How do a co parent with a narcissist

[Caw2024]

I'm 28 year old female

I have a 4 month old baby girl

Her father is 29 years old

Was together for 2 years. A very on off relationship.. I was always the one to break up with him and then I'd forgive him after he would love bomb me.

This time I'm serious about the break up and it's having my baby girl that has given me the strength and courage to actually be certain this is what I want!

Anyways I'm constantly recieving nasty messages calling me the names he use to call me in the relationship (fat, ugly, a mess, sht mother, bi polar, c**) and lots of other lovely names. (I'm 8 and a half stone by the way lol)

And if they are not the messages I'm recieving then it's love bombing messages.. begging me to go out on family days out with him and baby, reminiscing on the relationship (which was absolutley dreadful.. I don't know what he's remembering lol) and compliments and flirty messages

I want it all to stop and I only want contact between us on the days he is having the baby or if an appointment comes up etc

He isnt getting this. He is obsessed with me (without sounding big headed) he will not leave me alone. I've tried the whole just reply to anything that's about the baby and ignore everything else. I really don't know what to do it's driving me nuts I feel like crying or packing a bag and disappearing somewhere forever

Worst thing I ever did was put him on my childs birth certificate.. but I guess he is her father

I even believe he only has the baby just to get a glimpse of me and a reason to message me.

WHAT CAN I DO, I'm so mentally drained hes ruining the first few months of me enjoying my baby girl!

This sounds so tough, I really feel for you.

Dd’s dad was very similar and it was horrendous with Dd when she was tiny. I am happy to report 7.5 years later it has settled down a lot, so there is light at the end of the tunnel.

The only way to deal with this is to completely remove ALL emotion from interactions.

I gave DD’s dad an email address and once a week I sent contact times. He either turned up or didn’t but I never sent anything apart from that. I blocked him absolutely everywhere else.

Your baby is only 4 months so he honestly should be getting minimal contact as she needs you right now - even a court would only allow a few hours a couple of times a week.

Honestly in your situation I would probably block and ignore and let him take you to court. The likelihood is he won’t bother.

I can tell you a psycho father that abuses the mother and uses their child as a way to control you who doesn’t have contact is far better than one that you try and try to maintain a relationship with.

Dd hasn’t seen her father for 3 years (court ordered no contact due to abuse) and life is so so much better.

I restricted contact to be via one specific email address and would not respond to anything that wasn’t related to the children, all responses were brief and only saying what was absolutely necessary. For a while I also only read or replied to the emails at a specific time on a set day. Eventually he backed off. It was exhausting before then though.
As for co parenting with him, it was not possible. We ended up parallel parenting. That way I was able to protect myself, and was in a much better position to be able to protect my children.

Did you still recieve horrible nasty messages on the email address tho? I mean I could do that and it's a good idea but I would still recieve the same messages just on an email.. I guess it's good as you can log out of it I guess

I would contact the police- malicious communication and harassment. I would certainly get them involved given the language and intention to cause distress.

If you dont mind me asking was the abuse verbal or physical?

I recently had him arrested and he was also charged for stalking and harrasment (of me) I just wonder if this is enough to stop his contact

Absolutely this is enough to stop all contact.

He sounds like an absolute nightmare, you are well within your right to protect you and your daughter.

Honestly block him and let it go to court. They are likely to side with you especially if you have police reports.

Make sure you keep copies of everything for evidence.

There is no point sugar coating it, for a while yes I did. As I say, I ignored anything that wasn’t related to the children. Then for a while after that he switched it up to make the insults connected to the children. For example when one of the children forgot their medication he sent an email telling me in a very patronising tone that I should be aware of how important it was to have medication with them at all times and to make sure they had it in future. My responses always focused on the issue, not the patronising nature. In that case telling him I would sort duplicates out to keep at his house and to let me know when they were due to expire.

The nasty messages, sarcasm etc were draining. No doubt about that. And not rising to the bait was very difficult every single time, but it gradually dwindled then stopped.
With all other communication methods I blocked him, and with the emails I turned off notifications so that I could check them when I wanted to and not feel the pressure of a notification or a little red dot!

To add, there was verbal and emotional abuse, coercion and then stalking for a short period of time. I never took that further though looking back now I should have done. In my mind at the time I just wanted to get divorce done and dusted and felt like the best way to do that was to not aggravate the situation by reporting things. I definitely don’t recommend ignoring that aspect like I did.

Use one of the court approved co parenting Apps (I believe there are 2 check your area).

Block him on EVERYTHING else. Inform him that all messages on the app are admissible in court.

Meanwhile work on getting a non-mol against him.

Is he actually having any contact with DD?

He has contact with her yes, he has her basically every other day.. which I don't really like as it means kn the days he has her I can't really do much and have to be at home at certain times for pick ups and drop offs.

My life would be much easier if he didn't want to be a dad. But like I said I think this is to keep in contact with me

I have stopped contact on certain days if I think he's been out binge drinking all night.. this causes alot of trouble between us to the point I have his whole family messaging me how I'm out of order stopping the baby seeing him on HIS days apparently.. none of them seem to be bothered that he was up drinking until 7 in the morning

You need to use the app. It will be a good record of you refusing contact for to his excessive drinking.

I think you need to seek some proper advice.
Is he threatening you via text or anyhow?
You can stop contact when ever you like but be prepared for the courts to re start it if he isn't abusive to the child.
I would block him and only unblock him the days he has your child, once the child is back with you, re block him.
Are there any safeguarding concerns regarding the child?

I mean he smokes weed while she's in his company. Not literally around her. But in his company. Luckily for me he still lives at home with his mum and sister and they help him with her alot.

I have had it out with him about this subject as I don't think kts acceptable while looking after his 4 month old baby. He promises not to do it again then goes against me. It's like a cycle with him!

He also dropped her home in his friend's car who also smokes weed.. so my baby was in the back of a car with 2 stones.. again had it out with him about this. In all fairness this hasn't happened again but it probably will in a matter of time

I have had threats aswell.
Against my friends and family. He's going to set their houses of fire etc. None of this actually scares me as he doesn't ever go threw with anything it's just empty threats.m but yes I have threats in black and white.

Also threats made about me ever getting into another relationship. He will kill the man etc

Ita a good idea, but what if he's completely denying the drinking the night before. When I know for a fact he has been but no proof

Report all the threats & incidents and keep reporting.

You could maybe manage contact through a co-parenting app or a third party or contact centre instead.

You don't have to tolerate this harassment and I think you should take the threats seriously.