiet reserved person who didn't want anything to do with him once she discovered his secret. She doesn't want the trouble.

Still. What do you do? What do you feel is right in your gut? He may never have touched your daughter. But he might have. He may never touch the woman's daughter, but he may do. If you have to get this out in the open then consider every option and possibility. His new partner might just not believe you and ignore you. He might completely brand you as a liar and use his charm to dismiss your claims. If you feel it is right to talk, then do it. Write out everything you remember and figure out where to go with it.

Accusing you of cradle snatching by befriending a younger woman is ridiculous. It was his way of projecting on to you his own insecurities, cause he knows deep down his feelings towards kids are wrong. So he had to find a way to drag you into this. Manipulation. He's a nasty piece of work. You escaped at least.

There may be a time to share some of this information with your ds. But agree with your dd that the time isn’t now.

I think you need to speak to your son before he has children of his own, because any grandchildren may be at risk.

I think your dd gets the decision on whether to report him to the police.

If you're not thinking of the police, I don't know that just telling people will get the result you want, people are prone to defending abusers especially if they're charmers.

Oh actually, sorry, I missed that he raped you. I'm so sorry. 💐

You could consider reporting his abuse of you. If you do take that path, please make sure you have support from Rape Crisis and/or counselling.

If you think his new partner' daughter is in danger you should say something. I don't know if they would believe you and might just see you as the vindictive ex. He has probably portrayed you like this as narcissistic abusive people tend to do. If you did it anonymously it's not ideal but maybe the mum might keep a closer eye out if she was warned?
There is little point whistle blowing on him for any other reason, you won't get the validation you seek from the people around him. Your son will hopefully realise what he is like soon enough. Just focus on your own healing and mental health, that's all you can do really.

I wouldn't Op.

He will have even more ammunition to feed whoever is still in awe of him, they do that you know. 10 years after my exH did uncanny similar things to myself his then wife contacted me via FB to ask if the things that were circling about my ex were true, unfortunately he had done worse things to her. She called me to ask if how I divorced the ex as she needed advice.

What I am saying is your ex will undoubtedly fall from his narc grace high chair and there will not be any celebration by anyone, people who are subjected to abuse by narcs are those who have years of therapy, while the narc just seems to skip into the sunset unscathed.

Keep working on yourself, leave this man to it.
If you attempt to say anything about him it will be turned against you somehow, they always manage to twist things.

I am so sorry you have endured so much at the hands of this man.

I think there’s a big difference between whistle blowing and reporting ( unless I’ve totally misunderstood what you want to do.
Whistleblowing —telling his family of his behaviour. Might make them mock you, rant at you, call you a liar. All bad for your mental health.
Reporting him to the police for his abuse and rape is, imo, a more positive thing to do. You tell the police all the facts and then it’s up to them to investigate and possibly prosecute.
He may be your son’s father but he’s also an abusive rapist and even tho this might upset him to learn safer he knows now than when he has children of his own.
It’s also possible he’s known to police , has been reported by other women and your evidence builds a stronger case.

I’m so sorry you’ve had these awful experiences and the worry that he may have harmed your daughter. I hope you both have support.

I think if your daughter has potentially been abused it's on her if she wants to report. I would focus on supporting my daughter and letting her know that you'll listen if she wants to tell you anything about her childhood and you'll believe her. And also tell her how much therapy helps you and suggest she goes to it.

I agree I would tell my son once he's getting towards grandfather age.

The bath thing gives me the chills and I will always have a boundary that no boyfriend does bath or bedtime with my child (not blaming you. Just saying so that anyone with young children picks up on that).

Ps you have every right to report the domestic abuse and rape he perpetrated to you. If would also mean that this would show up if any partners did a Claire's law.