He left - but back and forward

[lurker1000]

I think I am just looking for strength - I've posted before. My (recovering gambling addict) husband got a flat and moved out seven months ago. He said he moved out as I was unreasonable - I think he moved out as I had come into a large sum of money (inheritance) and he was annoyed that I had put away for kids.

Since he has gone, he has been permanently back and forward - I appreciate this is my fault for letting him back - but I genuinely wanted things to work, it was good for our kids (2 boys, 1 stepson) and I thought with a bit of distance that we were getting back on track.

He has always struggled with mental health - as well as addictions for six years . he's not doing great and he has been referred to a psychiatrist - but as usual - he's dropped us all again - he has left a week ago and gone back to his flat, not been in touch re kids and reverted back to his usual ('everything his my fault, he is in such a good place and a good person as his friends say at Gambling Anonymous').

I'm just drained - I feel like I am going insane. He has cut off all family, he speaks to them, but very strained - mine and his - (he left this time because he was in a mood I was seeing my friends) and its almost like he wants to live in a bubble where only people he likes or 'supported him through his addiction' are allowed.

I can't have a conversation with him and he now says that unless I 'make an effort' and go to his flat then there is no future. My gut tells me that he is trying to control everything but I might be wrong??

Sorry for long post - two little boys, just heartbroken. xxx

He is manipulating you. Protect yourself and your children from this abusive behaviour, he will never change and what he is doing is unacceptable. It isn't better for children or you to have a life like this.

I think you must know that having him coming and going like this was not good for your kids. It must have been horribly confusing for them.

Have you had any support for yourself as a family member of an addict? I think this would really help you to detach from his drama and controlling behaviour and be better able to protect yourself. Have you spoken to Gam Anon? I really think you should https://www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk/gamanon

He wants to live in a bubble where he can control everything, so he doesn't have to face the consequences of his actions. Don't live there with him. Your children need stability and peace.

I think it's your job to give your children stability now, and that's by putting a stop to the to & fro.

Your husband is only thinking of himself and his emotions and his issues, and not giving much of a shit about the damage he's doing to you and the children with his antics, erratic behaviour and the blame game.

You need to stop centring him and his tedious addiction, and centre the kids. It's not in their interests that he swans in and out of their lives, causing distress and disruption.

If that's his attitude then he is nowhere near ready to get clean.

I've been with a gambling addict and it was horrendous. Never again! They're awful people. Get rid of him for your own sanity. Oh and trust me, he's only keeping you around because he can still smell money.

When your kids reach an age they can have access to the money you put away you can bet your life that he will hound them for it so I hope you put that money in a trust tighter than a nuns backside.

I remember your post about the inheritance. He was also upset that you didn't set his son up, as you did for your own. I think you told him that DSS will inherit from his mother, too.

I'm so sorry that he's continuing/worsening his behavior. You're right; all the confusion of he's here/he's left again is bound to have a tremendous negative effect on all of you.

You are going to have to be the one to make the decision, I think. It's just not fair for you and the DC.

It's not just your two who are hurting. DSS will be hurt by this, too.

I hope you can resolve things peace peacefully.

It's all over. You deserve so much better.
You feel sad for your boys, I understand. But they'll be fine, unless they have to be around him.
His narrative is aimed to keep you in hock to your concern for the DC. But sadly he can't give them anything and you can give everything

You've been with an addict so long you are unable to see his behaviour for what it is; the self pitying control of an addict.

If you find it hard to see that you deserve better and are not responsible for fixing him then at least do it for your children. They deserve better than a selfish addict dipping in and out of their life. They need the security and stability he isn't capable of and has no interest in providing so, as unfair as that seems, the responsibility falls to you.

Once he gone for good and you've adjusted to your new reality you will wonder why you put up with it for so long.

Thanks all - and yeah @beenwhereyouare he was originally really upset that I didn’t give my dss inheritance from my parents.

im just floored. I know that I need to pick up myself and get on. I know in time I will but it’s hard. It’s the absolute callousness of the way he can just walk out and leave me in the lurch with kids, pets, work, bills etc.

But I can’t have a conversation with him - he gets annoyed quickly and says that I ‘need to work on myself’ like he is doing at GA. He genuinely can’t see an issue with what’s going on and it makes me second guess myself.

im hoping that a psychiatrist might help but he’s not got his appointment yet and I don’t know how long it takes.

He’s not going to change- with or without the gambling he’s not adding any value to your life, just dragging you down. A big shift in your mindset is required - prioritise yourself and the boys.

That's the thing about addicts, everyone else are essentially NPCs to them.

He's a narcissist. My ex did the same to me. Used words and phrases people had said about him and turned them round into me!

If I tired to explain something I was told that I was pulling things up from the past.

I couldn't win as he manipulated it all. It wears you down. Eventually you believe him. Unless you get away.

It's not you. It's him. It will not get better once he gets help as he will tell her only what he wants her to hear - how you've been unsupportive, won't bring the kids round, don't understand him, don't live him any more despite him being such a good guy and biting you flowers once a week or some other rubbish....

Dump and move on. You and kids deserve better.

Thank you - just this - 'I'm such a good guy because when I come over I buy takeaways and football strips' - but when I ask why he hasn't provided any child maintenance for the real basics, then I get shouted at and told I am unreasonable. He's the one making all the effort apparently but as long as he is controlling it.

That's all about him massaging his own ego and making himself feel good, isn't it?

Bringing takeaway, buying football straps = makes him Fun Dad Wow Dad.

Actually providing for the essentials unsung is not for him.

He's not a good dad.

Thank you all - I’ve had to miss work tonight as he won’t collect the kids from after school and watch till I finish - it’s literally the one day of the week I can’t get them - he’s let me down before but today all my childcare options aren’t available.

The worst part is that I know I’m going to have to engage with him at some point and I just want to be free - I wouldn’t stop kids seeing him but I just don’t want him to control. I know when he sees our youngest - who is 7 - he will say ‘do you want to come and stay at dads for the night’ and I’d be the bad guy in my sons eyes to say no. It’s just so hard.

Have you heard the phrase "Disney Dad"?

That's him.

Disney (ie doesn't) do the things he should (maintenance, coming and going with you on childcare, putting them first etc)

And

Disney (ie brings the kids presents so they think he is wonderful. Meanwhile he doesney bother his arse about paying for their food and school uniforms etc. while making out to anyone who asks that he is a great and thoughtful father.

So many men are like that. Even rich ones don't pay when they should and their friends would be horrified to hear that from him but they never do unfortunately.

Wait until he starts dating. One whiff of a potential shag and he will be refusing to take the kids that scheduled day or returning them early.

If said shag likes kids he will be asking for them on the day he sees her to play happy families in the park. Then return them to you early (unfed but stuffed with hyper making sweets for you to enjoy them bouncing off the walls) so he can go shag her...

Fun times to follow.

Prick. Grrr

Oh my - it’s so depressing isn’t it. Just heartbreaking how quickly people can change - that’s what hurts the most. Fifteen years m. He’s not seen the kids in two weeks so I’m expecting him to try this weekend. He’s still firmly in the ‘I’m working so hard to be a good person and you are at a fault’ camp. Genuinely feel like going crazy - I know I’m not, my family and friends think I’m not but it plays with your head

He's 'working so hard to be a good person' (is he though) but its still not good enough is an ok response and position for you, just because he is trying doesn't mean its enough. That's the bare minimum, making some effort for your loved ones. I bet you've never had to try hard to be good and looked for praise, had allowances made, been a let down as a partner and parent for years then punished them for it? He is not a delicate, fragile victim here, you and your kids are the ones harmed, not him. Take strength from the support you have, believe your family and friends, start to build better boundaries around protecting a happy and more peaceful family life, you can do it. He is wrong, setting you up to fail every time because really he thinks he should get a free pass for behaving badly every time. He can help it, he makes the choice. Good luck.

I’m sorry for what he’s put you through but I read this and just feel sad for your children. I dread to think what this is doing to your kids and it genuinely baffles me why the children never seem to be priority in these situations. Just read back through what you have said so far;
-he’s a gambling addict
-HE left YOU
-keeps coming back and forth
-Addictions for 6 years
-Left over week ago and not been in touch about his own children
-Gets in a mood if you see friends
-Left you in the lurch with kids, pets, bills
-Hasn’t provided child maintenance
You need to let him go from a relationship point of view, stop trying to make something work that never will. How much of your focus and energy goes on this man? I’m guessing quite a lot. You and your kids deserve better but it’s down to you to make that happen.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. This is horrible.

I have some advice if it helps.

I think you need to put in some really strong boundaries here to protect you, and the kids.

He's left, so he stays gone.

He hasn't seen the kids in weeks or helped with childcare - so he doesn't get to have the kids randomly this weekend if he decides it's what he wants at the time. That's really unsettling

In my opinion he shouldn't have the kids until the two have you have negotiated a regular visitation schedule that works for you and the kids. Something like one Saturday a fortnight to start with, and see if he maintains it. But I wouldn't rush to put this in place - kids need stability and if he can't provide that then it's better he sorts his shit out until he can.

I'd limit contact between you and him to email.

He doesn't get to control you, come and go as he pleases, pick up and drop the kids as he pleases, any more. It's not okay.

I remember you.

I would be working to put a very firm boundary in place. You are not going crazy, he is a selfish gambler and the sooner you accept this and work from there the better. He's never going to change and start admitting he was wrong.

Thanks all - and I completely agree - it’s been too long where he has been at the centre of everything. My kids are good kids and I see that everything is calmer without him here - we’ve literally spent hours playing uno! But they are also chattier. That’s what matters.

but I know they miss him. I think the fact he hasn’t contacted me to see the kids this weekend - I fully expected him too - speaks volumes. He honestly thinks I should be doing the running - and said he wouldn’t be in touch unless I made the effort. I guess that includes seeing his kids. It’s actually making me much stronger - cos I’m so angry. But also done.

I’ve just looked back on your previous posts.

OMG. LEAVE this absolute horror of a man. Go and make a happy life for you and your kids. He is sucking all that is good from you all. Forget about making it work. You have tried enough x