Getting over partners affair

[smarSarah]

My boyfriend had an affair which I found out about 2 months ago.I've chosen to stay with him and work on our relationship. He is doing all the right things to work on himself and our relationship and I can tell he feels a lot of guilt and remorse about what happened. I don't condone his actions at all but please don't respond to this telling me I should have left him etc. I'm just hoping to get some advice.

Although things have been surprisingly good between us I still think about him and the other woman every day and feel sad about it.

I was hoping to get some advice from other women who have been in this situation, how did you stop thinking about it constantly and how long did that take?

You never forget. It’s always there I hate to tell you. Even now a long time after we split I still think about it when people mention affairs.

It never goes away. He's a boyfriend not a husband, so you're lucky!! Don't make the mistake of allowing him to become your husband or a father to your children. If he did this to you before you're even married, what will he do when it's 1000 times harder for you to leave him.

I left mine, well he left me. The thing is it is harder if you’re constantly being reminded of him and what he did. The sound of his voice or his presence grated on me, he made me so angry. All the little things I loved about him began to annoy and frustrate me. I nitpicked at him. The healing process wasnt linear. It was an emotional rollercoaster and neither of us knew if I liked him or not anymore. I wanted to love him and I didn’t want it to slip away but I didn’t feel safe and secure. I felt undermined and humiliated and like he couldn’t be relied on. it still took me about 8 months to not be thinking about him constantly anymore, I still do everyday at intervals but I can now think about and enjoy other things. I don’t necessarily think about him the first moment I wake up I’m not constantly wondering what he might be thinking or doing throughout the day I can actually focus on other things now. If by heal you mean lose your anger no I haven’t lost it and I don’t think I ever will. The only way I can forgive him is if I give myself space for a while until I’m me again and don’t care what he is doing

You don't and what remains is never what it once was particularly because the foundation of trust is shattered as they have proven you cannot trust them.

There's always a "what if" in the back of your mind and the thought that they'll just cover their tracks that bit better next time because you never stop thinking.

Then there's the self doubt, the feeling of inadequacy. Ugh, I could go on.

Hope you are seeking lone counselling because it's important for you to have somewhere to vent and talk through things

You never forget. He could be lying there on his death bed and I would think you cheating knob.

There is no right or wrong answer here unfortunately. Everyone is different. Circumstances, despite what most people think, do matter. People make mistakes. It took me 2 years to not think about it every day. I am now at 5 years and the man who once hurt me with his infidelity also acts as a carer for my elderly father, treats me with great kindness after a severe mental health condition... we have a much greater bond and understanding of eachother.

Its OK if you can't move on. But it's also OK to understand that sometimes things aren't black and white. I would advise you to absolutely walk away if you don't feel able to move on. But don't buy into the narrative of once a cheater always a cheater etc. Look at the bigger picture and what you want, how you feel and why things happened I.e sex only or an emotional affair etc

This.

If he went elsewhere before you’re even married (and have DC?), what hope is there for trust, security and mutual respect in your relationship. What possible excuse could he have for having an affair which he can prove he won’t use again?

Have you ever heard of the sunk costs fallacy? Better to cut loose before you’re tied into a situation where it’s more difficult to leave.

He’s shown you who he is. Believe him.

You need to focus on questioning why you are settling for a cheating scumbag rather than how long it will take you to get over him cheating.

Do you think he'll stay faithful OP? In my experience the trust never comes back.

Was it a one off lapse of judgement or a long term situation?

I think very few get over it.

How long have you been with him?

You say he's doing all the right things to work on himself and the relationship but it's only 2 months in...in a few more he might think "right that's enough you should be over this by now". Many people do that, say and do all the right things initially but then decide themselves when you should be over it and start backtracking on promises etc they made and try to make out their partner is controlling if they try to get them to stick to them.

You said you can tell he feels a lot of guilt and remorse about the affair? What reason did he give for having the affair? Why didn't he feel guilty at the time?

Short answer is that you don’t, because it permanently changes how you see them. You need to decide what you’re willing to cope/put up with. In my case I couldn’t put it aside. The person I loved and trusted most in the world betrayed that love and trust. It made me feel like shit, TBH, and eventually I began to see him as a weak man, a liar, a cheat, and someone who was no longer worthy of me, in spite of his efforts to repair the damage. I only want a high quality partner, and he no longer fitted the bill.

You don't have to get over it.
There are another 4 billion males of the same species currently on the planet 💐

how did you stop thinking about it constantly and how long did that take?

I thought about it every day for years until I decided to split. I was warned about that but thought I could recover. I was wrong. They trash your sex life by doing this and sex with them becomes traumatic.

You won’t stop thinking about it.
I know it’s not what you want to hear, but once a cheat, always a cheat…

You deserve better.

I tried to do this in a similar situation (ie not married and no kids). I managed about a year or so but it gradually wore away at me until I began to hate him even though he was trying so hard to make things better, I just couldn't get over it. I know some people do manage it though but I think it's rare. Eventually I was the one to call it at day as I just didn't love him anymore. That feeling wasn't instant though, it developed over time.
It was the best thing I ever did and I have now married a wonderful man and have 3 DCs. Good luck with whatever you do OP

Hi OP
i was you a few years ago, although I found out about my DP’s affair after it was long over, so it was kind of like dealing with a ghost. Things are great now but it took hard work to get there

2 months is nothing, you’re bound to still be thinking about it all the time. The general consensus is it takes much longer but it’s one of those things where it starts off 100% of the time you’re thinking about it, then it becomes 90 which becomes 80 which become 70% etc etc

Youll know in time if his guilt/remorse is genuine.

in terms of practical things i think you really need therapy support if you haven’t already got it
Your partner also likely needs therapy but there is a chance he might be reluctant if it’s not something that has ever been in his worldview before. If he doesn’t budge and it isn’t a hard boundary for you then couples therapy down the line is an option but it might not address the reasons why he cheated which is really important, you could discuss that avenue with the therapist

Reconcilation is actually more common than we think, just there is stil a stigma attached so you often will ever know. I had no idea my relative had reconciled until my DP’s mess came to late and she decided to tell me her story (which was awful) to help support me

Andrew G Marshall’s site has good articles, you could read them and journal your feelings to get them out of your head. It’s really important your partner is willing to listen and talk about it all for as long as you need

https://andrewgmarshall.com/category/infidelity/

There is a Reddit forum dedicated to reconciliation. I did find some stuff in it useful but it is tough because the good news stories drift away, as I did. But the people on there are your peers in a lot of ways. However Reddit even there can still be a difficult environment to post in/read

best wishes op x

You don’t get over it, every time you kiss, you remember, everytime you make love, you remember and compare , every place you visit with him you remember and wonder if he took her here, it’s just a vicious circle.

I’ve ran out of time to edit but just wanted to add that we were not married at the time and still aren’t now although we are talking about it, if it helps to see someone unmarried who reconciled :)

For me the trust was gone and i was not going to feel second best.
Do it once and have him back is like a pass to do it again.
Even though i wanted to stay and make it work but i new i would never forget what he did and always wonder what if he does it again id always be looking over my shoulder in some way always questioning.
I did not believe a word he said how much of a mistake it was and how bad he feels and he will make it right and never do it again and wants to earn my trust back.

I calmy said this to him.
I have more value for myself and i am not going to be treaded like that if you really loved me and really wanted me you would have not done it in the first place.
Please get your things and leave.
I wanted to scream shout kick off but what would have been the point.
That was 9 year ago best thing i did as time pasted i came to see that there was much more wrong than just him having an affair little things i didnt pick up on at the time.
He went back to the OW and cheated on her.

I am friends either a couple who have been together for 30+ years. Mortgage, children, the lot.

Her husband didn't have an affair but he developed feelings for someone else. He did confess his feelings to the other woman but she didn't reciprocate nor act on it.

They were all friends so he and the other woman did discuss his feelings and how nothing would ever happen.

They split up for three months and are now back together - happier than ever but she was clear that it could never have forgiven him if there had ever been any contact between them. If it had actually become an affair. They are all still good friends.

I know two marriages where there has been an actual affair where the couple have moved on but only one of those has been truly successful. The other has been characterised by mistrust and doubt but they did it for the sake of the children and 20 years of marriage.

But a boyfriend? I don't know anyone who has even tried.

The bottom line is, you don't ever forget and it changes the relationship forever.

There is the saying that a leopard doesn’t change its spots. There is research that suggests that a person who cheats once is more than 3 times likely to cheat again. If you’re going to continue in this relationship you will need to be prepared for that possibility.

You can get over it over time but he needs to make sure you have no/little doubts moving forward.

I was cheated on, we did salvage it, and after a while, when things got better it became more of a distant memory. Trust was regained and there was enough love there for me not to worry. BUT, when we went through a tough time near the end, trust issues (me not trusting her) resurfaced. And no, every time we kissed or had sex I was not thinking of him.

So if you are both prepared to work on it, he shows positive change and you give it time then it will / should become history. Friend has been married 20 years ir so now and he had an affair early on, no such issues for last 16 years and they are very happy so it can work. It just needs you both to be on the same path. Good luck

It never goes away. It's a trauma that leaves a scar.

I won't tell you to leave as you are not ready to hear it so join surviving infidelity. There is a reconciliation forum on there where you will find support from those in a similar position.

It took me 6 women, a marriage, a child and trauma therapy for me to leave. I hope you don't find yourself in the same situation.

What's the full context, OP? I think this matters somewhat (though of course you are entitled to your feelings no matter what)

he will cheat again in all likelihood, you will be constantly watching

@smarSarah how did it work out on the end?