Feeling resentful and cross - please help!

[JemRose]

Hi all,

So, disclaimer, I'm 20 weeks pregnant so many of the emotions I'm feeling could be hormone contributed... but still valid?

I'm a mum of a hectic but lovely 2 year old with another one on the way. My partner (the children's father) is a great guy and has always been better-than-most in the childcare department + does contribute to household chores/admin. He's a kind and caring man and I've always felt very lucky to have him as my partner and the children's father.

However, since we had our first son he went on (unpaid) paternity leave and never went back! He's now studying a part time masters degree but hasn't done any paid work in 2 years. I went back to work part time and have a rental property which I bought before we got together, so I pay for everything, top up his account etc.

I look after the 2 year old 3 days a week, he does 1 day a week, the grandparents do 1, and we take the weekends together (but usually I end up doing a lot of the actual parenting).

I do most of the housework and home admin (bills paying, calendar balancing, calling the internet company etc). He does do around 20 - 30% of the cooking and laundry. I don't think I've seen him clean the bathroom ever. He's good at DIY so he does most of the fixing around the house but I do all the painting and decorating.

I research and buy all the clothes/toys/children's paraphernalia i.e. car seats & push chairs, and always have.

I've planned and booked the 3 dates we've been on in the last 2 years.
He got me some lovely pressies for birthday and xmas but didn't do anything for mothers day (but did get his own mother flowers and a card).

We usually take turns doing bedtime, bath time, early mornings with the toddler, but recently he's been 'tired' and the toddler has been clingy to me so I've been doing all the bedtimes and mornings.

I'm really starting to feel exhausted by the energy and responsibilities I have within the family, and as this pregnancy progresses I'm worried I won't be able to keep up. I want to talk to him about this but really I just feel resentful and cross that he can't just work it out for him self and have a little more respect for how much I do for the family. He has lots of time outside of the home at uni for his masters and I have literally 0 time outside of the home alone, I have nothing in my life except for serving him and our child and working. Obviously I love them both so this is somewhat fulfilling.

What should I do? Maybe it's not that bad? I know lots of women have it harder than me. It's on the edge of everything being fine and manageable but I can't help but think that he's putting in much less effort than me with basically all our shared responsibilities and he he just did 50% then I might feel less like a slave and more like a respected human equal?

How on earth do you afford to keep such an expensive pet?

Your emotions are completely valid. I’m not sure how you’ve tolerated it up til now. Why are you carrying all this financial and practical responsibility and he is doing very little?
how did he come to give up his job? Was this not a serious discussion between the two of you as to how your new family was going to function?
he seriously needs to wake up before this new baby comes. You shouldn’t just accept more of this.

Not surprised you're feeling cross and resentful OP.

You need a proper sit down and a chat about the future and also the current status quo. A partnership where one partner is giving more and the other is taking more is not sustainable.

You need to find a way to re-balance so that you both get some down time and you both contribute equally to the house. I think he needs to be reminded that him doing the studying has consequences for you and ask him what he's going to redress the balance. Having sole financial responsibility is hard. How long is the course? Is there some kind of career benefit?

Spell out that if something does not change the relationship will not work. He does not see all the things that you are doing or if he does he does not understand that this is making you unhappy so spell it out.

I’d be tempted to throw a “sickie” rather than bother having a discussion with this guy. Just have a pregnancy related made up illness and leave absolutely everything to him for at least a week. That’ll wake him up good and proper. Then come back to “work” under reduced hours/responsibility terms.

im imagining that he is telling himself a story about how he pulls his weight and you’re absolutely happy with things the way they are. A conversation might just go the way of him justifying himself and minimising your feelings. There’s nothing like a practical real life wake up call to make him pull his socks up.

plus, a conversation will be effort on your part and you’ve done enough. Wait till he feels what it’s like to do it all (and he’s not even 20 weeks pregnant) and then start negotiations.

You've got a lazy cocklodger. You pay for everything. You do the majority of the housework and parenting and you work. This isn't sustainable. He can and should find a part-time job around his study's, be a partner and take on more household and parenting tasks.

Your post is full of contradictions.

My partner (the children's father) is a great guy and has always been better-than-most in the childcare department + does contribute to household chores/admin. He's a kind and caring man and I've always felt very lucky to have him as my partner and the children's father.

He is not great at all- I’m surprised that you’re having another child because he will see this as an excuse to extend his “paternity leave “ A kind and caring man would not be taking advantage of you and either working or doing the majority of the childcare and housework but he’s not even doing 50%. How long until his masters is complete ? Does he plan to go back to work and earn more thanks to his new qualification?

He lives a nice and easy life but has the gall to complain about being tired and getting out of parenting basics like bedtime. He’s massively taking the piss out of you. He should be doing MUCH more - especially during this tiring part of your pregnancy.

DO NOT MARRY THIS LOSER.

Thank you so much for the responses! It feels good to have my feelings validated.

@Mulloffuckintyre We did have a discussion about him retraining just before we had baby no.1 and agreed we would try to make it work (I didn't want him to feel like us having a baby would hold him back from making the career change he'd been thinking about doing for years, but we didn't want to wait another 3 years to have a baby so he could do it before hand) but the plan was that he would work part time (2 or 3 days a week) and do the masters alongside. He ended up finding the masters much harder than we had anticipated so hasn't felt able to work along side it yet... so the goal posts have changed!

@GatherlyGal the course is 3 years long, he started right after baby no. 1 was born, so we're now 2 years into it. The carer benefit is that he can hopefully move into a more consultancy based job instead of heavy labour (construction work) which was starting to damage his back, so in the long run much better for us all as a family to have a healthy daddy!

You “didn’t want him to feel that having a baby would hold him back from having a career change”. Sounds a lot like you are bending over backwards to facilitate his lifestyle when he is doing very little in return.

The masters is part time but “he’s found it much harder than we anticipated so hasn't felt able to work along side it yet”
I know people who've done a masters or phd alongside full time work. Even if he can’t get a job right now (which frankly is questionable) He really absolutely can step up and do the lion’s share of toddler care and household responsibilities. He needs to do that right now.

He ended up finding the masters much harder than we had anticipated so hasn't felt able to work along side it yet... so the goal posts have changed!

That's his excuse for not working. What's his excuse for not pulling his weight at home?

I thought a part-time masters was perfect for studying around a job? If he's not working he should be doing it full time, possibly in a year. At least he should doing most of the childcare/housework. You've been taken in! Tell the lazy bastard to get his arse in gear.

Most masters are a year full time or they let you spread it out over two part time.

Is it a research or a taught masters? Research masters can take a massive amount of time, taught masters should be much less so.

Either way it doesn't sound like he is coping with the retraining. What are his grades like so far? Is he actually still on course to pass the masters?

Being pregnant and having a toddler and bringing in all the income is a lot on your shoulders.

If the retraining is going well (him pulling his weight in the house aside) then I'd be inclined to hire help until he gets done retraining and can get a job,

If you think he's going to either fail the masters or not get a job afterwards then I'm not sure what I'd do but it would probably involve a lot of shouting.

What a loser.
Boy did he see you coming.
Unfortunately your standards are very low if you think this is either normal of acceptable.
Don't compound your mistakes by marrying this waster.

Am not sure someone doing a masters is a waster. For all we know this could lead to a much better job. Totally different but a friend of mine had his wife support him for 2 years or something while he became a pilot. She did everything, huge debt but a few years later he is on 150k + a year and now supporting her in a big way. Its hardly him smoking weed and playing Xbox all day.

That said, If people are working similar hours (study and work) then I would expect around 50% of the chores each inc. childcare. Thats the way it always was for me (well, when she was PT she did more, when FT we got a cleaner to take the burden off both ). I don't get why he can't do a PT job or at least do more of the childcare etc... so in that respect he should be doing more.

I would absolutely bet that his paternity leave morphing into no longer working a deciding to become a student was pre planned.
In the real world this doesn't happen, but he was well aware of the OP's financial stability and has decided to retrain and live off her.
This is total cocklodger territory and the OP is unfortunately a mug to have indulged it.

He's doing a masters over three years, which is very part-time, considering it's a twelve month course full-time. He does one day a week child care.

There's no reason he couldn't take on a part-time job or be doing a lot more at home.

I am really sorry but you sound amazing!! your H on the other hand!! I finished my masters with a 2 year old and a new born having started it when my DS was 6 months old - I worked full time. He needs to get a grip there is no reason as to why he cannot help you more (or get a job). Even full time phd students don’t study in a way that precludes them from doing their fair share of parenting.

If he’s struggling what is he doing about it? is he seeking help from his personal tutor, the library staff, counselling services?? He really is not listening to your needs and is focusing on himself - tired indeed - really??? probably nowhere near as exhausted as you!!

Honest conversation time - he needs to step up and stop being a self centred idiot!

You're not lucky. Jesus he's got on you on some serious kool aid if you think he's a catch. You're the catch here. He's not working or looking after the DC (1 day a week ffs!!) and you're covering everything and you think you're lucky??!

Sorry, but this is classic cocklodger 101. Hell yeah you should feel resentful and cross. If he finds the masters that hard, it's the wrong field for him anyway. He needs to get a job and/or look after DC a helluva lot more. One part-time income is not feasible for a family of 3. You've got two kids you're paying for i.e. actual DC and him!