Is this irrational behaviour?

[amethyst69]

Supposed to be having a day out with partner today. We both had a couple of bits of admin to do first which I'd finished, so instead of mindlessly scrolling on facebook whilst he finished, I decided to go brush the car mats off which he was going to do. 5 mins later out he comes with wipes to do dashboard as well even though he wanted to set off straight away. I'd only opened the car front doors so when he tried to get in the back I said you just need to reach round and flip the lock. Apparently this was ridiculous, why hadn't I brought the keys, I couldn't just wait and had to takeover because I have no patience. I just thought it was being helpful whilst he finished his emails. The row escalated and of course everything was thrown at me ending with we just dont get along which is his usual closer. Any thoughts here?

Is he right? Do you just not get on well any more? This is a silly thing to have a massive row about.

If you're rowing about nothing, it sounds like he's right - you just don't get along.

Absolutely it is. Not from my perspective, but maybe from his which is why such small things escalate. Time for a think. Thanks

We do get along much of the time. It just seems to be when I stick up for myself or disagree thst things escalate.

How long together op? Kids? Marriage? Mortgage?

3 years, both mid 50s, kids grown up, no mortgage. Generally comfy life, moved in together after 2 years. Not married.

Does he often do things to sabotage what should be pleasant or important days?

Very often yes. Or he will take lots of time getting ready then when I'm stood waiting, I'm impatient. Yet when its something for him it's different. He was complaining last week I spend money on things for us to do (not a lot) yet he's just spent over a grand on a holiday with his family ( I work in a school so couldn't go) and accompanying his son for a Turkey procedure.

Doesn't sound worth the bother tbh.

Tbh, I wouldn't find it 'helpful' if someone got involved with jobs from my To Do list without checking first.

But there's nothing inherently wrong with it unless you're also the sort of partner who also makes a big deal out of it and pointing out how you had to do it but were only 'being helpful'.

I'd say that once either or both of you have reached the point where the other is just permanently irritating to you/you find yourself easily irritated by them, then it's over.

In answer to your original question, the behaviour can seem irrational to us but it's intentional to get us to do what they want or to make us feel inferior or doubtful, to take the blame, ultimately to do things their way.

I honestly believe different “preparing to go out together styles” can be a very big deal.

I don’t like being late for things and I don’t like twiddling my thumbs when the other person is IMO faffing around.

Long term it totally pisses me off to the point I’d rather meet them there.

But that wasn’t your question. I see other posters’ POV that cracking on with something that had been “assigned” to him might feel undermining, but FFS it was for the car you were both about to go out in.

Unless you never give him a chance to do what he has agreed he will do, I don’t see what the problem is.

Thank you. I think on balance I need some time to think this all through. I honestly didn't think me taking a dustpan and brush out to my own car would be such a big deal but I think there's more at play.

Exactly the same feelings. He is a faffer, we were going in the same car, I'm just getting on with it so we can go and enjoy the day. Not trying to take his job away and frankly had roles been reversed I'd have said a big thank you!

It can be a shock when you realise that the behaviour is more than what it often seems and you do need time to process it. Once you are aware of what the behaviours are designed for it can help you be less affected by them and you can grey rock to try and diffuse the situation.

Take your time, don't tell him you think he's abusive, do keep your boundaries as long as you're safe, and keep posting if it helps.There are many threads along similar lines and sadly many of us have been through it so understand. I wish you well

Have a good hard think, now that you are joining the dots.
You are being bullied, undermined, manipulated and sabotaged.
This is not a good man.
His mask has slipped.
Say nothing, but watch for careful as you observe the pattern.
Make your plans to protect yourself.
Long term he is not a good bet.