Need advice

[Sky1248]

Just looking for advise as so confused!

Me and my husband have been married 2 years and been together 6.

We have a 3 year old, soon to be 1 year old and he has an 8 year old from previous relationship.

We have always had a volatile relationship, mainly because I struggle to accept his son, I find him rude, spoilt and he always makes it known he doesn’t really want to come round he would always rather be at his mums. I admit my faults and that I would be difficult if my husband wanted his son over extra as I would dread it and would often get moody or start arguments so he didn’t come which is awful and something I need to work on.

My husbands anger has got worse over the years, he wasn’t great when I was pregnant with my hormones raging he just would shout back at me.

Before we got married he gambled our money away twice which I forgave him for, he has had drinking problems where he gets so drunk he can’t stand. This has got better but only because I have to rein him in all the time

He has gone to stay at his mums on quite a few occasions but this has been the longest he’s been gone as we’ve been fighting physically in front of our daughter and being really horrible to each other.

On Mother’s Day he messaged my mum telling her that everyone hates me because I was limiting him seeing the kids to once a week for the time being until things calmed down so she no longer likes him and feels he has said sorry too many times over the years and doesn’t think it means much

These past few weeks I have felt clarity and peace at home especially for my daughter but now my husband has said he will work on his issues and wants to be a family. I would love nothing for it to work and be happy but do people truly change? Or in 6 months time am I going to be here again? He left because we just weren’t getting on and being really nasty together.

he’s hard working and helps round the house but I also just can’t stand being around his son and his ex constantly messsging and even sits in on their face times.

Do you think the love has been lost and we can get past it or am I just wasting my time in finding someone that will actually take care of me? This is my marriage and we have tried a few times but I’m just worried this will all go back to how it was.

We have always had a volatile relationship

So it has never been a truly healthy relationship?

It’s been very loving but it’s just got worse since we’ve had kids and the pressure has been tough.

when I was pregnant for my second child I had placenta previa and kept haemmoraging so had to keep staying in hospital, I then had to have him early, he then ended up being in intensive care for 12 days and when I came out I just felt a bit traumatised and really struggled with my emotions. I couldn’t stop crying as I missed my 3 year old, she started setting herself all the time as I think she struggled with me not being home!

this pressure just ruined us I think as we’ve always been very loyal and loving but in March when he recently left he was just so abusive and I think it is my fault as I caused arguments over his son and I think he felt backed into a corner and he retaliated by always shouting and being aggressive. By the way I know I’m not an Angel at all and I shouldn’t of caused hear issues but I found it so hard to control my feelings

There is a lot to unpack here OP.

First off a child witnessing violence or abuse has their brain development damaged. It can cause lots of issues later on in life - even if the memory is long forgotten. A really really good book to read on this is called ‘Doing the work’ by Nicole LePera. I highly suggest that you read this to see what you are both potential doing to your children and his.

Secondly - It really isn’t down to you to limit time with his son. Regardless of what’s happening between you and your ex - his relationship with his son should be beyond your arguments. The boy needs his dad just as much as your children need his dad. If I got with a partner who felt like this about one of my children I would leave with out hesitation.

Thirdly - pregnancy hormones can cause us to have emotional spikes ( I work with pregnant women and been there myself 3 times!) But it f I was shouting at my then husband - yes he probably would have shouted back eventually. They are not our emotional punch bags because we are deregulated. Pregnancy doesn’t give you a right to be abusive

Fourthly - You said ‘will I ever find some one to look after me?’ - YOU can be that person that looks after you, the fact that you feel you need looking after is making you codependent on a relationship that is awful on you, your DH and your kids and his son. Let go of it and learn to be the person that that gives you peace and security because this relationship is toxic as shit and damaging you all - especially the kids.

The book I mentioned above is fantastic for this.

At this moment in time OP the kids are the only important people in this situation. Yours and his son. You won’t realise it now but the environment your kids are in now will effect their lives when they are adults. How they are able to deal with stress and relationships, their self esteem.

Your relationship will not change as neither of you are actually trying to change. Your behaviour is this isn’t great either. So put getting back together on hold until you’ve done some real work on you.

This is coming from someone who had the most disgusting separation and even played with the idea of getting back with him until I realised how damaging it was being in my kids. I had a sharp shock when I realised my own bad behaviours.

Aim to create a safe, nurturing environment for your children, there you will find your peace and space to work on yourself.

I’ve just seen your update OP - my post still stands but you really need to step away from your DH and be kind to yourself.

Get the book I suggested it will help you regulate your feelings. I was so stressed and unregulated my hair fell out and back went. I was shouting and stressed all the time.

I’m a year on and I’m a totally different person because I put my kids first and in that I was able to find a space to find peace and heal and learn how to keep my self regulated - and to actually start enjoying life again 💐