Help! Struggling with difficult mother-in-law :(

[IamOopsieDaisy]

Hi everyone,
I'm really at a loss and hoping for some advice on how to deal with my partner's mum.
She's always been a bit on the difficult side, not just with me but with others too. She's very touchy and sensitive,and it just feels like we don't click at all.
it is the little things that build up. Like, when our son was first born (we were in a tiny flat at the time),she had this huge 5-bedroom house to herself! We could have really used some extra space for my partner's books, but she refused to take them.
Then there are moments that just leave me feeling awful. One time, she was clearly upset about something I’ve done or said, and when she saw me she just rolled her eyes – like, literally looked right at me like I was a nobody. Then I found out through my partner that something really minor set her off. It’s always me who texts her first asking about her day etc. She never initiates the conversation.. am I trying too hard?
She's also made comments... Recently, she said she'd stop buying clothes for our son because "he never wears anything" she gets him (which just isn't true!). I saw her playing with him a few times, but only with the toys she'd bought. There are honestly so many situations like this.
The thing is, I'm sad. I would love to have a better relationship with her, but I just don't know how to manage my expectations. My partner agrees she's difficult, but he also thinks I just need to accept her as she won’t change.
Has anyone else been in this situation? Any advice on how to deal with a difficult mother-in-law?
Thanks in advance xx

Mine used to be like this. I had also hoped for a good relationship as my own with my mother is non existent. She was lovely at first and isn’t a bad person but couldn’t help but criticise. I eventually just withdrew. I had to accept that she was my husbands mother and that’s how ‘she was’. She’s a good grandma but I couldn’t have a relationship with her.
examples: she would interrupt anything I was saying. She didn’t like the fact we got married ‘with only 8 weeks notice for her’ (we’d had a miscarriage so decided to get married then try again asap both late 30s so time not on our side)
I didn’t breastfeed ‘properly’ and made her annoyed as she was very good at breastfeeding apparently 😂
didn’t like our choice of clothes for baby girl 1….‘you can’t put jeans on a baby’
Id advise to give up and focus on you and your family you can’t change her but if you continue to hope you might it’ll just damage you xx

I honestly don't think she's doing anything wrong!
Not taking the books....why should she have her home cluttered with other people's clutter?
If there are too many then you need to get rid

Playing with toys she's bought him is perfectly fine. Shes invested in them and She wants to see if he's enjoying them she also wants pleasure out of the exchange

The eye rolling... yes that's a bit dismissive but perhaps you were overreacting to something
Tbh you do seem to over-analyse

The texting ..yes you're trying too hard
I cant remember the laat time i text my MIL

I would dial down the texting until it is reciprocal (and accept that ultimately that may mean it stops).

I'm disappointed in my relationship with my MIL too and tried too hard too start with. She is exactly how my DH describes her (selfish and manipulate - occasionally evil) - I chose not to believe him, I do now.

My advice is to let your husband lead with the relationship with her, and you support him in that.

Do easy things like be polite and kind when you see her/dress your baby in clothes she bought if you know she is coming. Definitely lower your expectations to the person she has shown you she is not the one you want her to be.

I would stop texting her in the mornings. Personally I find constant no-real-reason messaging irritating.

But if many people find her hard work, shrug, don’t take it personally, don’t rise to it, and get on with your life. If she does stuff like the eye rolling just ignore it, or, if you feel able, be calm and direct “you are acting as if you are upset with me, would you like to talk about it?”. But otherwise don’t take the bait of passive aggressive histrionics.

Outfits: people do buy things they like or think a child will look cute in so like to see them in them. So I would make sure she sometimes did, when you meet or in photos. But in response to a comment like that “yes he wears them a lot, but you must make your own decisions” and change the subject.

When she rolls her eyes just do it back.

Otherwise disengage. Stop contacting her so much, stop trying to be her friend. Just be cordial when you see her but don’t chase after her.

Also the size of her house is immaterial. She could have a 1000 rooms and she still doesn’t have to store your shit. When I bought my house (a 3 bed, sadly not a mansion) my sister told me she was looking forward to having somewhere to put her stuff so she didn’t have to pay storage fees any more. I laughed so hard I actually cried. She didn’t bring it up again! It’s her house, not yours.

Also the toy thing, as long as she’s not actively discouraging your son from playing with the toys you bought then you have nothing to worry about. It’s ok for her to encourage him to play with the things she bought if she’s doing so healthily.

And if she is being mean about the stuff you bought just pointedly put the toy you bought back in front of your son and say “it doesn’t have cooties, do that again grandma and your toy will be going to the charity shop”.

So yeah pick your battles but also grow a backbone. Challenge shitty behaviour but know when to back off, and stop chasing after her.

@Confusedandemotional thanks so much for sharing your thoughts! Sounds like you've been through a lot with your mother-in-law. Withdrawing can definitely be a way to protect yourself, especially after those repeated criticisms. It's great that she's a good grandma, but it is tough when you can't have the wider relationship you'd hoped for. I liked what you said about focusing on my family... Ultimately that is the most important thing here!

@Maddy70 Thanks a lot. On the books, you're right – her house, her rules. One thing that I do wrong is that I expect her to do what my mum would do, or what I would do. For me storing a few books wouldn't be an issue. But I realise that is the wrong approach and I need to stop thinking like that.

@Pelli thanks for your comment. It sounds like you've put in a lot of effort, and it's frustrating not to have that reciprocated. Dialing back the texting is a smart way to manage the energy and emotions. Being polite and kind is always a good approach, and picking your battles can be helpful. I just keep thinking why is it only me who needs to change? Lowering expectations is deifnitely key here. It will help avoid any future disappointment

@BoudiccaOfSuburbia Thanks for this. The calm and direct approach is brilliant. 'Is everything okay? you seem a bit frustrated.' Hopefully it can help with shutting down the negativity. Btw, I don't text her every morning, it's maybe once a week (and not always in the morning!).

@StrawberryWater thanks for the support. I agree about disengaging from the eye-rolling! A cordial approach is best here. On the house point, you're right., it's her space. I felt unwelcomed when she just said no, although, I understand, she's got all the rights to do that. Maybe that's my problem here? Overall, thanks this is brill advice. Pick your battles, be firm but fair and don't chase after someone who isn't putting in the effort!

"My partner agrees she's difficult, but he also thinks I just need to accept her as she won’t change"

He seems to be mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt re her too. This from her is his "normal" and he grew up with her so he has come to accept it as such. Where's his dad here; I ask only as he is not mentioned.

His inertia when it comes to his mother simply hurts him as well as you. He is right in one important respect however and that is that she will not change. This is who she is and neither her son nor you made her that way (her own family did that). I would assume he is far more afraid of her than he ever would be of you and still even now seeks her approval. Approval she will never give him.

He is key here and he needs to make more effort to stand up for himself as well as you people as his family unit.

Re your own self adopt some firm and consistent boundaries re her and also stop texting her with immediate effect. No point busting a gut for someone like this because it is not reciprocated. Your partner and you need to present a united front when it comes to her too.

Looking back at nearly 40 years of relationships with the in laws I wouldn't expect too much or put much trust in them if your mother in law shows signs of being neurotic or a bit of a madam as if you're partner was to die before them they cut you all out of the will and their lives and do the odd spiteful thing regarding the funeral arrangements like taking their deceased childs ashes and just scattering them without you.

Why are you texting her? I’ve not text mine for a year and that was to arrange a practical thing - not just a conversation. The time before that was 2022 - a very similar reason.

I wouldn't keep someone's book either. Sounds like DH needed to declutter.

The rest sounds like just different expectations.

leave the relationship to your husband. Stop texting her entirely. Archive your WhatsApp conversation with her so it won’t be active and you won’t feel tempted to message.

Match her energy and leave all of the relationship work with your dc to your husband. He can facilitate any visits and he can host and look after his mum on those visits.

Be polite but distant. It’s what she’d prefer and it will protect your heart. 💐

I was married 17 years and I don’t think I ever gave mil my number, certainly wouldn’t ever have texted her or called her
id say be polite and civil. But lower your expectations- she’s your husbands mother that’s all. not your friend-And that’s ok

In the grand scheme of things does the toy thing matter? my mil had plenty to say when I bought a train set for my daughter - apparently girls need dolls. I bought it anyway and some cars too ( daughter loved cars and trains and hated dolls)

He does have a point tho - this is who she is
You have to find a way to be ok with that

She's under no obligation to store her son's shit; if it's just 'a few books' he can keep hold of them.
What did you do to upset her that caused the eye roll?