Is it easier to be the scapegoat or the golden child?

[Simplefoke]

Just wondering which is the lesser of 2 evils?

Both are bad and down to poor parenting.

Does one cause more damage than the other?

It depends a bit but both have their problems. I was the gc for my toxic mother (narcissist traits and histrionic personality) and the smothering was terrible, it's like they just destroy you. When I had kids of my own it all went off the rails completely and we have been no contact for ten years.

Hmm, golden child doesn't have to be or do anything and never needs to make an effort.

Scapegoat will never ever be good enough no matter what.

Toxic parents fuck you up, gc or sc.

Our golden child became a sex offender. I’d say overall he fared worse than the female scapegoats he abused.

Both of my parents have narcissistic tendencies though so there were multiple scapegoats and GC over the years.

Ime, easier to be the scapegoat, long term.

I'm the scapegoat. My sister is the GC and she lapped it up.

I hated it for years, felt so angry - it was always my sister given this, invited there, included in xyz. She behaved absolutely appallingly on multiple occasions and was forgiven within hours. I was given silent treatment and shitty looks for days if I did the smallest thing to piss mum off. Always blamed, always bitched about, always judged.

Time has made me glad to be the scapegoat. My sister is still GC.

Whilst I grew up, moved out, put a bit of emotional distance in place and created my own family, my sister stayed close and stayed living at home - she had it too good to ever leave. She's now in a position where my mum has become so dependent on her and has rapidly failing health that she's semi-carer for her.

We're not NC and my sister has improved massively over the years, behaviour wise - and we get on quite well now, despite her still being GC. I learned how to handle my mum about ten years ago and since she realised her silences, blame and withdrawal had zero effect on me anymore, she's also far better and I have a cordial relationship with her, as do the dc.

But I haven't forgotten and it's very much a reap what you sow situation. My sister is reaping it in spades as she's essentially stuck with mum, whilst I get on with my life and help out a polite, minimal amount only.

This ^

My sibling is the GC. On paper, lives rent free, bill free, all cooking and laundry done for them. My mother still buys their clothes. (They're over 40).

I left home at 18 and my other sibling even younger. Financially we don't get anything like the GC or any positive attention.

However, we have pressed on and both own our own houses, have social lives, are or have been married and we both have children.

And I couldn't live with my mother for one day, certainly not for 40 years!

DH was the SG and SIL the GC. SIL died last year in a refuge for alchoholics and sex workers with no one knowing until 2 months after she died.

MIL smothered her, she was never allowed to develop her own relationships or do anything by herself as she was expected to report to MILs at 7am every single day. There she would be expected to clean and run errands for MIL and GPIL, MIL was manipulative and incredibly emotionally abusive she pit both kids against each other constantly.

I am a SG married to a GC.

I'd say SG better.

My DH's brother is the SG and had more fire in his belly to go NC with the parents because he'd been burned so much more over the years. For me as a SG, it made me a stronger person.

My DH had ALL THE BURDENS placed on him by the parents - financial abuse, emotional abuse. And because he's been exalted, BOY does he not see how toxic his parents are like the rest of us. He's converted the pressure he's been put under into a Saviour Complex and made some horrific decisions in life because of that.

My brother was the scapegoat, me sometimes the golden child, sometimes also a scapegoat. I learned early to do no wrong and to stay in the mother's good books. Until I got ideas above my station and wanted to go to university. Then it became a constant effort to try to please her.
He realised much sooner than me and put distance between him and the rest of our family. It took me a lot longer.
I'm not sure either role is better, they both leave psychological damage.

I am SG, DH is SG.
My DSis and I made a pact in our 30s to not longer buy into it. Our parents were somewhat surprised and confused that we wouldn't play their games any longer.
DH and his brother don't have that sort of relationship. I, very politely and respectfully, point out their ridiculous bias EVERY SINGLE TIME. Makes no difference. But we do what we can to protect them from GC toxicity.

I would say BIL is the golden child but DH isn’t a scape goat. It would say it has been more damaging for BIL than DH - although DH hasn’t come out of it with the best mental health.

I think it's a toxic scenario for both in most cases.

I know a sibling set where the younger (male) brother is clearly the scapegoat to his golden child sister. I'm actually friends to both.

As adults, the brother has become a very independent and well rounded person, who has developed a strong social circle as he couldn't rely on that emotional support from his family. Having said that I can see the damage that has been done to him and his self confidence - always being put down, and compared unfavourably to his sister in looks, intelligence etc etc.

His sister was always told she was beautiful, talented, super intelligent etc. Not saying she wasn't, but she certainly wasn't as exceptional as her mum and dad told her she was. As a result she was very (overly!) confident but every time she didn't come first (at sports, hobbies, school, and as an adult at work etc) she'd be completely devastated and angry. Her parents fed this by telling her people were just 'jealous'. She found it hard to make friends due to the constant boasting and overinflated ego and became unhealthily reliant on her parents rather than making her own friendship circle. So I wouldn't say she's come away unscathed at all. Both of them have been damaged in different ways.

MAY FIND THIS UPSETTING I am the scapegoat my brother 17 years my junior definitely the golden child. From the age of 5 I was beaten for my dad leaving because I was a constant reminder. I was sexually abused for 2 years from aged 8 by her 2nd husband's son aged 18, when I told her aged 10 because I was wearing a crop top and leggings that she had bought may I add she said I'd brought it all on myself and I was a dirty slag. My childhood was a constant roundabout of treading on eggshells so as not to wind her up, spending as much time out of the house as much as possible and when I had riled her spending up to 2 days sat in a chair whilst I was guilty into how much she had done for me ,didn't answer quick enough and that was a pasting. I left at 16 joined the army a sergeant major was the lesser of two evils lol and when I passed out expected I'm proud of you instead I got I'm so jealous of you lol , my bother was born when I was 17 he still lives at home aged 26 never held down work , has been totally enabled to do as little as possible, has had a polar opposite experience to what I had. I'm so glad he didn't have my childhood so so glad but as the scapegoat I've gone totally NC and don't ever have to have that toxic abusive crap in my life any more, whether my brother will ever lead a normal independent life however is another story,..........

Brother is GC. SG has flipped between me and other brother. GC brother doesn't see the dynamic, thinks everything is normal and is still enmeshed with parents in his 50s. After much counselling, I have boundaries and have escaped the toxicity.

I’m a scapegoat, I was seriously abused emotionally , physically and financially.

went Nc years ago and to this day my mother and siblings still try to sabotage my life. It’s been horrendous. I take comfort in knowing though that it has shaped my parenting and I’m so proud of myself and the wonderful relationship I have with my dc. Being deprived of all that I was and treated the way i was I feel I’m so aware of what not to do and I tell myself that hopefully some good can come from such awful things

DH was/is the SG, I'm an only child so never had the misfortune of experiencing such unpleasantness. BIL is the GC and his wife the ideal 'dream' daughter in law. He had a high flying career, she worked in a trendy 'instagrammable' London-centric industry that is epitomised by social connections and advancement. DH and I on the contrary decided to marry and move away from London, to afford a larger family from a younger age.

PIL and their family thought DH married beneath himself, the months prior to our engagement and wedding were full of hushed conversations with DH, trying to talk him out of marriage, followed by threats not to come to our wedding when he ignored their efforts. Several years (and several rounds of reconciliation/fall outs later), we are NC with the whole lot of them. We refused to subjugate our children to his family's toxic treatment.

My mother flips between the two for me.
We recently bought a nice house which she loves to show off to her sisters to say look my daughter is doing better than yours. I find this excruciating. Until now I was (not quite scapegoat) but a Very Bad Daughter because I don't keep in touch enough and don't care about her, and will only care when she's dead, etc. I would just prefer it if she was normal and I wasnt either.

With one parent I was scapegoat, sis was GC. Sis and I get on remarkably well. I never realised I was goaty until cousins pointed it out when we were later teens!

We've both turned out ok, but with a different set of demons. Sis always felt she had to pussyfoot to keep her seemingly (to me ) unbreachable position. I kept going back again and again to try to make things right, right up until parent died.

Other parent was an unalloyed delight to both of us but he died relatively young. I was more 'his' though, possibly why I was SG to other parent!

That is more like child abuse rather than a 'simple' SG/GC dynamic.
But you've done great and get to live your best life. Your Mum has done a right number on both you and your brother, and that is not for you to sort out

I've been both, was replaced by sibling as gc when I got more independent, so now the scapegoat. Much prefer it, in as much as I don't have anything to do with them anymore! And they are happy in their hate.

The golden child i think ultimately gets more messed up. My gc brother spent years and years being an alcoholic. He knows she's toxic but he is so desperate for her love that he will accept her behaviour. I've no interest in her love so she's powerless against me. I'd rather he the scape goat any day.

Is this a fixed relationship or do people change from scapegoat to golden?