Please help, no judgement

[Unhappysugar]

This is gunna be long, bear with me.
So I posted a few weeks ago about leaving long term partner of 22 years. We have 4 children, 16, 14, 12 and 7. I don’t love him anymore, he over the years has been possessive, accusing me of things I have not done, stopped me going out, regularly goes through my phone and tracks me location wen am out via my phone. Sound worse that it is we have a tacking app on our teenagers and this is what he uses.
4 weeks ago I told him it was over, oh has not left the family home, and has everyday begged for a chance to make it work, I have stuck to my plan and told him repeatedly there is no going forward for us.
Now for no judgement, in the last few weeks I have been speaking to another man, we have met several times, chatted, hugged and kissed nothing more. Before I told my ex it was over I had only flirted a bit with this man. He is kind and patient and says he will wait for me to sort my life out, I have developed feelings for this man.
On Tuesday evening my oh manages to get hold of my phone and stupidly I had not deleted a message from this man. The message talked about our feelings about each other. Oh very irate got our children out of bed, telling them what I have done, screaming shouting, and phoned my 70 year old mum who lives an hour away screaming at her what i had done. Since then oh has changed between asking for us to try again, i really don’t want to, and being nasty to me. I took the children out alone and answered any questions they had to try and make the situation better, but they really didn’t have my thing to say.
He has told the children I have slept with this man, I have not, while I was out of they house, he has had some type of chat with them about me and they do not want to speak to me. He has been to this other man’s workplace twice to try and “chat” to him, he has not seen him.
I don’t no where to turn, I can’t up and leave my children, our house is mortgaged in my name only, so cannot go rent somewhere, and I feel things at home are just going to get worse. I no I made a mistake meeting this man, and I hold
my hands up. But I do genuinely have feelings for him.
thanks for reading

How did you meet the OM and how did your husband know where he worked? Is it someone you both know?

Your ex husband has no right whatsoever to be tracking your phone or commenting on your new relationships. You've dumped him.
Repeatedly tell him to leave. Give him a couple of weeks to get his shit together, then on the day of reckoning you'll be changing the locks.
If he still won't move you can tell the police your controlling ex is refusing to leave YOUR house.
How pathetic of him to rant at your mum. Maybe you should ring his mum and tell her he's a controlling dick who needs a roof over his head?
Do not rush into things with the new guy. It's easily done when he seems so different to your ex. But getting serious with him very quickly might not be the best plan.

If your partner is not your husband, and the house/mortgage is in your name, then you tell him firmly to leave. You do not tolerate him shouting, screaming in your children's home. Have you been paying the mortgage all this time?

You report your partner's obsessive behaviour - tracking you, visiting this man's work, screaming at your elderly mother - to the police.

You call Woman's Aid and ask for advice.

Your children are old enough to decide who they want to live with - except the youngest, but a court is most unlikely to split the children up. Who is the primary carer?

Also, slow down on the relationship with another man. You are unhappy, on the rebound. Do not rush in to anything. You need to end one relationship properly before you start another.

This. If it's your house with mortgage in your name and you're not married, give him notice to leave. If he won't, call the police

Other man works close by to where we live, we started talking casually as bumped into each other quite a lot. We are not married and the house is in my name
only. I don’t no where he would go if I kicked him out, he has no family or fried he could stay with.
Am really scared what is going to come
next

So there’s a few things here.

I think a woman whose long term partner told her it was over, would be encouraged to try and find out if there was a OW. And would be encouraged to tell the kids and not hide what their partner had done from his family. And they would be encouraged to find their anger. I don’t think it’s always good advice and this is the reason why. But it’s not surprising.

The problem is if his behaviour keeps escalating you must keep yourself safe. If his behaviour continues you may need external support. I

If the house is in your name only can you make him leave. However, if he has been paying towards the mortgage, deposit or paid for work on the house there could be a small chance he could have a claim on any equity.

I appreciate in your head the relationship was probably over before you met the other man. But let’s be honest, the OM was the catalyst for telling him it’s over. Most people would consider it cheating and would see it as their business if this happened to them.

But also you need to take a big step back from this man. You don’t know really know him, it’s quite likely that the reality of having a relationship with someone with 4 kids, a reactive ex and long list of issues to sort isn’t as fun apt enjoyable as it seemed when it was illicit. You could be heading into a lot of heartbreak. And you must keep your kids out of it for a fairly long period. They don’t need this.

Take it step by step. I would be tempted to find out the position on the house and get him out asap. If it’s over it’s over. But expect him to fight you every step of the way.

With this change in his anger, and yes he can be angry and hurt with you, but dragging the kids, your mum, man's work into everything is deranged

Not married, mortgage in your name, you can get him out of the house. You might need help.

He has lost control over you, his house he probably thinks is his, so be calm and firm.

It's over he needs to leave you can discuss a fair financial settlement, if he has paid towards the mortgage you should perhaps offer a fair buying out figure etc but you are not willing to discuss anything financial, it will be all financial in his mind until there is space between you and he has calmed the fuck down.

At least now your mum should completely understand why you are leaving. And your kids will in time.

He is not doing himself any favours here.

But you need him out of the house. He needs a placement of his own he can share parenting with you. This is what is going to happen so the calmer and quicker it does the better for your children. I mean the 16 year old doing GCSEs perhaps with a ranting dad how is that going to help? Sort of indicates he only thinks of himself

You can't go to war with him until at least the summer holidays tempting as it might be.

What has he paid towards the house?

Does he work?
You could offer an olive branch and offer to pay a deposit on a flat. He will need a 3 bed to see the kids.

Basically throw money at the problem but you need him out. Deal with this just this and the kids.

He is deranged you will need back up.

I honestly want to answer but you said no judgement

He is abusive and aggressive, tell him to leave. Your house, your rules.

have some time on your own before getting to know someone else.

The most important thing here is the children, and that they are supported in maintaining a relationship with both parents.

Can you afford to stay in the house on your own? If so, I'd tell him it's time for him to look for somewhere to live near enough to sustain contact with the kids. I'd also consider agreeing for him to take some of the family money (if you share) to pay the deposit, first months rent, furnishing whatever.

If you can't afford the house on your own, sell the house and give him whatever you think is fair (if he has paid towards the home during your relationship) to help him set up nearby.

Don't enter discussions with him about your new relationship at all. Keep everything centered around the children. He seems to have already forgotten about their welfare which is why he's filling their heads with his speculation and using them to punish you.

He has paid towards the mortgage and repairs to the house, and I don’t expect him to walk away with nothing. OH is self employed joiner, and earns a good wage.
user 14833 feel free to reply x

I'm betting the other man will run as far away as possible from you now.

If a man had written your post he would be roasted alive on here

So you are expecting him to move out, through choice, before that’s sorted? would you move out in the same circumstances?

If he is abusive then take the steps you need protect yourself.

But in situations where the house equity or finances needs to be settled people often don’t move out until then.

I would start looking at what you think is ‘fair’, what you can afford and start getting the finances in place. Telling him it’s over and he needs to move out without making any move towards it, isn’t moving things forward. It’s not taking any steps forward towards what you want.

It sounds like you just want him to go away so you can’t start your new life asap with the new man asap. Which is a huge mistake, for you and the kids.

Why should he leave the house?
Do you both own it?
If you have decided you’re relationship has ended, that of course is your choice.
But on that basis, you should be the one to move out unless it’s your house.

@K8ate she owns the house. But even if they owned it together, why does it have to be the person that ends the relationship that moves out? Surely it should be the person who isn't going to be the resident parent, so that the children can remain in the home if possible?

Oh kick him the fuck out already and change the locks. Jesus.

This!!

OK so you know you shouldn't have spoken to this new guy so soon.
You know you should of been more careful to not let STBX see your messages to him
But that's all in the past - you can't change that now.

Unfortunately - your ex is always going to think you were actually having an affair. The truth of the situation probably matters little TBH. Obviously its appalling he has told the children all about your "affair" and also to phone your Mum about it.

It sounds like you have been living with at best a controlling man at worst a narcissist. Your suspicions are right and I suspect his behaviour will only get worse not better.

As it's solely your house I think you need to tell him to leave. Either be kind and give him a deadline to move out (and stick to it) or just change the locks and arrange to forward his belongings once he has somewhere to stay. It is not your responsibility to find him somewhere. Also - you can't control how he's reacting to the break up. That's all him.

One the dust has settled you can sit down with your children and talk about why you split. But for now you just answer the essential questions as honestly and age appropriate way as you can. reassure them that the split is not their fault an that you love them and you will always be there for them.

Good Luck