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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know what to do , regretting getting married 😕

14 replies

Armychefbethebest · 29/05/2024 11:57

Bit of background, I have been with my DH 5.5 years, we got married 10 weeks ago. I have 4 children, 2 that live independently, 2 that live with us . My Dh has 2 both young adults.

We had both been single for quite a while when we got together. And it was very quick how we got together. He genuinely in a good bloke, does his fair share in the house, treats my children well my youngest 2s dad abandoned then 7 years ago and there was a lot of fallout from this. I wouldn't say they are over it as that would be wrong but they have processed this now, they fully accept my DH.

I unfortunately do not have that good relationship with his DC his eldest in particular. Over the 5 year their DM despite leaving their DDad for another bloke has given us both a total character assassination it hurts more because the first two years I had a good relationship with the kids and then the ex stopped the youngest coming over night and said DH couldn't see them if I was there the oldest has lived with us for a few months see previous thread about the her dog lol.

So anyway maybe this is all relevant maybe not so these changes happenned really with the kids when it became clear we were looking at getting married. DH ex remarried with no dramas despite her affair. We looked at a few wedding venues, we both liked one in particular and I posted oh wow I think we have found the place. Less than 10 minutes later a screaming ranty call from his DD why wasn't she told we were looking at venues why wasn't she consulted ,she's 25 ! This hysteria carried on for 2 weeks, she wrote a really nasty status on her feed then all my DC saw it and it turned into a massive public row .

After this we decided it would be easier to take a witness each get married have a meal, spend some money on a nice honeymoon so we did that. Here is my problem for a few weeks leading up and ever since I have this dread, this regret and it's making me feel quite depressed. I have spoken to my DH about it in the briefest of ways I mean how do I say I'm upset because I married you to someone who has never done anything to hurt you. I just don't know what to do has anybody ever felt like this was it the person you married, was it you , what did you do? If I've missed anything out I can answer you I'm just typing as I think so may not make a lot of sense. Thank you for reading x

OP posts:
BeansGreens · 29/05/2024 11:59

It sounds like you have no issue with him, but his children?

Have you been happy these last 5 years?

What difference does a ring /certificate make if you've felt positive previously?

Original poster
Armychefbethebest · 29/05/2024 12:07

Hi Thanks for replying, no I don't have an issue with them I had a good relationship with them once upon a time and does upset me that's gone, we have had the usual niggles of I don't feel there's enough intimacy, generally happy and someone I could spend forever with. I don't know if it's him or me genuinely he hasn't done anything wrong but ever morning I just wake up so flat and fed up I have spoken to the gp and am on a waiting list for talking therapy.

OP posts:
Rania78 · 29/05/2024 12:13

Somehow the wedding seems to have triggered some kind of PTSD. Trauma from previous marriage? Feeling trapped? I think therapy will help to uncover the trauma. I don’t think it has anything to do with your spouse. I believe it could be PTSD.

Original poster
Armychefbethebest · 29/05/2024 12:18

I do have a lot of childhood trauma , my last marriage ended in my ex having a work affair and then after seeing the kids sporadically for a year totally disappeared to the point were I had to pay for bailiffs to find him and serve the divorce papers so took me 7 years to divorce him all in all maybe part of it is that although my DH is nothing like my ex I feel awful as I said we have had a good relationship up to this point and now I just feel so down to the point where I don't even want him near me.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 29/05/2024 12:20

Bit of a faux pas announcing something like that on FB without informing family first. Her reaction was OTT, but you should of been less public about it beforehand.
Obviously not the type of people who move on and forgive easily, but given time they might get there.
A bit extreme to regret marriage in general if things are OK between you. So overall there's OTT emotion on both sides over it.
Did you ever apologise for blurting it out in public before telling his DC's? Might help them recover faster if you accept your part in it.

5128gap · 29/05/2024 12:24

I wonder if you're upset and resentful that you were deprived of the wedding you wanted because of his DDs behaviour? If I'd had all that ruined for me, turned into a SM bun fight instead if a joyous occasion, and had to marry almost on the quiet to pacify an adult woman, I'd be feeling a bit flat in the aftermath, and also worried about how much of my future would have to be compromised for her behaviour. If that resonates I think you need to talk to your husband about boundaries and how you're going to deal with his children together in future.

Original poster
Armychefbethebest · 29/05/2024 12:24

@Opentooffers Hi thanks for replying the kids were all aware we were looking at venues we just didn't give them specific days times ect I didn't realize that was a thing ? I'm Normally very chilled and not dramatic so I can't understand why I feel the way I do Hensel why I'm posting I suppose

OP posts:
Original poster
Armychefbethebest · 29/05/2024 12:29

@5128gap Thank you for your post, you've summed up how I feel about the actual wedding in a nutshell there, and my DH knows this as well I know the most important thing is the marriage not the wedding. I'm a grown adult so feel a bit silly about how I feel now maybe that is part but not all of it.

OP posts:
DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 29/05/2024 12:41

Opentooffers · 29/05/2024 12:20

Bit of a faux pas announcing something like that on FB without informing family first. Her reaction was OTT, but you should of been less public about it beforehand.
Obviously not the type of people who move on and forgive easily, but given time they might get there.
A bit extreme to regret marriage in general if things are OK between you. So overall there's OTT emotion on both sides over it.
Did you ever apologise for blurting it out in public before telling his DC's? Might help them recover faster if you accept your part in it.

No it's not. Announcing an engagement on social media would be a faux pas but announcing that you've found a venue is not.

Opentooffers · 29/05/2024 13:34

@DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum The OP was not clear on this initially, but cleared up since. It could of been one and the same, but as they all knew already, they were clearly OTT.

RishiFinallyDidTheRightThing · 29/05/2024 14:53

Why would your husband's daughter expect to be consulted about the venue for your wedding? Sounds like she is batshit and there is not much you can do about that, other than distance yourself.

DuckyShincracker · 29/05/2024 17:02

I think you have comprised too much. Your feelings matter as well. I'm not surprised you are feeling flat. Who's bending over backwards for you?

Leanne1191 · 29/05/2024 17:27

Armychefbethebest · 29/05/2024 11:57

Bit of background, I have been with my DH 5.5 years, we got married 10 weeks ago. I have 4 children, 2 that live independently, 2 that live with us . My Dh has 2 both young adults.

We had both been single for quite a while when we got together. And it was very quick how we got together. He genuinely in a good bloke, does his fair share in the house, treats my children well my youngest 2s dad abandoned then 7 years ago and there was a lot of fallout from this. I wouldn't say they are over it as that would be wrong but they have processed this now, they fully accept my DH.

I unfortunately do not have that good relationship with his DC his eldest in particular. Over the 5 year their DM despite leaving their DDad for another bloke has given us both a total character assassination it hurts more because the first two years I had a good relationship with the kids and then the ex stopped the youngest coming over night and said DH couldn't see them if I was there the oldest has lived with us for a few months see previous thread about the her dog lol.

So anyway maybe this is all relevant maybe not so these changes happenned really with the kids when it became clear we were looking at getting married. DH ex remarried with no dramas despite her affair. We looked at a few wedding venues, we both liked one in particular and I posted oh wow I think we have found the place. Less than 10 minutes later a screaming ranty call from his DD why wasn't she told we were looking at venues why wasn't she consulted ,she's 25 ! This hysteria carried on for 2 weeks, she wrote a really nasty status on her feed then all my DC saw it and it turned into a massive public row .

After this we decided it would be easier to take a witness each get married have a meal, spend some money on a nice honeymoon so we did that. Here is my problem for a few weeks leading up and ever since I have this dread, this regret and it's making me feel quite depressed. I have spoken to my DH about it in the briefest of ways I mean how do I say I'm upset because I married you to someone who has never done anything to hurt you. I just don't know what to do has anybody ever felt like this was it the person you married, was it you , what did you do? If I've missed anything out I can answer you I'm just typing as I think so may not make a lot of sense. Thank you for reading x

Personally I'm not surprised your feeling like this with how his kids and ex has reacted to everything, why on earth should anyone be consulted about your life? It's your wedding and your life. For his ex to act like that just shows what a absolute twat she is really and feels entitled to still know everything about her ex which is control all she needed to know was that your engaged and getting married why should she know all the details it's none of her business the woman is just a bitch in all honestly she needs to grow the fuck up and fuck off! Your husband needs to tell her straight too. The kids also need to sort it out because again why do they need to know all the details? You chose a wedding venue that was it at the time and so what if you chose to post it ok social media why should everyone else have to know first what I've found in life hun is you can't please everyone you got to do you, fuck all the judgements the opinions and the morons who have to pipe up and make such a dramatic scene over something which really doesn't concern them (especially his ex) because of that now you've done things completely different to how you wanted and now feel shit for it? What have they gained? Exactly what they wanted..... this sort of thing pisses me off and makes me soo mad she's moved on your husband has moved on years have gone by why act and be like that? Childish and pathetic and if he has older kids they also need a good speaking too about how you both live your life's and how it is now. I'm soo sorry you feel this way it's just not nice at all, I think from other posts on here you defo need to have some talking therapy and maybe speak to someone about it to be able to rant and stuff. In future though unless it really really impacts the kids life's then don't worry about having to have an ok from her because she is not part of you and your husband she doesn't get a say. You do you, don't let others contemplate how you live your life and how you want to do things hun.

GingerPirate · 29/05/2024 17:45

I'm sorry, OP.
I've been married for 20 years and still regret it and look forward to being single again.
Child free.😁

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