Please give me some advice on communicating and parenting with someone who just doesn’t listen and will do anything for an easy life?! I can’t express how I feel because he flatly refuses to listen and won’t come down from me being wrong.
DS is 4 and whilst usually great, he’s started showing some (I think normal for his developing brain?) behaviours lately that need guidance around like hitting when he’s very frustrated. He’s very advanced for his age in terms of communication and understanding so it’s not a struggle to communicate.
This morning I had perched myself on the end of the living room sofa whilst I was getting my bag ready for the day and checking my schedule for work. FIL had arrived for childcare for the day and was making a camp at the other end of the sofa with DS. DS was getting frustrated that it had moved and didn’t look right and was shouting at everyone and hitting the sofa; as I was there (and FIL was saying nothing, I gave him time to), I was calmly explaining to him that we don’t shout at people, even when we’re frustrated. FIL’s usual approach is just telling him not to do something as it’s naughty.
DS then proceeded to respond with hitting me in the arm (for someone small he does hit hard) so I told him I would be taking his favourite toy of the moment away because it’s not okay to hit anyone.
In front of DS, DH (also getting ready to leave for work) then told me I shouldn’t have even been in the living room, that I shouldn’t have taken that as I will leave for work and then his dad will be left with the consequences and it being so much harder for him to occupy DS if he doesn’t have that toy (he has plenty more toys as well as a large outdoor play area, this is just valuable to him at the moment).
He then contradicted himself by saying DS needs consequences but apparently not that as you wouldn’t send someone to prison for 10 years for stealing from a shop and he doesn’t agree with me.
Happy to be corrected but I thought taking the most valued thing to him at the moment is something immediate so he can see actions have consequences. I don’t think he’s too young to learn that, especially when it’s as a result of hitting someone as we have a 1 year old too who’s been hurt by his physical response to frustration/anger. I didn’t just take it, I explained to him I was taking it because he had hit me and it’s not okay to hit anyone. We have tried the recommended (from health visitor) ‘gentle hands’ approach which he will either laugh at or shout even louder back at and usually hit you again and he doesn’t listen to a warning either - it all escalates him. He did accept me taking the toy away and returned to his ‘usual’ self after.
This isn’t a first instance - he (DH) will do anything for an easy life against what we agreed then try and justify it even over small things that just make me feel undermined and the ‘bad guy’ - DS has never had squash aside from a birthday party. We don’t buy it for him and have always agreed we just want to keep him on water as long as we can. Because he’s into more things now and non stop, he forgets to drink during the day so you have to remind him DH has now started putting squash into his water because it gets him to automatically drink a lot without the need to remind him to drink.
I just feel it makes things harder as there’s no consistency and when he’s told no, it’s not a definite no. DH will never accept how this looks or the message it sends and continually tries to justify himself which is how communication breaks down as it’s so frustrating. How can I discuss this with him in a better way (or am I just wrong?!)