No relationship with father but why ???

[BattlingMHandwinning]

Hi everyone, apologies if this all turns out wrong i’m a complete noob here and im looking for honest advice ! so here goes … when i was 16 my mum finally booted out my dad for having an affair! GOOD ON YOU MUM ! don’t get me wrong at the time i was totally devastated as i was always a daddy’s girl… always. He done the usual tried buying my affections days out new trainers, you know time with the new GF my first holiday abroad and i’m ashamed to say i bought it, i took it all because it ment time with my dad… The GF also had a child of her own about 8 years old and this killed me she had MY DAD. yes i was 16 but it hurt, i should be with my dad not her!!?? over the years it all started to change he had a child with the GF my new half sister app i always wanted a baby brother or sister ??? ummmm no ??… GROSS 🤮 the new GF always seemed very jealous of how close dad and i was, it was very strange like i wasn’t allowed to say that he had bought me something it was our secret, it went on like this for years and years and they had another baby april 07 in the march of 07 i miscarried … and a lot of cruel. rule things were said, like they didn’t want to leave baby with me so case i took it, i was C..ZY and needed help etc so many horrible things after experiencing a loss like that, i have tried over 24 years to tell my dad how i feel and nothing ever changes. i dont see him he makes no contact nothing …
2015 i was blessed with my angel baby who is almost 9 during this time he has seen her a handful of times, not from lack of me trying and encouraging it, he even got married to the GF neither myself partner or my daughter were invited to wedding, my own dads wedding, wedding photos nothing no me ! my older brother is in contact with him regularly but doesn’t get involved, this also hurts. soooo he never ever contacts only rarely what would my daughter like for birthday, my argument is if you were part of her life you would know, he had not seen her for 2 years ! we live 5 minutes away… 5 he had my phone number he knows where i live and still nothing, she hurt herself badly at school and nothing !! no phone call no text nothing untill today 5 days later after the had long weekend away with new family, new NON BLOOD GRANSON who’s birthday is the day before my daughters who i’m pretty sure has all he has ever needed l, he has never ever once helped us when needed it’s been so so hard with multiple hospital admissions my self in the last couple of years ….

so what im trying to say is does anyone agree with me it’s wrong ?? i dont know what ive done to have no contact with him… for him to not want to see or have contact with my daughter she’s amazing !

its made my mental health so so bad this last week as in my mind im waiting for him to call, and i know he won’t but i still let it hurt me when i see all over social media they are all happy celebrating his birthday. i have distanced my self to protect myself as its the only thing i know to do, years ago i wrote a letter that done no good. any advice would be amazing … i love him. he’s my day but he’s hurt me so so much
thankyou to anyone who has read to the end x

So you're 40 now?

The only thing you can do is find a way to detach a bit and protect yourself. He's in the wrong by my code of parenting but he's unlikely to change in any major way. Do you feel that counselling would help?

thank you so much for message, i have tried counselling as i thought talking would be right thing for me, but i didn’t get much back the counsellor sat and listened but wasn’t allowed to give me advice, don’t get me wrong she was truly lovely 🥰 but it was advise and guidance im after really ? x

You've done nothing wrong, this is all about him and his own failings. He's an arsehole and a coward who obviously can't face up to mistakes that he made.

Unfortunately some men are like this and treat their children appallingly. My dad ditched his first daughter even though she desperately craved a relationship with him. She was jealous of our relationship but he was a cunt to me too in other ways. I am no contact with him now (my choice) but it suits him anyway because he'd rather never try to make amends about anything or deal with anything that makes him uncomfortable. I can't see myself ever having a relationship with him again.

When you say you're looking for advice and guidance what do you mean?
Do you want advice and guidance about how to repair the relationship or how to approach things with your dad so that he is open to repairing the relationship. TBH I don't think you're going to get that, we can't force people to behave the right way no matter how much we want them to.

Or do you want advice and guidance about how to come to terms with it so that it doesn't hurt as much?

If he cared he would bother.
He can sit behind his wife and pretend it's her stopping him but it isn't. He can't be bothered with you or with the hassle.
Had one like this myself and my one regret is wasting my MH thinking about him and wanting a relationship.
Harsh but for your own sanity fuck him he doesn't deserve you and your child 💐

thank you for message lovely one xx i’m sorry to hear you went through the same thing! guidance really on how do i keep it from ruining any more of my mental health and yes i would love to have that relationship, but i can not forgive and forget. and he clearly gives no fucks , i just don’t want it to continue to take up so much of my thoughts .

And also my daughter it’s so hard not to let my feelings rub off on her, i’ve never ever said anything bad about Gdad, x there’s only so many times i can say he’s busy🙄😣😣

you’re absolutely right ! it’s all his choice… he has family holidays bbq meals parties with the step daughter and also gave her away when she married absolutley broke me 😢😢💔💔
loves her son again nothing related … and yet i’m his daughter my girl is his only biological GD and noting , just msg two days b4 her birthday nah piss off !

I think you could try a different form of therapy. It's clear that just talking to a counselor isn't enough for you. It's not enough for a lot of people.

Maybe something like CBT or trauma focused CBT could help you which would provide you with some techniques and strategies that allow you to process these thoughts in a healthier way and not allow them to impact your mental health as much.

Hi my eldest has had no contact with my ex for 20 years! If I’ve learnt one thing , it’s that you can’t force someone to take interest in a child unfortunately. I’m so sorry this is happening to you .

My parents split when I was very young and my Dad met someone when I was around 5/6 years of age. At first things were good and myself and my brother still spent weekends with him and my stepmother. Then she got pregnant and her attitude towards my brother and I changed completely.
We were made to take it in turns to see my Dad, he'd have one of us alternate weekends. I remember her not allowing us to hold our new sibling or play together etc etc. She would find reasons for us to not even go over at weekends to see my Dad. Then she had my second sibling and we stopped going to my Dad's altogether.
We were stopped being involved in holidays, days out, birthdays. My siblings always got expensive presents for Christmas and birthdays and my Dad would always say he was "skint" so couldn't but myself or my brother anything.
As I got older, I stopped buying my Dad cards etc for yearly occasions as I began to resent him. I only have a few memories of my siblings as babies, but anything from about 3 upwards I just cannot remember. Now they are both in their twenties and I have attempted to make regular contact via text etc but it's always just awkward conversations.
I've recently had a baby of my own and since finding out I was pregnant, my Dad and stepmother have completely suprised me and have attempted to be a part of my life more. They've bought baby expensive clothes, a travel system, nappies and various other items and they both message me everyday to see how the baby is and how I'm doing.
My Dad often makes comments on how he was a "shit" Dad and wants to make things up to me and I said to him don't dwell on the past but if you want to be part of our lives, be consistent with it.
I hope your Dad eventually wakes up to the fact that you can never get time back! Xx

There is a type of woman who isolated her husband or partner from everyone he knows so she can have him for herself.

He doesn't see it happening and it's not helped by her being the only voice in his head saying "oh they don't want you in their lives now theyve moved on " etc etc. (by this point only people approved by her will be allowed in his life)

It's very controlling and the men should see it happening. But they don't. They are just happy to be having sex with a woman that they will do anything to continue.

And if you try and say anything she will be all tears and saying you're upsetting her blah blah and he will have to take her side as he sleeps with her....
She could even be abusing him. You'd not know. I know one guy who was being beat up by such an isolating bitch.

Sorry he's not realised that he's missing out on his own childrens lives. But honestly there will come a day when he does. And it will be too late. And there isn't much you can do about it because you'd need to get him alone without her. And even then he'd prob spill the beans and she'd get jealous and be all tears and snotters to somehowmanipulate him away from you.

Sad. Pathetic. I know three guys like that. All are now broken shells. Who are only just realising what they sleep walked into with these women....

Of course you’re right to be angry. What would you say to me if I was telling you this? What would you want someone you love and care for to do in this situation?

Therapists guide you to what you already know and the rest flows from there.

many thanks for message, how would i go about seeking help for this please ? would i let be my GP? i take anti depressants so i think he would be helpful with this

aww i’m so pleased you have this relationship now with parents xxx he did make an appearance when my girl was born and despite all my heart feeling i buried them deep deep down, as i thought this was it , a new start. but no it all went back to no contact no interest , got married with no invite not even his only grandchild who i would have happily let go with her auntie and uncle, to see the family photographs with out me in them, is one thing but with out her in, breaks my heart.

Many thanks for message lovely one … everything you have said is exactly it to a T petty coat government my mum says 😉☺️ xxx Not only has he lost the relationship with me , his only grandchild but his own parents disowned him and wouldn’t have him and their own funerals !!! even after all that has happened and how he makes me feels … why do i still feel so so sad and broken and dare u say still love him ? i have to break off from it all for my own health but it’s so so hard, i do care but try so so hard not too 😔😔

wow that’s a tricky one ….

i would say go with what feels right you’re clearly hurting and you need to protect yourself

Yes I'd say your GP would be helpful and could guide you towards what therapy might be suited to you. It's hard to know what kind of therapy to choose I suppose if you're unfamiliar with all of it.

I'm not in the UK so I'm unfamiliar with the kinds of guidance that would be available but this helpline does sound good if you're in England or Wales, it says they can talk to you about where to seek help and the treatments available.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/

No man ditches their children unless they want to sorry you can make excuses blame the girlfriend if that makes you feel better but ultimately its his decision

i’m m not making excuses

My dad used to call his girlfriends daughters baby by my name. By mistake. But it hurt me as he did it a lot.

It's like he transferred all the love he had for me onto her and in his brain that was ok because he was still being paternal to his little girl.

WTAF. I always thought it was so weird on the few times I was allowed to visit.

But it suited the girlfriend and her daughter as he looked after them really well. She's older than me but never had much luck with jobs etc.

I don't know if he just presumed I was ok and didn't need him maybe because she told him that. Who knows.

Any time I saw him one of them was always there. In control of him. Ready to pounce on me, which they did when I criticised something they were doing. There were all crocodile tears and I was banished for being a bad person when they were so good to him and how could I be so very horrible type thing...

So manipulative.

It was only after his health declined that I found out a lot of things and that he wanted to leave her but it was difficult as by then their finances were entwined and he couldn't put her out as she was old etc.

So sad.

I don't know if an honest conversation with him at an earlier stage without her would have helped the situation but I don't think so as he was a gentle guy and felt as the man he owed her care and stuff as his sort of 'wife' and he was very 'you've made your bed' like so he'd be thinking that about his own life.

He would put others first. Like her. But not me because presumably I was thought of as more independent. And he had the surrogate me in that baby.

i’m so sorry you’ve had to experience that, it’s so awful isn’t it ? my mum puts it down to how he was bought up by his parents, and i see that as an excuse because he knows right from wrong surely ? and he wasn’t always this way … he was the best !! i was always by his side up untill he had the affair ? and then that was it. and i’m not blaming the GF or new wife now… they both knew what they were doing …
but i don’t see , being a mum myself how you could not be in your child life. no matter how grown up they are