Argued with my DM and not even sure why

[Garybarryg]

i’ve always had a strange relationship with my mother. We get on but I’ve had to make a big effort for it to be this way. She has historically provided financial support but never been good at the emotional support / advice side of things.

we are spending the day together today. She has very fixed ideas of how to do things and kindly along with my DF has saved a very sizeable deposit to use on my first home. I am early 30s and have a good job but considering buying a property with my partner (who has no idea about the deposit as I want to respect her privacy / wishes around this before I commit to anything).

for the first few hours of our meeting, she went on and on about the lives of everybody she knew / had ever met / monologue about certain situations.

i had hosted her at my house yesterday and laid on a homemade feast, unlimited wine, really made an effort for her and when I asked a few times if she enjoyed the food, she laughed it off saying I was asking her for reassurance too much…

i then said to her that I wanted to respect her wishes re the property deposit and would she advise I buy with my partner or should I do so by myself.

all she said was, well we earmarked that as a property deposit for you… I lost the plot a bit and just said that she had been great financially over the years (btw I have a very good job and have not taken a penny from my parents for years - but conscious that they have saved this money for me) she has never taken the time to advise, emotionally support or actually get to know me. And that I found it really difficult basically going through life blindly. I have felt very alone most of my childhood and teenage years and have had to look for role models in other adults throughout.

i regret shouting at her but feel so so sad about things. Can anyone relate or do I sound like a spoilt child?

I'm not clear what you argued about.

Have you lost your temper with your mother because she'd prefer to gift you money to buy a house on your own, not with your partner?
It does sound as if you blew your top at nothing. If you feel the need to talk to her about issues, do it calmly and with a view to open a conversation, not just losing your temper.

Also, I'm not really sure what you mean by saying that she's never taken the time to get to know you. As a daughter of a largely absent parent, and as a mother of grown up children, I genuinely don't know what that would look like. Can you elaborate?

Why did you ask her if you didn't want her answer?

I think we argued about the fact she has not asked me one single question or taken an interest in my life since she came to visit yesterday

so you shouted at her because she's saved you a huge amount of money which you want to take but don't actually want to accept her advice about, despite having asked for it? Bizarre.

She hasn’t actually advised me or said which option she thinks i should take

Gifts should come with ribbons, not strings, and I would assume your mother will continue to use money as a means of trying to control you. I would not readily accept this deposit from her as it will be used to further make you feel obligated to her. It also appears to me that she was not a good parent to you when you were growing up in that you got material things but emotionally you were and remain bereft. Do you think she sees you as an extension of her and what you can do for her?. Was your dad any better a parent though?. I would read about narcissistic personality disorder and see how much of this fits in with your mothers behaviour.

Did you host your dad too?. What’s he like?.

DH and I were discussing how our parents are like that, rarely asking or seeming interested in our lives, increasingly so as they get older. I think it's so common as to be normal. We hear all about the neighbours or the garden birds, deaths and illnesses! They do ask how the children are getting on and do get concerned of we are ill!
They have always been generous financially.
They didn't have being involved interested parents to adult children modelled to them in a healthy way and in fact had a strong need for privacy that they expect us to have too (when in fact we're much more relaxed)
They always visited grandparents never had them to visit for instance, it seems to have been the expected thing.

She's trusting you as an adult I suppose

What control?

The OP is objecting to the fact that she doesn't give advice and leaves him to pretty much get on with it on his own

It sounds like something inside you went POP and a lot of penned up stuff came out. A huge gift like a deposit must have had a lot of emotion attached.

Could this be the way your parents show love?

I think the timing is unfortunate, but sometimes things do blow. How did they react? Stunned/angry/upset?

Most importantly do you think you can talk it out with them?

Just possibly this might be the start of a new and better relationship with them. It could also be a very awkward patch for you all!

I think you owe them an apology, face to face, and also to say that you appreciate the offer of a deposit very much, whether or not it's still available. Maybe mail or ring and say something along the lines of " You love them very much and want to apologise. The timing was terrible, but you've bottled some things up that really you'd like to talk about more calmly, as you love them. You appreciate that they've saved hard for you, which is much appreciated, and could you talk?"

Blimey I try really hard not to give my adult DD’s advice. They are different people to me with different dreams, it’s not up to me to pin my hopes on them.
Just look at the number of threads on MN where posters are complaining about parents/in-laws telling them what to do with children etc.
Sorry op but you sound very young like you want someone else to make decisions for you.

Maybe they think they know you so well already that there is nothing you can tell them that would be new? Just trying to be charitable here.

But you don't need their advice. And you should plan on not needing their help. You plan on doing this without their help, and if they offer the deposit then you are in a better position.

YOU need to decide on whether you want to buy with or without your partner. If you buy with then you can try to ring fence the money they give as a deposit as not to be considered a joint asset should you break up.