Spilt up with depressed partner, now having doubts

[Keyster618]

Hi I have recently separated with my partner of 5 years. We did not live together. He has a teenage son who has some behavioural issues and I also have teenagers so we agreed to live separately until our children grew up. He has suffered with depression for about the last 2 years, and I have tried to support him with this.He also has chronic pain from a previous accident which definitely has a negative effect on his overall mood. He has been to the GP a few times and has started on different anti depressants but then stopped them when he was feeling better stating that “they don’t really work anyway”.
A couple of months ago his depression again came to a head and he reached a low point. This was following me having a few days away with a family member. He said that he didn’t feel like we really had a relationship and the only way that things would improve for him mentally was if we were living together (this is not something I wanted for the above reasons) We separated at this time, and he has been back to his GP for support again. We have remained in contact and I was still trying to be supportive as a friend to help with his depression. until recently when I have asked for no contact to try and get my head straight as the break up and the extra pressure had begun to effect my mental health. I feel as though I can’t stop thinking about him though and all the good times (of which there were many). I feel as though I just stuck in limbo at the moment and don’t know whether to give things another try or just move on.

Well done for standing your ground, never let a man guilt trip you into living together when you don't want to. My first BF when I was 18 suffered from depression, he was on ADs, whenever he felt depressed I gave him space, one or two weeks, telling him to contact me when he felt up to meeting again.
You are allowed a few days away with family, all healthy relationships have time apart.

i think he used the time away to overthink everything and get himself into a state. I don’t even think the living together was the issue I think it was maybe just something he focused on rather than the fact that his mental health was deteriorating. It’s a sad situation as when he is ok mentally he is kind and great company and we have always got along well, but I definitely do not want to live together as I am trying to bring my 2 children up on my own there dad is not involved and they both went through a lot when we separated so I just want peace and stability for them.

The bare facts are you went away for a few days and he decided it was double or quits.

You went quits because any normal person would.

He lost the controlling gamble.

As you say OP you need a calm, loving home for your children, he is only interested in himself. He wasn't prepared to keep his big mouth shut about you going away. You can never live with him it would be all this nonsense but on steroids. Your kids are so far down his list of priorities they don't register. They need a happy recharged mum. Not an emotional punching bag for another "dependent" grown man.

No contact is the best/only way forward. Enough now. Enjoy your calm.

This

He didn't like that you had a life and enjoyed time away without him. His solution to that was to try to get you to move in with him, in the hope that he could put a stop to you spending time with anyone but him. He's already basically alluded to possessing an attitude where it is not acceptable for a person to go away anywhere without their partner, which is both wrong, an unrealistic demand of anyone, and controlling.
Sure, you had some good times together, but was he also always off when you did something without him? Did his moods happen to plummet after you've been socialising? His way of getting you to give him more attention and support perhaps?

Thank you for the replies, it is good to hear other perspectives. He has never ever been like this before. I have been on quite a few holidays without him whilst we have been together and he has always been happy for me to go and enjoy myself. This is very out of character which is why i am questioning it. His moods have never been related to anything to do with me. It is him struggling with being a full time single parent to a teenage son who has a lot of challenging issues, and he finds it difficult to cope with.

It is him struggling with being a full time single parent to a teenage son who has a lot of challenging issues, and he finds it difficult to cope with.

Do you think he wants you to move in to handle his difficult son? Is he seeing you as a means to improving both their lives by sacrificing your and your DC peace.

Can you go back to your living apart relationship?
I would not land my own children with his son with behavioural issues as it might be too disruptive for them.

I could be projecting here, but I strongly suspect that if you do move back in, it will not go well for you. For him, certainly but for you, not so much.

Your teenagers do deserve a calm home space, and so do you. All the best.

I have developed a relationship with his son in over the last 5 years, and we get on ok but I have never acted as a step parent kind of role. We have talked about before and at the time agreed we would live separately until the kids were grown up. In his mind it would be easier if we all lived together, and for him I’m sure it would be, but it’s not an option for me and I have always been clear about this.

For me the only option that I would even consider would be going back to our previous arrangements of being in a relationship but not living together. I wouldn’t consider living together. My worry more is that his living situation is having a negative affect on his mental health and even though he is taking some steps to sort this out his situation is not going to change.