Stay or leave?

[Whichwayisforward]

DH is a good guy however in the last 5 years, our marriage has been unsatisfactory to us both. At the root of it, I dont get along with his family. I used to get along with them and it started chaging 3-4 years ago; husband is firmly in their corner and holds me at fault for everything. I cannot get him to see the toxic dynamic of his family. I dont even want him to stand up to them, i just want him to acknowledge it for what it is, privately between us. He simply justifies every wrong doing of theirs - makes excuses for them, sees them in best light and argues in their favour. Our sex life has reduced to nothing in the last couple of years and he is not even affectionate towards me - he admits that he is bitter towards me and doesnt feel the same way about me (for having conflict with his family). I have completely cut myself off from his family as i cannot bear how hurtful their actions are; he still goes ofcourse and he really looks forward to spending time with them (MIL stopped talking to me a few months ago and i'm not even invited anymore - this was because I confronted her about things she said to husband about me).

I feel unsupported and excluded; we are trying to have a kid (having sex on certain days of the month on my ask) and i wonder if i am making a mistake. Will this ever improve? Am i stupid to think he will ever wake up to how hurtful his family can be and be supportive of his wife? I love him very much and the idea of a life without him feels terrible; we had such good days and this is our only problem. Should i throw it all away for this? Or is this a warning for what will get worse with time?

Don't do it.

Your DC will have lots of contact with your on-laws they will look after than so your DH doesn't have to parent and they will drip poison in your DC ears about you.

You have a massive DH problem, he doesn't respect you and is enmeshed with his family rather than being in a partnership with you.

At least stop TTC while things are in this state.

Having a child will put more pressure on your relationship and it'll likely get the in-laws wanting to be even more involved in your lives.

If your dh doesn't have your back with his family, you'd be silly to bring a baby into the mix.

Bit I'm 37. This is my only chance to have a family.

Think I would rather do DIY with donor sperm than be stuck with his child and family.

He isn't a good man is he?

I cant bear the following:

1. That he cant even acknowledge in private how hurtful their actions are
2. That he is so bitter towards me that he is barely affectionate towards me
3. That he looks forward to and enjoys spending time with them alone (it just hurts when he does for dinner, with my being uninvited.. i know i cant expect him to have no relationship with them.. but i just dont know if i can bear this scenario in the long run.. I feel so lonely and betrayed).

It’s impossible to tell who is being unreasonable wrt the issue with his family but no matter, don’t have a kid with this man.

What have they done?

Its a long story now spread across several years.

It doesn't sound like your marriage will survive if he says he doesn't feel the same way about you and the affection is gone.

So do you really want to be tied to this man and his family through a child - or would going it alone with a sperm donor make more sense if you're likely to end up a single parent? It sounds pretty mechanical and unloving if you only have sex to TTC and otherwise he's rejecting you. It's just a crazy situation to be TTC with the guy.

This is a terrible situation to bring a child into. So many red flags.
Do you even like each other.?
I'd research using donor sperm and going it alone.

Stop trying to get pregnant. This is a terrible environment to bring a child into and even if you split after getting pregnant, your DH/ex DH will have 50% custody and will be raised by his mother. Don't do it!

Ok, I can totally understand that you don’t want to get into it but it’s genuinely difficult to advise without knowing why you don’t get on with them. If YABU then obviously the advise would be to consider your actions, try to find common ground etc. if his family have been terrible to you and he’s not sticking by you then he’s a bad partner.

This setup will not give you the family you want. Your in-laws will either ignore your child (best case scenario), or try to turn her/him against you and monopolize the poor thing. Run.

Don't bring an innocent child into this toxic situation.

Do not bring a child into this toxic dysfunctional mess of a marriage. Why subject a child to this?.

I would seriously consider if you want to remain married to this man given how enmeshed with his family he is. That is not going to change, he could well remain enmeshed with his mother in particular for the rest of his days.

Leave, use a sperm donor. Do not bring a child into this!

I know your 37 and you want a child but don't bring a child into this situation. He will ignore the child and leave you to do it all. Then if he has the child his mother will be minding them and will be slating you to them. Don't make your own life harder and end up with a child whose life could be miserable with a father and family like his.
I know a lot of parents and having a child tested out there relationship in a lot of cases at various stages. That not to mention the families I know with disabled children or children with ADHD, autism ect have found it hard not getting services , respite ect.

Tell him you have decided that your no longer going to try for a family because you know he will keep putting his mother 1st.

As someone who is stuck co parenting with a turd of a man, seeing his bitch of a mother an influence in my DDs life, thinking about the day i have to see HIM leading her down the aisle 🤢....use a sperm donor

holds me at fault for everything.

Not the kind of man I would want in my life.

He's projecting, instead of dealing with his own psychological shit.

Why are you putting up with this? Life is beautiful without this toxic stuff in your life.

Once you take that first step out of it and keep walking, you are going into a much better future. Please don't stay with negativity from someone who refuses to look into the mirror.

Dear god, don’t bring a child into this, that’s just selfish and very unfair.

This. They’ll be overbearing with the child and try to influence it unduly. You’ll be driven insane by them trying to turn your own child against you.

Your MIL stopped talking to you because you took her to task on something she told your DH. Think about it, given that your DH knew about your strained relationship, why was he telling tales about what his DM said? He was actively fanning the flames by doing that, and probably had a good idea of the result.
Was this the first time you heard negative things second hand from your DH, or has he done it before? There's a chance he could of engineered this situation, so that he can have his time away from you in future, his little sanctuary if you like with his fam.
I'm surprised he's still up for putting out during your fertile times, surprised either of you are actually, given the situation. How great will you feel home alone while he visits them with your DC, as that's what will happen?
Sort this out one way or the other before conciving. Ask him how he sees the future being once a DC is in the mix.

To me - this situation sounds off. And like you are in some major way sabotaging your life.
You say you love your H and can't imagine life without him. Yet you seem intent in turning him against his family. Or, more precisely - in making him chose you over them. Even if privately. It boggles mind that you are willing to die on this sword and kill your relationship over it.
Why? What sort of scores are you settling? OR what sort of unresolved issues are you struggling with?

To me you sound really self absorbed and completely unable to see beyond yourself. The fact that you expect him to not want to see his family - sounds beyond off. As does you feeling "excluded" when he has dinners with his mother that you are not invited to for obvious reasons.
All of that makes me doubt what you say about his parents and how evil they actually are. It is possible that it is not them, but you.
Not sure what triggered this sudden need in you to make your H turn against his parents, but doesn't really matter anymore.

As to having children. Here are you choices:
--Get some therapy to sort whatever issues that seem to be making you sabotage your marriage and your chance to have children.
--Cut your nose to spite your face.

“AttilaTheMeerkat · Yesterday 19:32
Do not bring a child into this toxic dysfunctional mess of a marriage. Why subject a child to this?.

I would seriously consider if you want to remain married to this man given how enmeshed with his family he is. That is not going to change, he could well remain enmeshed with his mother in particular for the rest of his days.”

This. Your marriage is doomed. Painful as it is for you, it’s completely unfair to any child to bring them into such a toxic, damaged relationship. As PPs have suggested, if you’re desperate to have a child, you would be best off leaving the marriage and going it alone. Sorry you’re in this situation, OP. It must be very difficult.