Am I being oversensitive?

[Leonora181]

I got divorced five years ago when my dc were very young. Exh was an unpleasant bully but often charming when needed. Dm never really saw him as an issue, it was hard to explain difficulties with his behaviour as it was behind closed doors.

I dont see my dm often and not involved day to day in lives. Obviously she was aware of divorce and that I would try to co parent as amicably as possible, which has been relatively successful.

Over the years I have asked her please not to be involved with exh as I was uncomfortable with it, due to his often unpleasant behaviour towards me (rude, belittling etc). She seemed reluctant to stop contact, even if it was just the occasional telephone chat or text message.

This week in a call to me she asked me whether exh would like to bring my sons to a cricket weekend, staying in a hotel with her and her friends, because the boys may enjoy the cricket (they like cricket but when I asked them previously they weren't very fussed), she knows that's exh weekend with the boys not mine so I wouldn't be able to come.

I had to explain again that I really would prefer she doesn't have contact with exh (she has no reason to, not even local) I have also remarried! Again I had to reiterate exh unpleasant behaviour, read out his bullying/swearing at me texts (as example) and the fact I'll be visiting her with her grandsons a few weeks later.

Am I overly sensitive in wanting her to stop contact and stop asking for it (even if only occasional) it feels like she's just not listening and expecting me to keep getting upset and re explain why I want a distance from him? To me it seems wrong that she'd be happy to spend a weekend with a man who treats her daughter badly?

Nb the boys are fine, he's an OK but not perfect dad.

I think you are being oversensitive on this.
And a bit controlling.

She is not really maintaining a relationship of her own - she did not invite Ex herself. That might have been a little overstepping.

But getting angry because she wanted her g-son to attend a sporting weekend - sport that you say g-son likes - you can’t seriously fault her for that. She isn’t plotting to conspire with your Ex.
In your mind - it is about you. But in reality - for her - she is hoping to do something for her grandchild.. It happens to be his father’s weekend, but so what. Father exists and you coparent.

I really support you here. Its absolutely creepy that your mother continues to treat your ex like a son in law. Im all for civility between exes and former in laws but he has behaved badly to you and is not a good person.

It is NOT controlling to want your own mother to stay out of the way of your ex husband who was also abusive.

I think it is in the children's best interests that friendly relationships are maintained.

No, it's not unreasonable to expect your mother to have your back.

I think it's very odd of her to offer to take him and the children away and her to maintain contact like this. There's being civil, but this is far beyond what you'd expect.

Does your relationship with your mum historically have her favouring others over you and being dismissive of your feelings?

My gran had a habit of picking outsiders over family, it was quite odd and felt like keeping us in our place somehow.

Appreciated for the replies. I find tricky to think that not coming to the cricket weekend would be an issue as she's going with friends, I had politely declined and suggested we travel to her another weekend.

She doesnt need contact with exh as she sees grandsons a few times a year only, because travelling distance, she doesn't drive and has a very busy social life.

The part I find most difficult is that she doesn't seem to 'believe' me and sides with exh. Even when she's not contacting him, sometimes it feels like she's prodding me. For others they have no interest in my exh and just see me with my husband now (dm never asks or sees my husband who is a good man).

I've shown her the abusive messages but she then questions 'well why did you marry him if he was abusive?' (Obv he wasn't at the time), 'why did you stay with him?' (Because I had a baby and no confidence to leave) 'why do you still speak to him?' (Because we co-parent). She seems either to think I made up his behaviour, maybe enjoys keeping making me explain and be upset.

Nb even social services looked into his behaviour, not because I'd reported but school did - they called me to ask about him too. Of course I wouldn't put my sons at risk, he's an OK dad, loves his sons.

Was she emotionally abusive towards you growing up? Sometimes it seems to give dysfunctional parents satisfaction to take sides against them as adults with abusive partners.

To me my parents relationship with anyone in my life is their business not mine, so if my child is old enough to have a say what they do it is up to them

@category12 thank you, yes she does have history for favouring others. I try not to react to it anymore as I'm used to it most of the time.

It is also awkward with my now husband as he would be keen to spend more time with her for example but she's not interested. I've not explained the relationship much to him as she's not local to us and it may bother him. For example she doesn't invite him to family events although other partners are invited.

She is twice divorced including difficult former relationships herself, so may have hoped for greater understanding from her.

She would probably say that I was her 'difficult' child and favoured others. Certainly as an adult when I've been in very difficult times occasionally (divorce, best friends death, redundancy etc) she's not stepped in at all and would blame me or purposely misunderstand the situation.

Interestingly despite being 'difficult' in her eyes I've not had that same assessment from others, work, friends etc describe me in very positive terms. I guess they are biased 😊

Yeah, I'm gonna say your mum basically set you up for getting into abusive relationships with her need to cut you down since childhood.

I think disengaging and less contact would be the way to go, and being glad your new husband isn't currently the bee's knees in her eyes. I bet if he started bullying you, he'd go up in her estimation.

I don't think it's a problem with a grandmother keeping in contact with someone who looks after her grandchildren. It's normal to try to keep them onside and be civil as the main aim is to keep the line open to the children.

That being said she shouldn't be involving you in any arrangements and she should have asked Ex directly. Of course she should mention if the event was agreed but the way you've worded your post it seems as if she was thumbing her nose at you which makes the whole situation most unpleasant.

Tell her to do what she wants but to leave you out of it.

Why doesn't your mother have any loyalty towards you after your ex treated you so badly?

You have evidence of it.

I would be furious if anyone treated my future adults dcs like that and would certainly avoid contact and dfocus on supporting my dcs.

Your mother has huge issues which unfortunately affect you.

I think her lack of loyalty is unforgivable.

No I think you are being controlling and it's better for the children that they are not close but on friendly terms

No, you are not being oversensitive, OP. In fact, you have been very tolerant of what sounds to me like disloyalty and manipulation.

I agree with@BlastedPimples and @category12 and I would quietly disengage as much as possible.
DM is not going to change.