Want to move on from ex DH, but are we too close?

[Blueberrygloss]

I separated from my ex DH a few months ago after a long marriage. He moved out and I'm still in the family home with our three teen dc. I initiated the separation due to years of problems in our relationship, mainly DH's ongoing severe anxiety and depression, which resulted in him having a couple of mental breakdowns over the years. He was angry and controlling with me and emotionally cut off for years.

However throughout all of that I have kept loving him in a way. I can see how his negative behaviours stem from his huge anxiety about life. To be honest, I feel sorry for him a lot of the time.

The dc are mainly here, but go round to his at weekends and for part off the school holidays. He lives within walking distance so that's convenient.

The problem is that I feel ex DH and I are still attached to each other and I feel it's stopping me moving on. Ex DH is not working at the moment due to his mental health and is very lonely. He doesn't really have any friends and is not close to his family. Every few days when I see him, he breaks down in tears and says he is lonely, and doesn't have a purpose in life. I end up listening to him, giving him a hug, trying to find solutions (counselling, meet up groups, exercise - he's already on medication). This is what I did throughout our relationship and very little changed.

I speak to ex DH quite a lot about the dc, and I must admit it's nice to talk to him if there's a problem as we can share the load, so to speak (eg our dd is having some friendship issues at the moment).

I go round there for dinner with the dc once or twice a week and he is often popping over here, although we both do mainly have our time with the dc separate.

Basically we have been trying to keep things as friendly, and family orientated as possible for the dc.

I don't know if I should just think that it's early days and we're gradually transitioning into a new friendship type relationship, and just to give it time while the boundaries sort themselves out. It's just that I feel like my relationship with him still takes up headspace that I don't want to give it. I actually met another guy a few months ago, and I know there is a mutual attraction, but I somehow don't feel like I would have the headspace to take anything further at the moment as I feel emotionally at my limit, what with the dc, work, relationship with ex DH, not to mention all the other life stuff.

I feel like I really care about exDH and always will love him like a brother or something. There is no romantic attraction though.

But I would want to maybe date or have a relationship at some point in the future. I don't know if I somehow need to create space between my DH and I, or to carry on like this, friendly and seeing each other a few times a week, which basically doesn't seem to give me space to think about dating anyone else....!

I know exactly where you are at.

If took me 12 years to finally tell myself that after separation, it was time to divorce! (All financials were sorted, separate homes etc). Remained friends but I wanted to get back onto the dating scene and I just couldn’t whilst ExH had a kind of emotional hold over me.

I don’t think you are ready, as you tacitly say, to date yet. Let time take its course, go lightly into the dating scene so I would suggest you need to back off from some of the meet ups & meals with DH and give yourself more head space. Time to find out who you are and what you want.

As for DH he is his own master of destiny and although it must be hard to watch, it is for him to find his own salvation. You are not his Mother.

@PashaMinaMio Thanks for your reply. Wow, 12 years! But I'm glad it sounds like you are now ready to fully separate emotionally from your ex. I totally relate to what you're saying about wanting to get onto the dating scene but not being able to, as your ex had an emotional hold over you. I feel like I would feel guilty if I went on a date at the moment which is ridiculous.

I definitely do want more head space, so I think you're right I do need to back off from the meet ups with my DH. There are definitely a few reasons why I'm still so involved with him, mainly because I'm trying to keep the semblance of a family unit going for the dc. I'm also trying to be there for DH and his mental health struggles - partly for him, and also a big part is I can see it affects the dc when he is struggling with his mental health. But to be honest I have tried to help improve his mental health for years and nothing has worked - I feel I am still in the same position as when we were living together. I probably just need to realise that however much I try to jolly everyone along, DH is who he is, the dc I am sure are aware of it, and I just cannot keep protecting them from it.

You're right, DH has to find his own salvation, I just need to let go. I feel so exhausted, my job is very stressful and I don't have the headspace to keep supporting him as well as being there for the dc.

Not to mention I wouldn't mind meeting someone at some point where we could have a mutually supportive relationship, rather than it being all one way! (Maybe unlikely to happen, I'm now late forties, but I can still hope!)

He doesn't really have any friends and is not close to his family. Every few days when I see him, he breaks down in tears and says he is lonely, and doesn't have a purpose in life. I end up listening to him, giving him a hug, trying to find solutions (counselling, meet up groups, exercise - he's already on medication). This is what I did throughout our relationship and very little changed.

Hmm, but do you not think there's a risk you're enabling him and staying in the unhealthy dynamic you had, through the support you're continuing to offer?

Where's his motivation to start doing the work himself to find his own solutions, if you're still doing that for him? Where's his motivation to build a new support network, if you're still it?

You're still basically in thrall to this man who was angry and controlling - he's just relying on your compassion and guilt to keep you in place instead of using anger.

I think you should see him less and stop being his shoulder to cry on. You can be kind without being basically the non-live-in wife.

@category12 yes you're right, I think I probably am enabling him. I end up feeling really sorry for him (as I did throughout our relationship) but I know I need to detach as ultimately it probably is not helping him become independent.

"You're still basically in thrall to this man who was angry and controlling - he's just relying on your compassion and guilt to keep you in place instead of using anger."

• *I think that's true, although I still have trouble believing he would be so selfish - but I think he is.

I just picked the children up from ex DH's and he had a spring in his step and seemed upbeat as he was actually going out this evening with an old friend (the only one he has remained in contact with). His moods are so changeable and what's really annoying is that I know if he met a woman he would probably just totally focus on her without a thought for what I think is mine and his friendship.