Hi,
sorry if this post is a bit rambling but I am in the middle of a very acrimonious divorce. We are both very bitter about how our relationship broke down and I guess I just wanted to get some perspective on it and other peoples opinions
I met my soon to be ex husband about ten years ago. There were quite a lot of red flags when I met him as he told me he was separated when I met him but then found out he was living with his wife and he said their relationship broke down due to domestic abuse ( well he didn’t really use the words domestic abuse but said he used to hit her; to be honest I didn’t have a good understanding of what DV was at the time but obviously knew this was wrong but felt like it wouldn’t apply to me). He also told me he was born in Cyprus and was in the Cypriot army and I then found out this wasn’t true.
he also told
me
he had two kids with his ex wife and tbh it did put me off. I liked kids and wanted to have my own but wasn’t keen on the idea of taking on anyone else’s but thought there wouldn’t be any harm in building a relationship and seeing where it went. However, things got intense quite quickly but I never overly took to the stepparent role which was made harder by the fact the kids mum really resented me and tried to push me out and my ex basically went along with it so as not to rock the boat as she seemed to have a hold over him.
all it did was really strengthen my desire to have kids of my own which was something I already wanted. I really wanted to settle down and have kids and I think part of the attraction to my ex was that he did have some money behind him although id like to
make it clear that it wasn’t just about the money to me as I also earned a decent amount and I did have genuine feelings for him. However he was reluctant to get a joint mortgage and bought a house on his own although when I moved in some time later he did accept quite hefty amounts from me
to contribute which thinking back meant that I was basically paying his mortgage and most of the bills as well but he did in time put me on the mortgage. By this time I was pregnant with our first child and that’s when things went more downhill I suppose. Once I moved in and was pregnant I became quite overwhelmed as I was doing most of the cleaning and cooking and tbh I didn’t overly enjoy having his kids over half the week as it was quite a lot of extra work for me. They both had an assortment of behavioural
problems. I did try my best with them and didn’t like feeling that way but deep down that’s how I felt. I’d also started to see my ex’s nasty side by this point as he started being aggressive with me in this pregnancy, one time punching me in the stomach. Towards the end of my pregnancy there was an incident where he grabbed a knife which was witnessed by one of his sons and he told his mum and she stopped them seeing us for a period of time. Tbh I was quite relieved about that as it stopped me feeling so overwhelmed but when the baby was born she appeared to get a bit jealous and reinstated the contact and I was just informed. In fact even when I was still in hospital the ex was throwing her weight around demanding that my ex leave the hospital to take her kids to school and then insisted one of them was ill when I returned home so we had to look after him when he clearly wasn’t don’t was quite a stressful start to parenting. However I really loved having a baby and things were ok while I was on maternity leave and we got married. although I did return to work after nine months and started to feel more overwhelmed again, it was manageable. I also forgot to mention that throughout our relationship he had given a key to our house to his parents and they turned up unannounced on an almost daily basis and were very controlling and so this led to a feeling of not feeling I could relax much at home as I always had people round which I felt I lacked control over whether it be his kids, his parents or the kids mum.
however things really went downhill when I became pregnant with baby number two. I suffered with morning sickness during both pregnancies but obviously it was different with the second as I had a toddler to look after as well. My ex kind of went along with us having kids but made it clear he wasn’t that bothered so it was kind of an unspoken agreement that I’d have to just get on with things and he certainly
didnt fuss over me. I remember towards the end of the pregnancy when I was still working feeling really overwhelmed and things came to a head one day when we were watching his kids and got in a blazing row and then my son fell in to a wall and needed stitches. I then felt so guilty due to the fact if we hadn’t been rowing it prob wouldn’t have happened and we were still arguing over it at the hospital and he head butted me in the face and the hospital security were called but when they approached I walked away and I didn’t think it was taken any further.
when I had the baby the sleepless nights took an even worse toll on our relationship particularly our sex life as I was so exhausted and then he started oressurising me to have sex with him by saying he’d only give me money for household expenses if I returned sexual favours to him and then saying I owed it to him. His older boys behavioural problems started causing issues for my kids and I didn’t really trust them to be round them unsupervised due to various reasons and this put added stress and pressure on me. His ex wife started treating us like ad hoc babysitters even though we already had them half the week and when I put my foot down she became quite abusive to me. I felt I had no choice to put up with it as I was an agency worker and had to give up work to have my second son and was then working part time so felt quite reliant on his ex. However when my kids got a bit older I started thinking I could increase my hours at work to full time as they got state funding for nursery and started saying to my ex I wanted changes to be made. However this made him quite angry and he started being a lot more aggressive and domineering and the episodes of violence really increased from maybe several times a year to several times a month and the police and social services started getting involved so I ended up leaving/fleeing. He’s stayed in the marital home and is angry that I’ve applied for divorce proceedings and financial remedy as he seems to think I should walk away with nothing although I’m looking after our kids although he sees them twice a week. I in turn am hurt by this attitude and that he can’t accept any responsibility in our relationship breaking down and is treating me and the kids so different from his first wife and kids whom he left the house to and paid her mortgage for ages.
would be glad to hear anyone’s thoughts