He has just gone off on one because of my tone of voice.

[Mikidog]

My husband just told me he is going to bed, I asked him if he could pass me the remote control so I could choose a programme. I may have sounded a bit urgent as all the programmes had already started. He just lost his temper and told me to ‘calm down’, threw the remote at me and stropped off. I am left wondering what I did? This is a common occurrence if he detects I have used the wrong tone of voice. He has gone off to bed and slammed the door.

Fuck him.

Are you allowed to throw a remote at him ?

Probably not, this is abuse.

He's nasty.

Probably something to do with your preference to stay up watching TV than go to bed with him I'd guess. 1) it means sex is off the table ( if its ever ever on). 2) Most likely he's expecting to get woken up when you do go to bed - unless you sleep separately anyway, in which case you co-habit. Tone of voice could not be the issue in this case.

He threw the remote at you?

Unacceptable. Why would you think it was anything else?

It's the whole

"I didn't sleep with your mother" thing isn't it.

Tone of voice is important, and conveys 70% of the meaning behind the words.

People need to pay more attention to how they speak. Your DH was wrong for his reaction. However, it could be a build up of resentment from years of perceived hostility due to your tone of voice conveying the opposite meaning to the words you said.

"Pass me the remote"

Could mean, pass me the remote, thanks, I appreciate it, you know I love this programme and I will see you in bed soon for a cuddle.

"Pass me the remote"

Could also mean, I am so fucking sick of you, you're pathetic, get out of my sight and fuck off to bed. I'm going to stay down here because I'm trying to avoid having to be near you. Hopefully you will be asleep by the time I go upstairs. I can't wait to leave you. You're just a pathetic little man.

Tone is important.

You know what. I sometimes read posts on here and wonder why some posters deliberately misinterpret a post and then produce some grotesque, moral melting advice. And then I remember that there’s actually assholes everywhere.

My mum used to do this to me for all the years she was menopausal.....what's his excuse? Oh, he's just a dickhead.

x and

I'd be willing to bet your tone of voice was fine.

My ex used to fly off the handle at the smallest of things. When he needed to justify his temper and irrationality, he'd often blame it on my tone of voice. He'd insist I was being really snarky, angry, bitchy, etc in my tone. I tried my best to keep my tone calm and gentle at all times, yet he'd still go mad and blame it on my tone. It was an easy thing to blame it on because I couldn't really defend myself. I could insist I was being perfectly calm, but he'd just say "I'm telling you, you were being very loud and angry".

Regardless of how you said it, there's no excuse for throwing things at you and slamming doors.

Hmm....... my sisters and I all have a particular tone of voice which sounds very sarcastic. Inherited from our Dad.

One sister denies outright that she has any such thing - but she does and it feels like being flicked with a wet sandy towel. I've caught myself doing it unintentionally and apologise.

Even if your tone was unpleasant, there's no excuse for these actions: He just lost his temper and told me to ‘calm down’, threw the remote at me and stropped off. He's the one who needs to "calm down". LTB.

Does he often lose his temper and then say it's your fault?

@yellowsmileyface Snap.
Even now a few years on trying to co parent is so fucking difficult. He has a go at me for using the wrong tone of voice all the time. I get accused of constantly picking fault with him, being snappy, moody, intolerable, like IM the problem.
Makes my blood boil!!!

He sounds horrible. I'd be done, personally.

This. "When he needed to justify his temper and irrationality, he'd often blame it on my" ... anything.

This is a common occurrence if he detects I have used the wrong tone of voice.

It's not about your tone of voice @Mikidog it's about your husband's behaviour.

Thanks for the responses. I don’t think I had any issue with him at the time so the only ‘tone’ may have been slight urgency. I seem to upset him regularly despite using the softest voice and least confrontational words I can find.

You are being abused. Call Womens aid for a chat. They can give clarity where there is confusion.
You do not have to accept this.

My ex used to speak to me like I was a piece of shit. It wasn't what he said, it was how he said it. I could well imagine him asking me to 'pass the remote' but somehow managing to say it in an insulting, aggressive or irritating way. When I spoke to him about it he's always tell me he didn't 'mean it like that'.

Without knowing how you say things it's difficult to say if yabu or not. But coming from someone who had years of being spoken to like I was an idiot, inconvenience or annoyance I can see how him storming upstairs might happen. It was one of the reasons I divorced him. Unfortunately my dd has started to pick up my ex's 'tone' and I'm trying to ensure she knows how it comes across.

The only thing that helps I've found in this situation whereby you don't know whose tone is unreasonable, is take it back to being strangers.

Talk to him like an aqaintance whereby he can't enforce his tone, you'll soon figure out who the cunt is.

I've got a feeling it's him.

No matter how anyone speaks NO ONE should be throwing hard plastic objects at the person they purport to love.
It's bullying, intimidation, threatening, violent and not what anyone should have to get used to and then to talk as though it's perfectly reasonable and forgivable.

If someone did that to you in the street you would have them arrested.

You sound as if you are walking on egg shells around him.

p.s. I bought a 2nd remote for the tv on ebay.

Time to stop pandering to him and treading on egg shells. Talk in a normal voice to him don’t use a put on soft one. It doesn’t work anyway.

Tell him you won’t accept this behaviour anymore ( throwing and slamming things ) and he needs to stop. Unless you are scared of him in which case speak to women’s aid.

Perhaps be prepared to LTB if he continues anyway.

Christ not another one. I'm always getting this.

I'm aggressive if I challenge him when he's had a go at me. I'm loud and gobby. I'm spiteful. All sorts of adjectives. None of them complimentary.

I'm tired and tied in knots. I always think it's me and question myself.

Well there's your proof that it's not your tone, he just wants an excuse to intimidate you and throw stuff at you. He just needs an excuse to make it your fault, so you're left there feeling confused and wondering what it is you did wrong.

I know what it's like to drastically modify my behaviour in an attempt to keep the peace, and having the crushing realisation that no matter what I do, it's never enough. They'll always find something to get pissed off about and make it your fault.

I second another PP's suggestion to get in touch with Women's Aid for a chat.

What is pleasant about this relationship?

Have you done a pros and cons list?

There is no soft enough voice. Nor meek enough. Nor deferent. Nor kind. Nor compliant.

Because abusers like him don't want their to be.

Its a trap we fall into - looking inwards thinking 'if only I could find the right words, the right actions, the right way to be'. Rather than seeing the truth- that we are not the problem. They just want us to think we are.

Fuck.him.